To Love and Lose
by klcm
Summary: Garcia never expects to lose her happily ever after with Morgan so quickly...
1. The Simple Life

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Okay so this story is definitely heavy with multiple subjects that might prove extremely personal... I hope to do them justice and I just hope you enjoy... Possibly my first story I have ever been truly terrified to post... So I hope you like!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I want simple," Penelope stated simply as she flicked through the magazine, "I mean, you see all these lavish weddings and I just can't help but think about one thing," She looked up and smiled, "What about the consideration to one another? How much did the bride really think about the groom in the run up or was she just preoccupied with making the perfect wedding?"

"So you want plain and simple?"

Penelope smiled at him sexily, "I want you."

"Good answer, Baby Girl," Derek said as he leant in and stole the magazine and then stole a kiss. He pulled her up to her feet, and wrapped his arms around her body, holding her close even when the kiss had ended. "I will always love you."

Penelope smiled brightly at that, her eyes illuminating with happiness, "Mmm, I know I will always love you too."

"I just can't wait to make you a Morgan. Once that's happened it's staying that way." He told her fiercely like he always did. He had said it once, and he meant it entirely, he was never letting anything happen to break her and him up.

As Penelope kept his arms around her, she put her head to his chest and listened to his heart beating away. She smiled as she continued to listen away. If there was one thing she cherished most in this world now, it was Derek's hearts. To her that was the most precious thing anyone had ever given her and she cherished knowing that Derek was looking after her heart just as well as she had hoped he would. All she could do in return was love him as fiercely as she always had and give him that good morning as often as she could.

Inhaling her sweet scent, Derek reminisced about that morning when he had hijacked her shower and joined her. He had claimed it as saving water, when really his future wife had left him so hard in bed he needed her to be punished for being mean enough to leave the bed before either of their bodies were sated. Kissing into her soft hair, he lavished this private moment – like the others – that they got at work. He didn't care that they had to hideaway in her office to get them. It just meant that they were completely private.

"We've got stuff to do, Hot Stuff," Penelope mumbled into his chest, her body unmoved. She just remained where they were.

Derek sighed, "We better not get called away on a case," he grumbled. "I'm not in any mood to jet off half way across the damn country today."

"Are you ever?"

"Before I had you I was," Derek near enough purred at her in a sexy tone. "Back in those lonely, _lonely_ days, I had to get away from here to keep myself from taking you home and showing you exactly what I was feeling."

Penelope giggled at that, "Put me over your knee and spank me?"

Derek chuckled at her and pulled back, "That would've been one of them – for keeping me waiting too long."

"I never did get that punishment then," Penelope told him, her eyes looking at him with tease and complete innocence. "Maybe that's well over due?"

"Don't you dare start this when I can't get you home for another six hours."

Penelope pursed her lips, "You forgot we have the appointment with the florist later didn't you?" She asked him, bursting his little bubble, "You're gonna have to wait a little longer."

Thinking for a moment, Derek responded instantly, "Hmm," he started, pulling her close to his body, "Seems I'll just have to wine and dine you, Baby. We'll sort the appointment out, then I'm taking you for a meal and then we're gonna go home and have that alone time."

"Oh, Baby Boy, you'll be aching by then," Penelope teased him lovingly. "Mamma will really need to work her magic hands to loosen you up."

"At this rate, I'm going straight for third base and skipping dinner," He groaned back as he listened to her and felt his body reacting to her tone, reacting to her hands as one pushed down towards his crotch. "Right, we're postponing dinner."

Penelope dropped her hand and laughed, "Dessert before dinner again?" She questioned as she went over to her computers and sorted them.

Derek watched as Penelope bent over, her perfectly rounded ass up in the air at him and he licked his lips. _Why did this woman have to be the epitome of perfection?_ He always asked himself how he managed to capture a goddess, and it was always at work that he berated himself for having the dirtiest of thoughts and memories.

"I'm gonna have more than dessert," Derek said huskily and went behind her, running his hands over her butt and onto her hips, he made her stand and he began to kiss into her neck, "Have you seen the time, Goddess?" He asked knowing that if they didn't have a distraction now they might well end up in a hot and sticky situation in her office.

"Crap!" Penelope said, "I need to go find my girlies, and head out to lunch," Penelope said as she glanced at the clock. The mood completely dispersing for a moment. "We have special wedding stuff to arrange," she teased him, shifting the atmosphere to another subject; "I need to go see a certain dress and see how it's coming along."

Derek groaned, "Gimme a clue, Princess. _Please_."

"Na uh, Sugar Shack," she retorted and smirked as he pouted harder. "You gotta wait another four months to see it."

"Oh you are such a tease," Derek said as he squeezed her waist as they went to leave her office. "One that's going to pay for it in bed later."

"More than I already am?" She asked him back.

"Oh way more than you already are."

Giggling, Penelope let Derek lead her out of her office to go towards the bullpen with him. She was speaking teasingly at him when she stopped mid sentence when she saw Derek's expression shift and his eyes darkened as they focused.

Looking, Penelope came face to face with Kevin. She might not have seen him for over a year, and his physical appearance had gotten, somewhat, better, but he really hadn't changed all that much.

"Hey Penny," Kevin said, a small smile on his lips. "I'm moving back here, so I thought I'd tell you first before the tech pool came alive with gossip."

Penelope smiled and went over to him, giving him a hug. "Welcome back then, Kevin," She told him and stepped back.

"Welcome back, Kevin," Derek said as he reached out and shook the man's hand. He then turned to Penelope, "Right I gotta shoot, but don't be late. Florist won't wait forever remember." Giving her a quick kiss, he went to leave, "Love you, Baby Girl."

"Love you too, Handsome," Penelope said and moved the files from her side to her chest, her left hand on top, showing her big rock on her finger. She was grateful hadn't done anything too over the top – not that she had worried, but she felt this was tasteful glory.

"I see you're becoming a honest woman," Kevin pointed out, indicating to the ring that had caught his eye the moment he had seen her.

Penelope nodded at him, "A lot's changed since you left, Kevin," Penelope told him, still harbouring some of the hurt she was left with when he had broken up with her and subsequently left.

"Well, if you'll give me a chance, I'd like to catch up on everything with you," Kevin said and smirked at her, "Make amends if you wish."

Penelope thought about it, she knew it was something she'd have to run passed Derek, but she knew her man wasn't defensive and he certainly wouldn't get jealous. "Sure," She answered sweetly and gave him a smile.

After all, Kevin Lynch was no threat to their lives anymore.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	2. Building Bridges

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So, it wasn't heavy for the first chapter, but once we're just a couple of more chapters in, then we will be getting somewhere... __Thanks for all of the reviews, alerts and favourites, they're so appreciated! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"So he wants to meet up?"

"Yup, please tell me you're gonna come along?" Penelope near enough begged Derek, "I know he said he just wants to make amends, but I honestly can't go along with it unless I have you there with me."

"I'd be more than happy to join you," He said as he dotted a kiss on her cheek. "This way I can show him who won."

"Oh alpha male coming out here," Penelope teased as she leant against the kitchen counter and watched Derek. "I am never gonna get with him or give him a window to think he has a chance, Derek. He can beg, plead, try whatever, but there is no way I am losing this to go for heartbreak. I have too much to lose in this life now."

Derek couldn't help but smugly smile at that. He felt gratitude at the same time, in just knowing that he had loved Penelope right. He had loved her enough for her to acknowledge that he would never ever hurt her. After all, he had only ever loved her and she was safe in the knowing of his love.

Relenting, he put his hands to her hips. "Fine," Derek started, "On one condition?"

"Whatever you what, Sugar," Penelope replied to him sweetly, preparing herself for what was to come.

"I don't get banned from making him jealous."

Penelope could tell by the look in his eye that Derek was more than a little prepared to make Kevin pay and she couldn't help but allow him.

After all, Derek only had her best interests at heart.

"Like I'd be able to even stop you from doing _that_," Penelope answered him knowingly. "Just no bar fights okay? That's my one condition back."

"That I can just about promise," Derek said as he pulled Penelope close to him, "When do we meet up with him?"

"Tomorrow," She replied instantly, a little wary at telling him at such short notice.

"_Great_," Derek groaned a little. He thought he'd have a little more mental preparation time, "Cannot wait."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Sitting opposite the man that had destroyed Penelope's smile so many months ago, Derek was literally trying find ways to hide the emotions he was feeling towards him. He was trying to be on his best behaviour to make this amicable and friendly and he would go through anything to make that possible for Penelope to build some sort of bridge with Kevin and finally get a large piece of closure that Kevin had denied her.

He had noticed a change in Kevin, noting that a year away had definitely done a lot for this man. Derek acknowledged that Kevin had definitely matured – in attitude and personal appearance. Kevin no longer held a petulant child look about him, and he seemed to understand some form of fashion that had been lacking from his life.

If there was two important things Derek hadn't missed, it was the way in which Kevin looked at Penelope, and the way Kevin looked at him. He was more than a little in love with Penelope, and he looked at her with a regretful gaze and he would sit and eye her up, letting his eyes wander. Yet when Derek spoke, Kevin casted the same disgusted look that he had always had. One that told him full well that whatever happened, Kevin was never, ever going to like Derek.

"So you two are engaged?" Kevin said as he put his hands around his glass. "Been together long?" He persisted to ask away.

Penelope smiled, as she looked at this man she knew full well she had wasted time on that relationship, but she didn't look back with regret. She had a man that loved her wholeheartedly, and he was one that wouldn't break up with her and then leave her entirely days later.

"We've been together just over a year," Penelope replied proudly. She saw Kevin's reaction, he hadn't been gone all of fourteen months and Penelope had found true love and gotten engaged. Penelope would never feel bad for finally get true love.

"You're more than welcome to be put on the guest list, Kevin," Derek said with a sweet smile. He had waited a long time to have this opportunity. He would pay anything to make Kevin Lynch watch what he had lost.

"Gladly," Kevin answered, his voice somewhat strained a little at answering. He could deny that he wanted to see Penelope at her happiest, but he had always wanted to be the one that would elicit that emotion in her. Not Derek Morgan.

"Goody!" Penelope exclaimed excited, and both men smiled at her admiringly, "Next rounds on me fellas!" She said as she jumped up and grabbed her purse, "Same again?"

"Course, Baby Girl," Derek agreed and Kevin gave a curt nod in reply. "So why are you really back?" Derek quickly asked, he'd be a fool to not realise that Kevin wasn't back because of a job.

"I thought she'd be single," Kevin admitted honesty, his voice almost toneless.

Derek couldn't withhold the laughter that built in his chest. "Even you knew we were in love with one another. That's why you put her through your stupid jealous arguments. Why you argued over me all the time."

"Morgan, you're right, I knew and coming back to face this fact just makes me realise that I would rather have Penelope in my life as a friend than not," Kevin replied sweetly, "I'll admit it, I didn't like you and I still don't, but you make her happy and that's all I want to see."

"That's all you're gonna see," Derek finished and looked to see Penelope coming back over with their drinks. "You were quick, Baby."

"Well, when you have boobs like mine they get you places," She teased as she put the tray of drinks down, "Men go for a girl with a rack."

"Too right," Both men agreed and even though the pair didn't like one another, they both laughed at that admiration.

Penelope settled down into her seat and picked her glass of wine up, she was extremely happy at that moment. Both her ex-boyfriend and her fiancé finally seemed to be getting on. Something that she had always dreamt of happening.

Conversation seemed to filter in between them all, and they all got along comfortably. Banter was exchanged, future plans were spoken and Kevin seemed to really show an interesting in wanting to be a part of Penelope's life, even if she was still resistant to his way.

Derek could pick up on his fiancée's resilience and he knew once Penelope lost trust in someone it took a while to build it back. That didn't mean she closed off entirely, she just wasn't ready to take such a plunge into potentially dangerous water.

Kevin took the last sip of his drink and then put his drink down on the table top. He slapped his hands to his lap as he watched Derek twirl a piece of Penelope's hair in his fingers and then smiled. "I'm gonna have this then head off," Kevin said as he took a swig of his drink, immediately realising it wasn't strong enough. "Early start tomorrow for me," He finished and saw Penelope understand. He stood up and immediately Penelope followed, and so did Derek.

"Good to see you, Man," Derek said as he realised that Kevin wasn't entirely all bad. He put his hand out to shake Kevin's and couldn't deny that seeing Penelope's smile at that was worth withholding his negative feelings towards this man.

"And you," He said and turned to Penelope who engulfed him in a hug. "See you around right?" He commented as he hugged her and then pulled away.

"You sure will," Penelope replied and sat when Kevin left them to it. She looked at him and then when he was by the door she turned to Derek, "I really think Derek Morgan earned himself a reward for his good behaviour."

"Oh yeah," He said as he placed a hand on her thigh, his other arm around the back of her chair and leant in, kissing her gently. "What you got in mind?"

"If I tell you that then it wouldn't be much of a reward now would it?" Penelope asked him with a seductive smirk on her lips. She licked her lips and continued to give him her sexual glare. "You just gotta wait to get home."

"That is a mission I think I might just last through," He told her back and cupped her chin to draw her in for a proper kiss. The moment his lips met hers, he felt electrified once more – much like he had the first time they kissed.

"God I love those," Penelope mumbled as they separated.

Cocking an eyebrow, he replied with a smirk, "What my lips?"

"Mm those, and your kisses," She said as she went back for another.

Kevin watched Derek as he literally fell over Penelope. The rumble of jealousy not going completely unnoticed in the deepest pit of his stomach. He stood by the door and watched as Penelope literally doused Derek in unadulterated love.

Something she had never fully given him.

Slamming his fist to the door, he looked at the surprised punters who stared at him and he left the bar.

His anger not kept hidden from anyone.

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	3. Jealousy Flares

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_You're all awesome for the reviews, that are more than a little appreciated!_

_Hope you enjoy the new chapter!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Do you have to go out?" Derek asked as he threaded his arms around Penelope's waist, stopping her from putting her make up on. "I'm missing my alone nights with you. They getting more and more limited, Baby."

"You're missing your alone nights with me? What about last night? The night before? Every night since the last case?" Penelope asked with smirk, "You have me every night. I'm only going for drinks, you could join us."

"I'm dog tired, Baby, I just wanted something relaxing. Plus seeing Lynch's face again really doesn't sound like the makings of another amazing night."

Penelope turned to him, "I'll be home by midnight and if you're not dead to world, we'll do something real _relaxing_." Penelope saw immediately that Derek wasn't up for that idea. "Or not," she said and turned back to the mirror.

"It's just that you're seeing more of him now, than you ever did when you were together," Derek said, not keeping his tone from showing what little bit of jealousy he was feeling.

"He's trying to make up to me for what happened all that time ago," Penelope answered back. "I should be allowed to get some sort of closure on what happened back then. I deserve that much at least."

"I'm not saying you can't-"

"Then what are you saying Derek because right now I'm getting really confused over it," Penelope asked him back.

"I don't like the man, never had and I never will. He's bad news and he is up to something. I can see you're happy to have him back, but believe me when I say I am far from ecstatic over it."

"I don't understand why," Penelope replied, "I'm yours, Derek. I want to marry you and have a family with you. I want everything with _you_. Fair enough there is history there, but I do not love him, nor will I ever do in this lifetime or the next. That's why I can't understand your rationality over it all."

Derek stood with his posture completely stiffened at this conversation. He was jealous at the attention Kevin was getting and even logically he knew Penelope wouldn't cheat, his mind just kept running over the scenarios.

"It just seems he's back on the scene and I'm on the back burner. Like I was when you first started dating," Derek proclaimed harshly, "And I don't like it. I shouldn't have to be like it. You're mine and he doesn't seem to understand that."

Penelope watched him and she felt her own anger bubble over his insecurities. "When you grow up and trust me, you can ring me," Penelope said and picked up her bag. "I love you, Derek, but right now you aren't the man I fell in love with you. He isn't some jealous, egotistical ass. He trusts me and my judgement. He believes I wouldn't do anything to hurt him." She then headed out of the door, her eyes stinging with angry tears. "I'll see you later."

Derek put his hands to his head and then barged out of the room. Seeking comfort and some form of understanding in a workout.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Time to let the woes of domesticated bliss go, Penny!" Kevin exclaimed to Penelope as he noticed that she was checking her phone and looking sadly at it.

Penelope couldn't deny she was feeling down. She hated arguing at the best of times, but with Derek it seemed to be so much worst. It seemed to actually make her heart ache to know she had left the house right on the tail end of an argument, something she hated to do. She hated have sour grapes with anyone and leaving it there, because she would hate for anything to happen and that be the last thing said. "It's fine," Penelope feigned as she took a sip of her drink. "So what's the plan for tonight?"

"We're gonna get drunk!" Kevin exclaimed as he then proceeded to order shots in.

It didn't take long for Penelope to feel the effects of Kevin's escapade into losing their sobriety.

Penelope hiccupped, the alcohol tasting good, but having effect. "I should've eaten properly before coming out," Penelope muttered as she felt the alcohol gripping her bloodstream already. She jumped as her phone went off in her bag. She looked at it and wondered if this call from Derek was to check up or apologise. Either way she needed to hear his voice to budge her mood. She hated this feeling sitting in her. She couldn't be mad with Derek, she loved him for Christ sake's and that overrode every bad thing that could happen.

"Is it safe to use pet names yet?" Penelope asked down the line as her hello.

"I'm sorry, Baby Girl," Derek said in response to her. "I never should've gone off the handle like. I do trust you and I respect you, I just don't like how firmly in the picture Kevin is. It gets my back up a little that's all. If you want him back in your life, then I'll stick by that."

Stepping to the side, Penelope smiled, "To tell you the truth, he's annoying me again. I thought he had grown up, but he really hasn't and I'm just gonna have a few more drinks and then cut this and give, whatever this is, a complete break. I think the fun part's run out of appeal." She told Derek honestly as she watched Kevin mess around and she felt her irritation grow.

"Does that mean I'll get you home earlier?"

"It depends on my getaway choice," Penelope said and looked out at the bar, "He's latched on so probably sooner than I predicted. Don't stay up, I want my man well rested for wedding planning tomorrow."

"You don't make it easy on me. I thought the men were pushed to the side with planning a wedding?"

"You're marrying me, not some other woman. It's our day, I want it to be our decisions," Penelope retorted down the phone. "So you either lump it or leave it."

"There is no way I am leaving it."

"Good," She replied, "It seems Kevin's bought another round, so you get that hot body of yours into bed and I'll be home before you know it."

"I look forward to it already, Baby Girl," Derek answered her, "I love you."

"I love you more," She told him and before he could argue back she continued, "Sweet Penelope dreams, Handsome."

"Oh I will, Baby Girl," Derek replied and then slowly closed his phone.

Penelope smiled dreamily as she thought to the man waiting for her at home. She felt giddy at knowing that she had a man that got jealous over her and another man, one that wasn't afraid to apologise first, who loved waiting up for her as much as she loved waiting up for him. She was just so happy to be in love with Derek.

Looking back up, she saw Kevin coming towards her, and she stepped forward, ready to start slowly wrapping the night up.

"I got you another drink in," Kevin said as he took her hand over to their table again. "You're favourite."

Penelope smiled sweetly, her favourite to him wasn't her new favourite. "What happened to the little Miss Thang you were talking to then?"

"Oh her," Kevin said and looked back at the bar, and straight at the woman in front of him. "She's not my type." Kevin responded and grabbed his beer, he pointed to her drink, "Bet you can't down that in one."

"Is that a challenge, Mr Lynch?" Penelope asked as she grabbed her glass, "Because if it then it is definitely one that I can follow through on and still stand after."

Kevin watched her down her drink and then went and got her another. He wanted her out with him just a little while longer. This was the first night they had had out where Derek Morgan wasn't the gargoyle on the side.

Kevin near enough bounced up a little while later. "Let's dance," Kevin said and put his hand out for Penelope.

Even though her head was swimming, and she was pretty sure she hadn't drunken that much to get her quite _this_ drunk, she nodded. She tried to keep up a pretence that she was fine and so she took Kevin's hand and let him lead her to the dance floor.

One dance, and then she was heading home.

She was just happy to fall against her bed later that night and cuddle up with the warm body that had been waiting for her all night.

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	4. Wake Up, Shake Up

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_So none of you like Kevin, like I doubted it, but let's see who's right... Thanks for all of the reviews, I hope you enjoy what's to come!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

When Penelope woke up, she groaned at how badly her head was pounding away. Even laying down she could feel the room spinning around her. _Some hangover_, she thought warily to herself. Even the voice in her head was being quiet.

She felt a hand run down her naked side and her eyes opened wide and she was struck with an unfamiliar room. Looking around at the space in front of her she realised how bland and stark it was and immediately she realised it was a hotel room. Then she felt the hand travel down over her stomach and she felt how small it was in comparison to what she was used to.

Feeling the tears beginning to prick, Penelope knew she had done something terribly wrong. She knew she had to leave and quick, she couldn't remain in that bed any longer.

Getting free of his grasp, Penelope stood and looked down at the man and her stomach flipped and her headache intensified. She was repulsed by this man, she wasn't even a little sexually excited when she looked at him, but somehow she had ended up in bed with him.

She began to scratch at herself, feeling dirty and she knew she just had to flee.

Grabbing her clothes she quickly threw them on, and looked at Kevin's still sleeping form and realised that Derek had been right all along. Kevin was no friend, he was a foe. He hadn't come back to make amends, he was back to get what was once his.

Leaving the room, Penelope tried to work out what had happened the night before and she realised her entire memory was nonexistent. She had no idea what had happened after Kevin had taken her to the dance floor for that one dance. Panic stricken she continued to flee and headed home, all the while her mind was trying to work out ways in which she could beg for redemption.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Running back into her house, she went straight for the kitchen. She needed a drink; she needed to think of ways to explain to Derek what had happened. She needed to somehow wake up from this horrible nightmare.

"Where have you been hiding then, Baby Girl?" Derek asked her as he came into the kitchen; he ran his hands over her day old clothing and kissed into her neck how he always did whenever she did the washing up.

Hearing his voice, feeling his hands, Penelope began to feel the tears slip down her cheeks and she felt her stomach recoil. Running into the bathroom, Penelope threw up what little she had in her stomach. She convulsed a couple of times and felt Derek come to her rescue as he sat by her and soothed her, rubbing a hand to her back.

"Pen," He started, his tone slick with worry, "What's happened?"

"You're going to hate me," Penelope said mid sob and she felt herself convulse as bile built up in her throat. She felt more than a little sick at what had transcended.

"C'mon," He said attentively as he brought her to her feet and he took her out of the downstairs bathroom. He was prepared to get her a drink, soothe her and then cure her hangover.

The phone rang as he went to sit her down, but he was more interested in hearing how Penelope was going to explain herself. He was more concerned with making sure she was okay.

That was until the answer phone took over and the messaged followed quickly.

"_Morgan_," Kevin's voice rang out over the voicemail, "_I'm really sorry to have to break this to you, but Penelope slept with me last night. She left her engagement ring here too, I just thought that maybe you would want that back. I can bring it by, or I can leave it on your desk at work. I'm sorry, Morgan, really I am. I told her I didn't want it to happen, but she was persistent._"

Penelope looked down at her hand, her finger now naked staring up at her. She felt her stomach flip and she noticed her hands were violently shaking.

"Yo-you slept with him?" Derek asked her, his anger already shooting through the roof uncontrollably. "After everything he did to you, after everything you told me and you slept with _him_?"

"I-I-" Penelope stuttered over her words, "I don't know." She finally answered, "I don't remember anything from last night."

Penelope saw Derek's expression change towards her. He no longer gave her a look of complete love and adoration. Now all she saw was pure hatred and red hot anger burning away in his eyes, in his expression.

Even as that look burnt into her, scolded itself into her memory, she needed help. She was at a loose end, and she was feeling lost at having a massive gapping black hole in her memory. It scared her that she had no recollection and she had no idea what Kevin had done with her after taking her for a first dance.

"I did wake up in his bed this morning," Penelope admitted to him, "He was naked too, an-and I just don't remember ending up there entirely." She looked him in the eyes, "I remember going to bed and someone was there, and I remember saying your name and yo-you replied," Penelope sobbed, "I heard it, it was you. It had to be you," she cried at him. "I don't know what happened."

Disregarding her Derek let his hurt flow out, "I give you one night to go out and this is what happens? I know we argued, but Christ I apologised and you go and do this?" Derek asked her heatedly, "I hope it was worth it." He finished and grabbed bin bags from under the kitchen sink. He knew Penelope knew his thoughts on sleeping around behind someone they supposedly love's back and she had just done exactly what he had hated. "I said you were spending too much time with him. I told you it made me uncomfortable, but you persisted to go out with him. Now you sleep with him."

"I didn't do it," Penelope defended because to her she had no recollection of sleeping with Kevin. "I didn't." She followed him up the stairs and watched as he haphazardly threw her clothes and things into the bags. She knew full well how he viewed cheating and he wasn't one to stick by someone who had cheated. There was enough proof and hurt around to make him react like this. In a way, Penelope had acknowledged that this would happen, but she had painted over that thought and hoped that that was the last thing to happen.

"So where's your ring, Pen?" He asked and grabbed her hand, "Why the fuck does Kevin have that? Why the fuck did you admit to waking up in his bed?"

"I don't know," Penelope sobbed at him, "I didn't mean to sleep with him. I don't remember anything from last night, Handsome, please believe me."

Derek listened to her use a nickname, and he knew that after this it was the last time he would hear it. His heart had caused his entire body to ache, and he knew from just looking at Penelope that the fact that she was still wearing yesterday's clothes, and the fact that she had turned up this morning looking worse for wear meant that the voicemail that Kevin had left was true. That and the fact that Penelope couldn't lie to save her life meant that everything was ringing truthful.

The one thing that kept him between a rock and a hard place was the way Penelope begged him to believe her.

However, Derek's pride and absolute hurt meant that he was ready to push her away. Regardless of everything he was going to lose as a result.

Picking up her bags, he headed back down the stairs; all the while Penelope followed him. Her voice begging and her breath kidnapped with sobs.

"I don't want you to grovel your way back, Penelope," Derek spat at her as he chucked a bag of her stuff out of the door. "You told me you loved me, and now I find out you woke up in another man's bed – naked!"

"I didn't mean for it to happen," Penelope said as she grabbed hold of his hands, "Derek, please," she disregarded his earlier sentence about not grovelling, "Believe me when I say I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted a night out with a friend. I don't love him, I love you."

"You've got me fooled," He scalded and shook her hands off and grabbed her wrist, "I can't believe we would ever get to this point, Penelope. I never thought we would. I can't be with you after this. I-I can't even bare to look at you right now." He pulled her outside, "I never thought you'd hurt me like this, Penelope, but you have and I can't get over that."

"Please, just try, Derek," Penelope said, her tone so full of her pleas. "Please."

"Just get out of my face," He said as he left her on the porch and went into the house throw the rest of her stuff out, including the keys to Esther.

Penelope watched as the door was slammed and she felt herself fall to her knees on their porch. She let her head dip as she sobbed out her heartbreak. She knelt there trying to get the answers to what the hell had happened that night before.

All she got was a worsened headache and a larger pain in her chest as her heart completely shattered.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	5. Liable Heartbreak

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_This sets out to break hearts! Beware! You all know me though! I thrive HEA ;) Thanks for all the reviews and favourites – you guys really do rule! _

_Now enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I can't find anything at the moment, Sir," Penelope rambled down the line. The team had been gone for four days on a case and even though the Unsub hadn't added to his body count, he was certainly no closer to be caught than he was when the team were first brought into help. "I've cross matched the victims, and the method of death. I've also gone over the videos and photos several times but he has distorted his appearance every time that the only thing we can peg on him is that he is male."

"How do you mean distorted his appearance exactly?" Hotch asked calmly.

"Adjusted his height, his weight, hair colour and cut," Penelope told them. She had listed ways in which he could've done it, anything to keep her that bit more occupied, "The way in which he acts and tortures his victims shows it is the same person, but that is all I can deduce from what I've been sent."

"Anyone could've spotted that from the videos," Derek spoke up and ran a hand over his stubbly chin roughly, "One of us could have concluded that."

"Penelope's only doing her job, Morgan," Hotch said jumping quickly to defend their technical analyst.

"You know what, Hotch? She's been nothing but useless to us the last two cases and you know it," Derek said, quiet enough for no one outside of the team to hear, but loud enough for Penelope to hear on the other end of the line. "You ever felt like maybe we need a new tech?"

"Whoa Morgan," Emily defended feeling a little off putted with Derek's harshness to Penelope's ability. "She's working with everything we give her. She can't do much more than that."

"She used to be able to do anything," Derek growled, "Now she's nothing but a letdown to us and to be honest she's being a liability to us if she can't work with what we give her."

"I promise you I can work harder," Penelope spoke out defensively, her voice quivering with the newest onslaught of tears. "I will work harder. I won't let you down."

"Lately that's all you do," Derek spat out and turned to go outside for air.

"I'll call you if I find anything," Penelope said as she put the phone down.

Hotch looked around at his remaining team, and he noted that they were all shocked at what had just transcended between the pair that had once been dubbed the couple of the decade.

"We seriously need to sort those two out now and quickly," Rossi commented looking around.

"Pen won't tell us anything," JJ commented as they tried to decide what would've broken Penelope and Derek up. "Every time we ask she clams up or literally runs-"

"Or breaks down over it. Either way she runs from it," Emily added in.

"That as well. Whatever happened, it's changed them both too much," JJ said sadly, she hated how they had become towards each other.

"Well Morgan needs to get his head in the game," Rossi chucked in as he placed his hands to the counter top.

"I'll go," Emily said as she went to leave the room. "I'll make sure he gets more focused on the case."

"Emily," Hotch called out, making her turn back. "Try and find out what the hell is going on between them two as well. It's affecting us all now."

"Course I will," Emily said and headed outside "What the hell, Morgan?" Emily asked as she came out after him. She had had to deal with Derek's demeanour when she had come out of hiding nearly two years ago, and ever since she had just had to deal with Derek Morgan, the loved up man, the real gentleman.

"She's not really doing any good anymore to us."

"She's doing perfectly fine," Emily defended Penelope, "I don't understand how in five weeks you two have gone from perfectly loved up to this."

"Yeah, well there's a lot you don't know."

"Care to share?" Emily asked as she crossed her arms over her chest, "Because at this rate you're gonna be the one that's incapable and unreliable not her and that'll be your fault not hers."

"She slept with Lynch," Derek admitted and the words came out with pure hatred. "Five weeks ago, she slept with Lynch and I can't stand to look at her or talk to her because I am still so deeply in love with her that it hurts right now. And the one thing that's bugging me so much at the moment is that I can't even get a hold of Kevin to kill him myself."

"Oh," Was all Emily said to him and felt her mind race with so many scenarios and reasons. "Has she explained at all why she did it?"

"She said she has no recollection why she did it," Derek told her and looked at her. "She said she doesn't remember getting into bed with him, just waking up with him."

"I'm gonna be frank with you here, but that doesn't sound like Penelope to me," Emily spoke truthfully, "She isn't the unfaithful type, and she isn't especially to you. Plus, her not having any memory of it?"

"She was completely hung over the next day," Derek told her, "Too much alcohol would explain the memory loss."

Emily's mind was highlighting a lot of reasons to what had happened, and she was about to broach them with Derek but every time she felt herself halt and think again. She sounded crazy in her own head at some of the conclusions she was drawing.

"Morgan, Prentiss, you're with me, we got another body," Rossi said as he came out and broke the moment.

Derek sighed, actually grateful for the distraction.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Sitting in her office, Penelope worked as the tears dragged down her cheeks. She was going to prove that she wasn't useless, that she was capable of keeping her job – even if she was having trouble working right and be on the same team as Derek at the one time.

She hated that Derek couldn't even bare to be in the same room with her. She loathed how he was so ready to put himself in harm's way now and she knew if he got hurt, even if just a little, she would feel the most blame. At the end of the day, she was the reason before that he had become less reckless, and now he was back to his old ways of defying rules and going against orders.

Finding what she needed was quick a success. She hadn't thought it would be that quick to find, after all, she was working with minimal details and her mind was anywhere but at work at that moment.

Pleased momentarily, she wiped her face free of tears and pushed speed dial to ring Hotch and pass on what she had found.

"Hotchner," Hotch's voice rang out within a few moments.

"Sir, I found an address," She said quickly down the line and gulped harshly, trying her hardest to control her feelings. She was so ready to break down all over again.

"Penelope, what Morgan said – don't take any notice of him," Hotch said down the line.

"It's hard not to," Penelope admitted sadly, "I've sent the address to your PDA. I found it as fast as I could, and I'm still working on other leads, but I'm sure that's our baddie."

"Good work, but please do not run yourself into the ground. I know you and Morgan broke off on a bad note, but I don't have any dreams of replacing you." Hotch told his tech, he could hear her shaky breaths down the line and needed to soothe her fears and woes.

"Thank you, Sir," Penelope replied a little more calm. "Stay safe." She told him and then shut the line off.

She put her head in her hands and broke down. She hated how she no longer found peace in anything. How she no longer had that happy feeling sitting in her stomach and she hated how she was so close to getting her happily ever after and it was taken from her and she no longer had anything worth getting up for.

Derek was always her main reason, even before they had gotten together.

Now she had lost everything that meant something to her.

Every day she woke up with the loneliness, with the regret, with the fear of still not knowing what exactly transcended that night.

Except now she had the fear of losing her job shadowing her heavily.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	6. Broken Revelations

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So yeah, Derek's an ass, Lynch has disappeared, and Penelope's a mess... Just remember not to kill me and the story will be yours! ;) _

_Thanks as always, and enjoy! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Might wanna go for this one," A sales assistant said as she stepped in after watching Penelope stare at the pregnancy tests for the last twenty minutes. "It dates your pregnancy as well."

"Right," Penelope said as her hand took the pregnancy kit from the ladies hand, "Thank you."

"Get that one, and a few of the ones on offer just so you can triple check," She persisted to say cheerfully, "Really be sure before you break the news to the daddy."

Penelope felt the tears sting her vision as the woman excused herself to go help another customer. Taking a few other tests, Penelope headed for the checkouts. The only person she was going to be telling that she was pregnant was her own reflection as she faced herself.

Taking herself to her car she sat in the driver's seat and looked out of the window screen aimlessly and noticed movement next to her. Looking she saw a black SUV pull up and Derek jumped down, and Emily and Reid climbed out as well. She made haste and put the engine on, driving away quickly.

"Isn't that Garcia's car?" Reid asked as he saw the orange caddy drive off out of the parking lot.

"Who cares?" Derek grumbled, "She made her own bed."

Emily furrowed her brow, she hated how dark Derek was nowadays and every time she got close to Penelope she bolted. It wasn't even as if it was just her that the walls were building between, Penelope was being like it with all of them. She had played around with ideas, even tried to hunt out Kevin, but it seemed that there were no answers to be had when one of the main culprits had disappeared. She couldn't even get Derek to think rationally as his own form of depression settled in thickly.

"Anyone else notice how her physical appearance is dropping?" Reid continued to ask away as they went into the store, "She's usually extremely proud of what she wears and how she looks, but not anymore. At the moment she really isn't."

"Well a whore doesn't keep good appearances," Derek bit back and even that comment hit him hard. He hadn't meant to say that out loud or at all. He was being nasty and vindictive and he was regretful of that. "Sorry, that was uncalled for," He apologised quickly, "I'm just tired at the moment and stressed."

"Let's just get a couple of boxes of beer and go and relax," Emily said once she had recovered from Derek's comment and tone. "We need to work off the last couple of cases."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Making it back to her hotel room she quickly logged onto her laptop, checked her bank account and then persisted to seek out if Kevin was actually alive to answer her call considering everything had been slow moving or stagnant in his paper trail. She looked down at the pharmacy bag and gulped as her gaze settled back on her account and she noticed that she was spending too much money on hotel rooms. After all, hers and Derek's wedding had been taking a lot of funds even though they were going for simplicity. It was true that your perfect wedding didn't come cheap.

Now she was feeling the fallout from it.

Grabbing her cell she typed in Kevin's number and rang it. She fiddled with a pen as she did so, doodling to take her mind off this moment, as she tried to stop her heart from hoping that this was the one time he would pick up his cell and speak to her.

"_Hi, this is Kevin_," Kevin's voice mail spoke out loud, _"I'm not around at the moment, so if you'd like to leave your name and number and a message I'll get back when I'm around."_

Sighing, Penelope waited for the beep before leaving yet another message, "I don't know what the hell happened that night, but it'd be kind of you to get back to me and as soon as possible. I deserve answers and you seem to have more than me." He eyes flickered down to the bag that contained the pregnancy tests. "Jus- just call me back. Please." She shut the phone down and grabbed the bag and headed to the dingy bathroom.

It didn't take long for Penelope to being pacing back and forth in the small hotel room with anticipation. She sat down at the mini bar and started to go back through the papers trying to seek out a new apartment again. She had gotten endless amounts of papers to try and find something affordable on her wage. She halted, fearfully for a moment - if she was pregnant she was going to have to find something even smaller so that her monthly wage would cover all of the basic necessities for her _and_ a baby.

She picked her phone up. Penelope needed to talk to someone, she needed help, but she had no idea what to do. Then one number seemed to make sense to her, her only portal to haven.

However, as each new dial rang out she wondered if she was doing the right thing.

"Hello?" Came a dry voice from the other end of the line, and there was a moment silence.

This was it.

"Joel, I really need to speak to you," Penelope said as she finally heard a voice down the line that was familiar and comforting. "I've messed up so bad."

"Penny?" Her brother said concerned, "What's up, Kiddo?" He had sent her an email with his number and address months ago, and told her to use it if she ever needed someone to talk to. He would answer no matter what. "What's happened?"

"I've lost everything," She sobbed and then told him everything else that had happened in the last couple of weeks. From wedding planning to ending up in another man's bed to ending up heartbroken. "I don't remember anything, Joel and I-I think I'm pregnant."

"Can you not talk to Derek? I mean he cannot be that much a heartless ass to not help you if you asked for it." Joel asked, he had heard about Derek in the emails and he had known they were engaged and that Penelope was happy. He was shocked to hear how lost Penelope was when she spoke about what had happened between them.

"He won't talk to me," Penelope replied completely desolated by it all. "I'm having a hard time keeping all of this together and I don't know who to turn to. If I'm pregnant, I don't know what I'm going to do."

"You're a survivor, Penny," He replied soothingly down the line. He had dreamt of hearing his sister's voice, but never had he thought that would be these circumstances. "Whatever happens we will get through this. I mean, if push comes to shove you can come back here, but that is only if you see that as the best move."

"I just don't know what to do," Penelope replied, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I should fight to keep this life, but a massive part of me just wants to curl up and forget everything. I don't want to be judged by my team anymore than they already are and plus, with all the pressures of work, I don't want to be the one just piling on top of them all. That isn't fair and I would never do that."

"So you're going to be the suffer in silence type through all of this? Even you aren't that stupid to know the effects that stress is gonna have if that test is positive," Joel said down the phone. "I might not have been there and met Derek I sure know that he wouldn't be unreasonable to hear you out."

"He won't be around me unless he has to be," Penelope said, "And that isn't for anything personal."

"Okay," Joel relented and decided not to go on with this anymore. To save Penelope the pain of trying to find loop holes, "Have you taken the test?"

"Yeah, I did it before phoning you. I needed the distraction," Penelope told him warily down the line as her eyes looked into the bathroom from the other side of the room. "What do I do?"

"You go look," Joel advised her soothingly, "I'm not making promises, but I am going to try and get out to you as soon as I can, but for now you need to take this step and find out what you're exactly dealing with."

Penelope shakily went into the bathroom and the moment her eyes saw the results she closed her eyes, "It's positive," Penelope sobbed as she looked down at the white stick and as her eyes went to the amount of weeks she felt herself cave even more. Seven weeks ago she had gone out with Kevin, seven weeks pregnant as a result. "I've gotta go," Penelope said and ignored her brother's attempts to get her attention as the line was cut off.

Sinking down against the bath, she pulled her knees to her chest and looked at the pregnancy test on the floor in front of her.

She wasn't ready for this new revelation in life.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	7. Harsh Realities

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_I know you're all hanging on for a HEA, it's just not yet... But enjoy! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope hated this. She had only known she was pregnant less than two weeks and the morning sickness was just getting worse and worse for her. She was back and forth from the toilets, and every strong smell she smelt was just making her stomach convulse on her. She had read that stress increased morning sickness, even caused it and she was stressing out to the max with so many issues that relaxing wasn't an option for her.

However much she loathed morning sickness and the even more heightened emotional rollercoaster she seemed to be on she couldn't fault that she loved this baby to an extent. After all, she had always dreamt of having a baby, just that dream involved the man of her dreams loving her, supporting her.

Stepping out of the toilet and going to the basin, she watched as one of the cubicle doors came open and a tall redhead stepped out and went to wash her hands.

"Everything okay, Penelope?" Came the interested voice of Melissa - the tech pool's biggest gossip, "Seems you're ill."

"Just something I ate, I'm sure. That or the long night," Penelope feigned as she looked at herself in the mirror, trying to put on a brave face so she could go and challenge the new day ahead of her.

"Here have some coffee," She said as she handed the Starbucks container over, "Always helps me after a rough night."

Penelope took one smell and bolted back to the toilet cubicle as her stomach fought and she felt the need to throw up. She sat for a moment; waiting for the nauseous feeling to pass and then she just remained collapsed on the floor for a moment.

"Thought so," Melissa said and quickly turned on her heels and left the ladies room.

Feeling the tears, Penelope didn't even have the energy to run after Melissa and beg her not to say anything. Quickly sucking in a deep breath, Penelope composed herself, leaving the enclosed space, she realised that she couldn't keep her pregnancy a secret forever and in a way Melissa was doing her a favour – regardless of what the consequence was going to be for Penelope on a temporary basis.

Taking one last look at herself, Penelope turned and headed back to her office praying that the morning sickness had passed for the day.

Looking at her office, Penelope saw what minimal stuff she had salvaged from the house as it sat around on the floor, in the corners. She was definitely ashamed to tell anyone what her living arrangements were at that moment in her life. If it wasn't a hotel room, it was her car and if it wasn't that it was her office. All minor discrepancies as she carried on trying to find an affordable apartment.

She looked at the couch behind her and she just closed her eyes and remembered a time when Derek would lie on it and call her name so seductively that she could forget post case woes and soothe her wounded soul as she healed his.

Opening her eyes it was still the dimly lit room, with the worn couch, surrounded by her belongings and she still had the same throbbing in her chest and stomach that had become almost a friend of hers.

She thought about how the team were acting around her and she knew from the look that Emily gave her that she knew what had happened and she could tell that she was trying to make sense of it. That every time she looked at her she was trying to piece together what really went down. As for the others, she knew they knew. They might not have broached it, but somewhere a long the line they knew what had caused the dissolution between Penelope and Derek's imminent happily ever after.

She was just glad she didn't have to tell them.

It was one thing living it, but a totally different thing trying to work out and explain it to people. For now, Penelope was having enough hell trying to go over the events and give herself answers for her own peace of mind.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

She had taken her time the next morning, slowly gathering her bearings she sunk into work. She'd suffered the gruelling ice cold showers that the bathrooms in the bureau had to offer, and managed to get changed and fix herself up without any disruptions, but she knew soon she'd have to take herself to a hotel and start sleeping decently and getting a worthy wash. She knew soon the slip in her appearance was going to show too much, but for a couple of days she would just try to get through the day without her life rearing its ugly head.

"Is it true?" Derek asked Penelope as he stood in the doorway of her office. He watched her turn to look at him bewildered, "Are you pregnant?"

Penelope's mouth fell a little at that. She hated how people gossiped in this place, but she couldn't have been surprised. After all, being caught spewing your guts by the biggest gossiper in the tech pool really didn't hold her any hope of keeping this a secret.

"Well?" Derek pushed, his eyes burning into her heatedly and she couldn't even miss the absolute hurt in his eyes at that revelation.

"Yeah," Penelope said sadly and turned back to the screens.

"What are you doing about it?" Derek persisted to ask her.

Standing up, Penelope took files and sorted them appropriately, "I'm keeping it. You know me," She said and looked at him, "Or at least I thought you did. I can't get rid of this baby." It was a lie when her tone heated. That was how Derek and her were now, they snapped easily and civil tones were just almost nonexistent between them.

"Know who the daddy is or were just you gonna wait until it's born?" Derek asked, he didn't know why, but his stomach was swirling with nerves even more than ever. He so wanted to be the dad, but the mere thought of Kevin being the father made his aggression override.

Penelope couldn't hide the hurt that stung her from his comment and she felt her emotions hit her again. "I worked it out, and well, let's just say Kevin isn't picking up his cell and I refuse to tell him that he's the father over a voicemail."

"Funny how he's just dropped off of the face of the earth in the last nine weeks isn't it?"

"Totally hilarious," Penelope scoffed sarcastically. "You got the verification of the gossip so is that everything or did you wanna make some more cheap trick comment at me?"

"No," Derek said tonelessly, "I have a wedding that I'm still working on cancelling anyway."

"You know I never wanted our lives to turn out this way," Penelope said trying to keep a front, "But you never gave me a chance."

He left without another word and Penelope fell to her seat and broke entirely, completely sobbing. All of a sudden she was confronted with life and how many lost dreams were now sitting torn to pieces around her. What Derek had just done was a purely heartless stab at her and he had hit her right where it hurt.

He had just given her the most evil indictment ever. She knew that he meant it with malice, and she was beginning to believe that she deserved this behaviour. She deserved all of the jibes and all of the comments because she had torn down Derek's world as much as she had torn down hers. It was her fault that life was like this and it was her fault she was now pregnant and looking at the most miserable future in which to bring a child up in.

Derek didn't bother to consult Hotch. He was angry, and he was feeling reckless and so he grabbed his cell, grabbed his keys and fled the building. After hearing Penelope's gossip be spread around he had felt his nerves breaking, but when he was subsequently used as joke in it all he had snapped and wanted the complete truth over the matter. He wanted the words out of Penelope's mouth and no one else's.

The moment Derek made it to his house he slammed doors and then punched the wall in the hallway – hard. He pulled his closed fist out of the plaster and stared at the hole left behind. He hated himself for loving her so much, and he hated his heart for breaking every time the mere thought of Penelope's name or face came into mind. He hated his mind for making him see Penelope and Kevin - every time he saw them having sex in his and Penelope's bed upstairs.

To top it all, she was pregnant and with another man's baby – even Penelope seemed sure of that.

For that he hated life.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	8. Futile Emotions

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_Right I really am nervous about this chapter... so we'll see how this goes =/ Enjoy, and thanks as always!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope walked down the corridor slowly, her body feeling sluggish, her stomach hurting her all of a sudden. Her first thoughts were to that of the baby, but she had too much work to contest with to worry herself with anything else. She was still feeling like everything else in her life was under threat. She'd only been in work a couple of hours, but she was back and forth from the bathroom too often to count between needing to actually use the loo and feeling extremely nauseous.

She needed to get a grip and headed to the ladies room one final time and put her files down. Taking a few minutes, Penelope looked at herself in the mirror and noticed how gaunt and stressed she was looking. Going to the toilet Penelope to get away from her reflection, she quickly realised she was bleeding. Trying not to panic, she made haste at cleaning herself up and left the cubicle, washing her hands in quick succession. Watching the water cascade over her palms she tried to stop them from shaking so violently, but it was futile she couldn't stop.

Walking back to her office, her grip firm around the files, she felt herself become lightheaded and she put her hand to the wall to steady herself and just stilled her movement for a moment. Shaking her head she started off again, but didn't make it very far before the stomach ache intensified and her entire abdomen and back seemed to be cramping.

"Penelope," Derek said as he swooped in and held her up straight. He had watched her as she had walked past the bullpen all morning and he had noted that something wasn't quite right. Now after this final time he had noted that something almost dire was in action and he couldn't sit around and not worry. After all, he still loved her, still yearned to have her back and watching her like this stuck daggers in his heart all the more.

"Get off me," Penelope groaned as she pushed away from him, her hand massaging her stomach. "I don't need your help."

"Fine," He told her as let her go. He watched her walk off in the direction of her office. He wasn't going to push her.

Penelope took a few steps forward and then bent over and groaned out in pain. All the files that were in her hands went forgotten as they fell to the floor around her. The pain had just intensified and she couldn't even forget about it now as it struck her and made her feel like she was have period cramps, just ones that made her want to moan out in pain. Ones that truly panicked her.

Derek immediately reacted. "I'm taking you to the hospital," He told her and she went to argue back. "No, you're getting stomach pains and you're pregnant. We need to get you seen to." He told her and took her hand, he took her to her office to grab her purse and put the files back and as they left he rang Hotch and guided her the entire way down to his SUV.

Making it to the hospital in record speed Penelope watched Derek charge off when they made it inside. The entire drive had been silent apart from her gasps in pain and small whimpers. She had tried to be as silent as possible, to not exist at all but it wasn't working. She had found her gaze reverting to look at him and she couldn't stop herself from wondering how life could've been if nothing had gotten so screwed up.

"I need a doctor," Derek said as he ran ahead to the desk, Penelope quickly taking to his side. "My fia-friend is getting really bad stomach cramps," he told them urgently, "She's pregnant."

"I'm sorry, Sir, but we are run off our feet today. Take one of the forms and we'll get to your friend as soon as," The nurse told him as she put more concentration on shifting files than on the urgency of the matter. "We have a lot of casualties today."

"She's pregnant," Derek spat as Penelope tried to act fine next to him. "Surely that's an emergency if she's in pain and she's only getting worse."

That tone caught the nurse's attention. "Miss, are you bleeding?" The nurse finally asked and saw Penelope's grief stricken look as she nodded fearfully, "Right, I will go find a nurse immediately, but for now all you can do until then is take a seat and fill out the forms for our records. What's the name?"

"Penelope Garcia," Penelope said and watched the nurse disappear.

Derek guided Penelope to a set of seats and sat down with her quietly. Deep down he was worried about her, about what this meant for her baby, but his physical appearance didn't show any of it. He sat beside Penelope as she filled out the forms, but he couldn't ignore the amount of pain she was in, how scared she was at that moment and just how the sadness resonated off her. Noting her shaking hands he leant over and took the clipboard and the pen and started to fill in all of the details for her. Noticing where she was hesitating to put details like her doctor, how far gone she was, her current address.

"Nine weeks right?" He asked and as he looked at Penelope he noticed how strong she was trying to be.

"Right," She answered shakily and her gaze dropped.

"Was that confirmed with the doctor?" Derek asked as he read the forms. He turned to her as she didn't answer, "Was it?" He watched Penelope shake her head at him and bite her lip. "Penelope, have you even been?" He groaned when he got no response from her. It didn't take a genius to tell him that she needed to get regular checkups to help her get ready for the rest of the pregnancy. "Why not?" He asked her, the forms going on unfinished.

Penelope looked up at him, her big eyes now completely filled with tears and anguish, "I didn't want this to be more real than it already was."

"You had to know that the baby's health was as important as yours, surely?" Derek asked and put his hand to take Penelope's.

Penelope looked at his hand holding hers and she could – for a moment – just think that all was right in the world, but she knew she was a fool to believe that. "I was scared to go alone and now if I lose this baby it'll be all my fault. It'll be down to me because I didn't go and get help when I should have," She told him as the tears finally spilt and she shakily wiped them away harshly.

"Oh Baby," Derek soothed as he let go of her hand and put it to her back to pull her into his side. The worst might have erupted between them, but he couldn't let her suffer like this on her own. He couldn't let her suffer any more.

"Penelope Garcia?" A nurse said as she broke into their conversation and stopped Derek from comforting her completely. "Sorry about the wait, would you like to come through."

Penelope nodded and noticed Derek went to move, "You don't need to hang around, Derek. I'm sure you've got better things to be doing."

"I'll fill in the rest of this," Derek told her, "Then I'll take you back home."

She went to argue with him, to get him to leave, but then she saw his expression and stopped and smiled a little. "Thank you... for everything." She said as she finally stood and followed the nurse down the corridor.

It seemed like an eternity later that Derek was left still sitting there in the waiting room. He refused to move and miss Penelope coming back out. He had a bad feeling about this and all of the hurt and hate that had built up over the last couple of weeks now seemed futile and he wanted to be a support for Penelope where she needed him to be.

"Excuse me," An older nurse than before said as she came out into the waiting room for him. "Miss Garcia wanted me to come and get you."

Derek jumped up, "Is she okay?"

Offering him a sad smile, "She said she would rather tell you what was found."

Following the young nurse down the corridor, Derek was nervous and scared. He was worried at what state Penelope was in, at how long she was going to made to stick around in this idea of hell, at what her prognosis was. However, when he made it to the room, his only concern was to get Penelope out of here.

Finding her sitting on the bed, her legs dangling off of the edge, her eyes looking at him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks he found the urge to comfort her, wrap his arms around her and just hold her tightly.

"Penelope?" He asked questioningly as the nurse left them alone. "What's happened?"

Closing her eyes, Penelope dipped her head and looked down, "I-I lost it," she said and looked back up at him slowly. "I lost my baby."

"Oh Pen," He gasped, and his heart clenched fiercely in his chest.

A knock at the door interrupted the pair of them, "I'm Doctor Wilde, hope I'm not interrupting." The man introduced himself to Derek and then went over to Penelope. "Right, Penelope we have the numbers of support groups ready for you, they'll be a major help getting you through this. However, I would just like for you to go home and get some rest. I want you to keep it easy for the next couple of days and don't overdo it. Your body needs time to recuperate after this. In a couple of days you should feel fine physically – emotionally, however, I really would advise you to speak to someone."

Penelope nodded and made a convincing display that she was listening to the advice the doctor was telling her.

"There's no need to keep you in. From the scan we can tell that this just needs to run its course naturally. There's nothing anyone could've done, but for now you just need some additional rest. I really am sorry, Penelope."

"You okay?" Derek asked her as the doctor finally left her.

"Can we just get out of here?" Penelope asked him pleading as she answered him. "Please?"

He could tell she was ready to break, all the sadness sitting right in the open. He took her hand, and helped her off the bed and took her out of the hospital.

"You're coming back to ours," He told her as they walked to his SUV. "No arguments."

Penelope didn't have the energy to argue, she would lavish this small amount of comfort that Derek was giving her while it lasted.

Then she'd prepare herself to lick her own wounds.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	9. Replacing You With You

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Okay so I took the sadness notch and rose it! We now have some progression though... So I hope you enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope looked at her hands. She sat listening to Derek make her a drink. She sat listening to everything other than her breaking heart. She wanted to cry, but she was begging herself not to in front of Derek.

"Here," He said as he put a cup of tea in front of her, "I've got something stronger if you want it?" He offered, not knowing quite what to give her.

"No this is fine," She said as her hands wrapped around it and she looked up. "Thanks." She whispered and her gaze dropped down to the table top.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked her cautiously as he sat by her.

"Talk about what exactly?" She asked and looked up at him and felt herself snap, "How my life is like hell? How even after everything, I couldn't even have this baby? That that got taken from me too?" Penelope asked Derek as though he held every answer. "Talk about how I hate that way you look at me with the same look that I was the biggest mistake of your life?"

"You are not the biggest mistake of my life, Penelope. You could never be that," Derek jumped in automatically staking his claim on how he viewed her.

"Look what I did to you, Derek. No well deserving woman does that to the man she confesses she loves with her entire heart. No woman does that to someone like you. Not when they're lucky to even have you in their life."

Derek felt his heart constrict in his chest.

"Maybe," She started and paused, "Maybe I deserved this." She spoke and looked up at him, "For allowing Kevin back, for doing that to you. Everything that's happened, it seems to make sense that it's what I deserve."

"Penelope, you can't believe that."

Finally the tears fell freely, "If I hadn't had been sucked in we wouldn't be at this point, Derek. I would've still have been living here, planning our wedding." Penelope put her elbows to the table and ran her hands through her hair roughly, "If only I could remember," she ground out in a half sob.

She felt Derek's hand moved towards her and she sat up before he could touch her, "I can't do this to you anymore." She said and stood up, "I can't run back to you and have you here with me. I can't." Penelope sobbed, her body becoming alive, her hands shaking violently. "Me being here... it can't be good."

"I want you here," He told her and stood up. He couldn't deny what he was really feeling and the last thing he wanted was Penelope to leave.

"And as much as I want to be here - with you - I can't put myself in that place. I can't love you like I do, because it just hurts to know that I ruined us. I was so happy with my life, and after one night I ruined it. I hurt you so bad and that was never my intention. I don't even love Kevin; I don't know how I ended up in bed with him." Penelope said as she felt her mind spin at the torment as she tried to remember how that night happened, "Why can't I remember it?" She asked Derek, almost pleaded with him for an answer. "How did I let that happen to me when it's not what I wanted?"

"I don't know Penelope. I wish I had answers I do," Derek replied, happy that he had kept the bitterness away from his tone.

Penelope bit her quivering lip, "Please, believe me that this was never what I wanted to happen between us. Please, just believe me when I say that that night was a mistake." She wiped her face clear of tears; she wanted Derek's arms to wrap around her body and hold her tight, hold her safe and take away the enormous ache in her heart. "I can't even give you the answers you want because I have no recollection."

As Derek sat and watched Penelope fight with herself, he wondered if she was really the innocent party in it all after all. It might have taken three months, but he was now finally wondering if Kevin had slipped something into her drinks to make her pliable to anything he instigated. Penelope's lack of memory was more than alcohol driven, because having known Penelope for ten years he knew that even when she was at her drunkest her recollection of the previous night's events still came back in waves and flashes. He had been so driven with hurt and hate that he hadn't answers given the moment the right clarity it needed. Now, however, he had every need to hunt Kevin for answers, but he knew that Penelope needed him more than ever.

Penelope began to pace then, her mind rallying over so many emotions and thoughts that she didn't know what to do, "I even bought clothes. I've only known a fortnight and I bought clothes," she said as the thoughts raced into her mind heavier and heavier. She was going to have to go home and be brought to reality with what had happened. Penelope had literally started to gather thought and accept that this baby might mark a new beginning. "I started to plan it all and now-" She placed a hand to her stomach, "Why did this all have to happen to me?" She asked Derek sorrowfully, "I love you so much and I can't get passed what happened that night. I can't stop loving you and it hurts to wake up every day and that's my fault. I brought this on myself. I made you hate me, and I made you stop loving me."

"I never stopped loving you, Penelope. I can never stop loving you," He told her truthfully as her held her in his arms. "I still love you, Baby Girl."

"No you don't. You're just saying that because of today." Penelope stopped and looked at him, "I've seen how well you've been getting on with Rachel down in HR. She's a good a match for you. You deserve to move on and find a perfect woman." Penelope smiled weakly, she was trying to divert the conversation but even that didn't hide away her level of pain at that moment. After all, she had felt jealous stab her every time Derek so much as laughed around a woman.

Derek shook his head, "I'm not ready to replace you, Penelope. I can't do that," He told her truthfully. He was done running; he was done trying to convince the world that he was over Penelope when all he ever wanted was her back home with him again, getting ready to build their future together.

"But maybe that's what you need to do," She told him painfully, "Maybe then we could both move on from this life we had together." She ducked her head then, her mind flashing up horrible scenarios. Derek loving another woman. A woman who got the touches, the kisses, the sweet nothings that she had gotten for years. A woman that would love him forever and forever. All the while she wanted the floor to swallow her whole and just end her life for her here and now.

"Because that isn't what either of us want or need," Derek told her simply.

Watching her dissolve into a new flood of tears, he knew this wasn't going to her any good. He knew he needed to get her to bed and get her the rest that the doctor had told them was vital for Penelope to get right now. However, as he watched her slip to floor, he got down with her and pulled her tight to his chest, immediately feeling her tears soaking into his chest through his top. He soothed her the best he could, calmed her, kissed her hair, lavished the moment between them.

"Where do we go from here?" Penelope asked in a quiet tone, her head still against Derek's chest after she had calmed down a little. "What happens now?"

"We start again I guess," He said and kissed into her head again, refusing to let her go.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	10. Making Things Right

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_Yes, we have a breakthrough! So have some more, and I hope you enjoy!_

_Thank you for all of the reviews, you do not know how much I love them all =) _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Watching Penelope sleep, Derek realised that he really missed having her around. He just wished that he hadn't gotten her back under these circumstances.

Looking back at his attitude, he hated himself more than he hated Penelope. He had been a complete ass to her, he had been someone undesirable and alien and he had been a bigger monster with all of the comments and snide remarks he had made at her.

He knew full well he had to make this right and he had to take it slow and not force her. It didn't take a genius to tell him that she was fragile and just needed support and nurturing to get through this. He knew he had to build a trust back with her, he had to win her back.

Turning he left the room, not realising that Penelope had been awake the whole time he had been watching her.

Walking into the kitchen shortly after, Penelope suddenly felt the dagger in her stomach as she remembered this perfection of reality - _Derek waiting in the kitchen for her._

"You're up," He said as he noticed her there. He forgot about the paper and walked towards her ready to ask her how she was feeling.

"I need to get back to work," Penelope started, "I can get my car and stuff and get out of your way."

Derek stepped in, blocking her exit, "You can stay here a little while longer."

"I think it's best I headed off," Penelope said as she started to unconsciously scared herself. Being in this house, with Derek, she was feeling dirty as she remembered all too well the moment that her world began to break apart.

"Where are you staying?" Derek asked her, "I can take you there and then you can get some rest and then I'll get your things."

"I'll take myself there," Penelope said as she looked down, she was so ashamed to admit what her living arrangements were. She wasn't proud, but decent affordable apartments didn't come up often and not at this time in the market.

"I saw you had skipped out putting your address on the forms," Derek pointed out and saw her stiffen a little. "I put this address because one day it will be yours again."

"Don't, Derek," she stopped him promptly. She didn't know whether or not to believe him, her mind wasn't on par right now and she didn't want to fall into a sense of security for it to be ripped out from under her.

"I'm trying to help, Penelope because I'm pretty sick of being apart," Derek admitted. "I have been an ass to you and I didn't hear you out. Now this happens," Derek saw he was breaking her down slowly, "So just tell me where you've been staying and I'll take you there."

"It doesn't matter," She deflected again. Her mind screaming at her that he was doing this out of pity.

"Penelope, where the hell are you staying?" He asked her again, "It can't be that bad that you can't fucking tell me!"

"I've been sleeping in my car, Derek," She shouted at him. "In my car; or my office, and sometimes in a hotel when either they have the available rooms or I can afford to stay there."

Derek let out a growl from his chest and round a hand over his head.

"So tonight I'll be going back to sleep in my car considering no decent, affordable hotel around here has any spare rooms," She told him and took in a shaky breath. "My office is off limits seeing as the security guards are getting a little suspicious." Penelope put her hands over her face, "Maybe it was good I lost the baby seeing as I didn't have any plan or life to bring it in to."

"You should never feel like that, Penelope," Derek said as he stepped in to calm her. "Whatever you had done that baby would have been the most loved child ever."

"And it wouldn't have known how much of a screw up I am," Penelope admitted to him. "It was my one chance to start over and get it right seeing as everything else was ruined." She started to cry again, the sobs not quite taking over her voice yet. "It would've been the only person that wouldn't know."

"We would've have gotten through this," Derek told her, almost vowing at her. "We would've, I know we would've."

"When?" She asked him, "Before or after this baby was born had I not lost it?" Penelope carried to question him, "I would never, ever have expected you to raise another man's baby and that in itself would have be clarification that that night really did happen. Even if I try to convince myself it never did. I even had the option to leave her and go back to California. To get a clean break."

"From who?"

"My brother Joel. He was the only person I could ring when I did the test," Penelope admitted and saw Derek's face sadden ever more. "He told me I could go back there, go back to him."

"You were thinking of leaving here?" He asked and Penelope nodded slowly, "Just like that? You weren't going to fight for us at all?"

"I still did it," Penelope finalised simply, no real substance to the answer.

"You need to stop beating yourself up over that," Derek replied. He knew it was easier said than done because he had tried every day to convince himself he was living a nightmare and would merely wake up any moment now.

"I can't," Penelope replied emotionless.

"Why not?"

"Because I feel dirty, Derek," Penelope told him honestly, "Ever since that morning all I have felt is dirty and I can't stop feeling like it. I can't even get answers out of Kevin because I haven't seen him since that morning. All I want is answers," She said and sucked in a difficult breath. "Is that so much to ask for?"

"No, Baby, it isn't," Derek soothed her and he didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether or not to touch her, hug her, Christ kiss her – God did he want to kiss away her tears for a moment.

"How is any of this ever going to be okay again?" She asked, seeking in him the advice and answers she had been asking herself all these weeks.

"One day, it just will be, Baby. I promise you, one day it will be."

Penelope looked at him, "Can you please just take me to my car?"

It wasn't hard to notice that Penelope was yearning for a little alone time. He had to respect that, after all he had thrown her out with no security, no home. Now after the influx of news of losing her baby he had to respect that she wanted to be alone.

"On one condition," He relented a little.

"What?" Penelope asked warily.

Derek smirked at her, "You have a hotel room until so much time as you want to come back here. I will take the spare room, you can have our room. I know what's happened is hurting you so badly right now, but we can't make right on this until we take the steps together."

"I come back when _I'm_ ready?" She asked and Derek nodded at her. "Okay," she answered and watched him search for his phone and ring a hotel. The moment she heard he had rang a Hotel Roosevelt she jumped in, trying to stop him. "No," she warned, "That's too expensive."

"Hush up, woman," He said and went into the kitchen pulling out his wallet. He moved around the house as she tried to stop him, but wasn't successful as he spoke out each digit of his card to the clerk on the other end of the line. When he was done he turned to her and snapped his phone shut. "Sorted."

"Why?"

"Because you are going through too much to worry about a home and money," Derek told her. "I know you'll be ready in your own time, but you've got a decent room that I am happy to allow you to stay in."

"You don't own me," She said crossing her arms across her chest, "You don't get to do this when you've treated me like some piece of dirt."

"I was a bastard, I will forever be guilty of that, and I can only try and make it up to you," Derek admitted to her. "I just need to know you are safe in a decent hotel. I need that peace of mind."

Penelope didn't understand the change in Derek. She could tell it wasn't out of pity, but this was a complete turnaround. One moment she was his lover, then his worst enemy and now they were back on common ground and he was looking after her.

"Please don't argue with me over this," Derek said taking her hand in his.

Looking at his hand in hers, she felt herself breaking a little, "Fine."

Penelope couldn't mistake that the smile Derek had just given her was going to grace her dreams tonight.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	11. The Influx of Truths

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_So you all wanted to know where the hell Kevin was... well he's about to arrive! You've all been waiting for long enough!_

_I hope you enjoy this, guys! Thanks as always =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"K-Kevin?" Penelope queried a little confused. "What are you doing here?" She asked, she knew she had to tell him what had happened, but having him right in front of her paralysed her entirely. It might have taken nearly another week, but here was the man that had taken her world and destroyed it just by his mere presence.

"I have something I need to tell you," He said to Penelope and didn't know quite where to go next.

"What?" Penelope asked, knowing in her mind that the time was upon her to admit to him what had happened.

"I drugged you, Penelope," He blurted out at her. "I wanted to have back what was Morgan's. I needed to have it, and I was so angry and jealous that you had just moved on from all of this and I hadn't. I slipped something into your drink and took you back to my hotel that night. The next morning, I made Derek believe that it was you that had wanted to come back to mine by leaving that voicemail. Not the other way round. It was all down to me. I drugged you and had sex with you."

He watched her, her set vision showing him clearly that she was just trying to make sense of the new information she had been giving. That she was already troubled by it immensely.

"I've got to tell you something, Kevin," Penelope admitted and pulled him even more to the side. Even after what he had just told her, her anger had frozen into silencing her. Her disbelief was controlling her completely at that one moment. He had drugged her and she hadn't the energy to explode. She just needed to tell him the truth of what had happened the week before. "I-I was-" She paused trying to grapple the words with a calming breath, "I was pregnant, Kevin," She told him and now the anger began to work its way up. "I lost your baby. You haven't been picking up for me to tell you what happened because of that night."

"That can't be," Kevin said and took a wide step back. "I can't have children, Penelope," Kevin said as Derek rounded the corner. "It couldn't have been my baby."

Penelope felt as if all the air in her lungs was sucked right out of them. The baby she had lost no more than a week earlier had been Derek's. Somehow, the grief of all this was so much worse than ever before. She looked at Derek's grief stricken face and couldn't stop the tears.

"I need to get out of here," Penelope said and Kevin grabbed her hand to stop her. Her anger and her despondent feelings mixing together heavily as everything finally filtered. "Get off of me Kevin," she said and shook him off. "My life is ruined because you felt you needed something over another man. You ruined that, and yo-you _raped_ me and-and," Penelope began to feel sick, her stomach recoiling in horror at the truths. She had been raped by one man, while the man she loved had given her life. Penelope felt her legs become weak and she knew she needed air. "I hate you," she told Kevin fiercely and then looked at Derek as she readied to bolt. "I am so sorry."

Stepping towards Kevin, Derek's breathing was heated and heavy with anger. "You best not go far, because you deserve to pay for everything she has been through."

"From what I heard, you were the one that threw her out on the street and you were the one that cut her off completely. So maybe you need to pay your dues too."

"Didn't you hear her?" Derek asked furiously, "She lost a baby. Now if it wasn't yours, Lynch, then who's would it be?" He watched the weedy mans expression, "I paid for everything I did to her the moment you admitted you couldn't have kids. Now you best be here when I come back or I will spend every night hunting you down and making sure you get some sort of reward for your time and energy you wasted on ruining somebody's life so much."

"Why not have me now?" Kevin asked, almost dare devilishly as Derek walked away.

"Because believe it or not, there are more important things in my life than dealing with you."

It was then that Derek ran after Penelope, taking the stairs he knew where to go. He found her on the roof of the BAU building. He could hear her cries, and he could see her desperation as she stood on the ledge, looking ready to jump. The tips of her toes, hanging off the edge, ready to just tilt her forward enough to fall. His heart sunk into his stomach as he realised just how desperate her life had become over the last few months. If anything, Penelope had lost everything and even now she was losing even more of it.

"Don't do anything stupid, Baby Girl," He told her, hoping his voice would somehow coach her away from the edge.

Penelope closed her eyes trying in vain not to cry, "What difference would it do if I was to just jump? You'd be free of everything that I've caused you. I'd be nothing more than a memory."

"It was my baby too," Derek spoke up behind her and heard her sob. "And it's killing me to know that you thought I didn't want to be there for you when you lost it. It hurts to know that we were so close to getting that family before it all fell apart. This is killing me."

"You weren't the one that got manipulated and used and you weren't the one that had to stand there and watch the one person you love most look at you like you're some mistake that they were lucky to get away from." Penelope began to sob, "You don't have to go to sleep at night remembering that one look, that one feeling. I have to go to bed with that and I have to go to bed now knowing that I was nothing more than something to be abused. That he did it to rip apart my life to get some sort of satisfaction. So tell me why jumping wouldn't be better?" She asked him, not looking at him, her attention on the ground far below. "Because right now doing that seems like the perfect solution to this."

"It might be perfect to you, but what me? You jump and I'm the one that's left behind to deal with it. I will forever be sorry for the way I've treated you, Penelope. I was angry, and I was hurt and Christ, I never thought that it would be you that would make me feel any of that and now, after months I find out that you were just a victim in all of this."

"I told you I didn't remember," she cried at him. "I tried every day since that night to remember. I don't know how many times I stayed up just trying to give you what you wanted to hear. Everything from that night was just a massive black out." Penelope put her hands to her head in frustration, her balance unsteady, "I hate this life so much, Derek." She finally admitted; her voice full of sorrow.

"It'll get better," Derek said, his tone soft, his heart breaking.

"When?" Penelope asked him fearful, her head turning sharply to look at him. "When will this get better?" She continued to ask, "I have been hurting nonstop since that night and I don't know how many times I sat and blamed myself over it. That maybe I had wanted to go with him, that maybe I did instigate it, but in the pit of my stomach I knew that wasn't it. That I would never, ever do that to you because I love you just too God damn much," She screamed at him. "I knew I wouldn't do that sort of betrayal, that isn't me, but without any evidence or even me remembering it, I had no way to make you believe me so you didn't. You didn't believe, Derek. You didn't trust me enough to believe _me_."

Derek didn't wipe the tears from his face. He was at a loss for words at seeing his usually tough, confident woman be this weak and angry and abused right in front of him.

"You just didn't believe me," She sobbed harsher and looked back to the floor. The temptation to take a step forward and forget this world feeling more and more like absolute pleasure. "This feels like the only choice I have right now."

"Just please, come away from the edge because that isn't your only choice. I want my girl back in my life. I _need _her back," Derek told her. "I don't want another night in that house without you, Penelope. I made the biggest mistake doubting you, not the other way round. You were never a mistake in my life; you were always the best thing to happen to me. So please, step away from that ledge and let me make this right. Please, Pen, I'm begging you. _Please_."

Penelope could hear Derek's desperation. She felt her heart rush with familiar emotions.

"I love you, that never stopped, but I was hurting and I was angry and by the time I had calmed down any you were gone and life had just seemed to have lapsed by too much. I love you, Penelope, so please, I'm begging here, please do not jump. Please. Please."

Hearing that, she decided to give him a chance. To find some form of happiness again and especially have it with the man she was in love with.

As she turned, she felt her footing go and Derek acted quick to grab her. Subsequently drawing her right into his arms and holding her as she broke down into tears.

"It's okay," He soothed as he rocked her body against his. "It's going to be okay, Baby." He almost promised as he refused to let her go in that moment. "We're going to be okay."

"Are we?" She asked as she broke down even more, "I lost your baby," Penelope sobbed into his chest.

Derek's eyes closed, in an attempt to stop the influx of tears that now began to sting at his eyes. His own heart breaking into pieces, this time for a different reason that before. He kissed into Penelope's head and tried to soothe his own wounds while keep her in one piece.

"What the hell's going on?" Hotch said as he came out onto the roof.

"You need to find Lynch, that's what," Derek said as he rocked Penelope in his arms. "He will pay for what he did, Penelope." He near enough spat and looked up at the team with heated eyes, "One of you had better find Kevin fucking Lynch before I do or there won't be a body to throw in a jail cell."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	12. Truth's Curse

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_There's still no major break for a while yet, but it will be coming =) _

_Thanks for all of the reviews, hope you enjoy the new chapter!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"One more push," the doctor urged Penelope and she felt an almighty urge and listened. She grabbed the railings of the bed tightly, the sweat on her palms making her hands slip slightly. There was never going to be a man's hand to take hers and give her a firmer grasp. She was in this on her own after all. The real father abandoned her baby, the real love of her life moved on. She wasn't anyone's world and right now, she knew the moment she gave birth she wasn't going to be overwhelmed with joy and happiness and she knew a part of her was going to hate this baby.

"I can't," she said as she fell back completely exasperated. She needed someone to coach her, to support her. She needed Derek, but she knew he was never going to come near her again. "I can't do this any longer."

"Yes you can," the doctor urged her.

Penelope tried to resist, but her body had a mind of its own and right now it was telling her to push.

She had no choice but to start the new chapter of her life.

"Meet your little boy," the nurse said mere moments later and placed the baby down on her chest.

Penelope looked in absolutely shocked awe and then pulled the blanket down to get a better look at the generation of the Lynch's.

She screamed out in anguish as the baby in her arms was a perfect blend of her skin colour and Derek's.

Penelope sat up bolt right before realising it was all a dream. She sunk back down and pulled the pillow into her arms and sobbed. She let each new cry rack her body, and made her convulse, but for once this felt like the best cry she had had since everything had happened. It felt most beneficial and she actually felt like it was a form of a breakthrough.

"Baby," Derek said as he came into the room. He had taken the guest room to allow Penelope to have their bed. Having heard her scream and then consequently her cries, he couldn't ignore his need and want to be in the room.

"Can-can you just hold me?" Penelope asked him as she cried heavier tears. "I am so sick and tired of doing all of this alone." It wasn't a lie. Penelope was sick of the lonely nights, the empty days, the empty rooms to scream into when a nightmare hit and now she was fed up of grieving alone.

Derek didn't need another request. He needed Penelope in the same way. The moment he removed the pillow from her hold and took her into his arms, he felt the sweat clinging to her body and he could feel the mild shakes her body was going through. He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew she was prone to nightmares at the best of times, but the information she was issued with today had sent her into a spiral.

He held her close and made sure she was completely protected in his arms. It was as he held her that he realised just how much he had missed having her around like this and the thing that scared him was that they may never get back to the state of bliss they had once shared.

Not controlling her sobs, Penelope felt herself get lost in the emotional downhill she was in at the moment. Everything was just toppling her over and over and she couldn't stop it to see something positive. Finally having Derek holding her like he used to she felt like something was sure to go right in her life at long last.

"You gonna get some sleep or do you want a drink?"

Penelope looked up at him, "I just-" She paused, trying to calm herself, "I ju-just want my life back." She told him the one thing she wanted in her life, "That's it."

"It's right here for you, Baby Girl," Derek vowed as he held her in his arms and waited for her the tears to force her into a sleep. Even well after he knew that she was asleep, he stayed awake and during that night he barely slept. He wanted to just hear Penelope sleeping next to him.

When day broke, he climbed out of the bed, leaving Penelope alone in the middle of the bed and left the room. He didn't want her disturbed and he knew her body was going to exhaust itself if she woke up every night and sobbed that hard.

Opening her eyes, Penelope woke with a jolt, forgetting where she was. Looking around the room she remembered it all too well and ran her hands over her head trying to soothe the headache. She couldn't deny she felt miserable, but she was calm at knowing that her and Derek now had clearer air around them both. They were both back on the same page of life – well almost.

Climbing out of the bed, she pulled his dressing gown around her body and headed downstairs.

The moment she entered the living room, Penelope noticed the book on the table beneath the television and went over to it. Putting her hand on it, she ran her fingers over the cover design and felt her eyes water, turning over the page she saw what had started as basic plans and ideas for hers and Derek's wedding.

"I should've hidden that away," Derek said mentally hitting himself. He realised that leaving that out had been a mistake and he knew he should've realised just how that would have affected Penelope. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Penelope told him and wiped her tears as Derek stepped behind her, "I lost you and then I lost your baby, Derek." She felt his arms wrap around her body then and hold her steady as she broke, "They are two of the scariest things to ever happen in my life and they happened."

"When I said we'd get through this I meant it," Derek told truthfully, "I screwed up badly, but I need us to have a chance to get this right." He felt Penelope nod her head as she continued to look over the book that she had spent time putting together in preparation. "You do not know how sorry I am."

"It's not your fault," Penelope said as she broke away from his embrace and turned to face him, tears slicking her cheeks. "I just can't believe it had to happen to us."

"Me either," Derek admitted softly, "We can make it right though, can't we? You can forgive me?"

Penelope couldn't deny him that, she nodded and bit down on her quivering lip, "I have nothing to forgive, Derek. All I did was continue to love you when I knew I shouldn't. Sure I hated not being here, but at the end of the day, you were reacting to what you had been told. You reacted how anyone would've in that situation. It's you that needs to forgive me."

"I was angry," Derek replied regretfully, his tone so full of morose. "I didn't show that in a good way. I threw you out without hearing you out and I pushed you away. I didn't let it out right."

"Like the hole in the wall?" Penelope asked him, knowing that she had seen the whole when he had brought her in here.

"Like I said I was angry," Derek told her, his own eyes clouding up with tears. "I hated that you were so certain that you were pregnant with Kevin's baby when it should've been mine and I was angry that I had ruined us."

"You didn't ruin anything, Handsome," Penelope told him gently as she put a hand to the side of his face. "None of this is your fault. It wasn't you that won my trust to throw back at me and you weren't the fool that fell for it all." Penelope dropped her hand as she said that and dropped her gaze at the same time, "That fool was me."

"Hey," He told her and made her raise her gaze to his, "You should never, ever feel a fool for wanting to make things better with someone, Baby. Never should you feel like that."

"He raped me," Penelope replied solemnly, as everything seemed to hit her hard once again. "That makes me a fool."

Derek couldn't stand seeing Penelope cry over this again and so he captured her in his arms and held her there. He held her tight and refused to let her go, he wasn't ready for the separation and he wasn't prepared to let go any time soon.

Derek knew he had things to sort out - Kevin for sure - but at that moment he needed some alone time with Penelope.

Time to heal.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	13. Getting A Confession

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_We've still got a bit of tension left in this! But there is a light ahead =) Thanks for all of the reviews, they are beyond appreciated!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek had regrettably left Penelope at the house, but he had seen she wasn't up for facing Kevin again in such quick succession.

To be honest, Derek was still surprised that Kevin had willingly given himself to be arrested. All Derek was ready to hear was why Kevin had even taken such a sinister route like he had. Why he had to make Penelope such a victim. Had Kevin not have handed himself in, Derek would have been on the hunt for his blood. Right now, his mind wasn't on the right wave length to exact such physical revenge. He was still reeling from the events of hearing that Kevin couldn't have been the father to hearing that he had drugged Penelope that night.

Approaching him, Rossi took in Derek's far off glance. "How's Penelope today?" Rossi asked worriedly, breaking Derek's trance. He had noticed the downfall in their tech and after hearing Derek's attack on Lynch's life as he hugged her he had known that there was a lot of things that needed to be sorted out to make her, her old self.

"She was still sleeping when I got the call, so I left her be," Derek said as he ran a hand over his head. "She's a mess though, Dave."

"All she needs is a good support and we can get her through this," Rossi replied with a kind smile. "What's going on with you and her now?"

"I don't know," Derek admitted as he ran his hand over the back of his neck nervously, "I want her back, but I don't want her forced into anything. The last thing I want is her pressured."

Rossi nodded, "I know anyone can say this, but it's obvious you still love one another and neither of you are fault here. I say salvage it. I wasted three marriages and lost my true love. Don't be like me Derek and let yours get away. It will be a regret that you'll feel for years, believe me."

"Thanks," Derek appreciated and looked as he saw Hotch leaving the bullpen.

Hotch approached the men, giving them a disapproving look, "We're not allowed to have any involvement in Kevin's interrogation. We're only allowed to look in."

"What?" Derek asked angrily, "Penelope deserves answers and we're the best ones to give them to her."

"It's way too personal this time, Morgan," Hotch told Derek solemnly, "And you're too emotionally involved this time round."

Rossi slapped his hand to Derek's back, "If they're not getting anywhere, then we'll take over, Derek."

Derek nodded as Hotch led the way out to go to local police department to overlook Kevin's interrogation. He didn't take in any of the talk between his bosses, he spent the entire time contemplating if he should ring Penelope or not and when he finally decided to he realised he wanted to hear her voice he found himself outside of the police station.

He made no attempt to break conversation or stall this; he just walked in and found himself in the small room behind the one way glass looking in on Kevin as he sat facing them all – the interrogation already underway.

As Derek watched him, he could fell his blood boil with rage as he wished he could get his hands around Kevin and make him pay for everything that he bestowed upon Penelope's lire since that night. He might have slipped Penelope something and slept with her, but the ripple effect from it was something so much more than that. He had broken a relationship, divided a family, shattered hearts and splintered happy endings.

For that, his hatred of this man just escalated.

Acknowledging again why he was her was, Derek realised why Kevin always made the hairs on the back his neck stand on end and why he had always been a little wary around him. He never had Kevin down as someone capable of doing this, but he guessed he never knew what Kevin was capable of had he had the perfect opportunity. Derek dropped his gaze and wished he had just never left Penelope alone with Kevin now. He wished her had out with her that night when she had suggested it.

Derek felt himself weakening as he stood in the small room, and there was one thing that seemed to be attacking his mind; something Penelope had told him that he had seemingly erased from his mind midst all of the hurt.

"_I'm yours, Derek. I want to marry you and have a family with you. I want everything with you. Fair enough there is history there, but I do not love him, nor will I ever do in this lifetime or the next. That's why I can't understand your rationality over it all."_

He knew she knew she was very much able to make her own decisions when drunk. After all, over the near enough decade, Derek had been in the company of drunk Penelope and he knew her most. He knew that she could get completely wasted, but she knew full well what she was up to and in the morning, if she didn't remember it, she would by the end of the day and no longer. All the signs for suspicion had been there and he had ignored them all. He was a fool to ever let his hurt rule his rationality for so long.

Shaking his head, Derek realised he was here was answers. He wanted to go home knowing that he could explain to Penelope why this had happened to her when she was ready to know. He wanted to have answers as to why his life had been ripped away from him and seemingly destroyed until he could have it back.

"Did you slip Miss. Garcia something on the night of Friday 22nd April 2011?" Kevin was asked by the lead detective on the case. He had a tone full of malice, and his posture showed he wasn't ready to be messed around.

"Yes," Kevin replied tonelessly.

"Did you rape Miss. Garcia on the night in question?" The detective asked seriously and watched Kevin nod his head, "I need a yes or a no, Mr. Lynch."

"Yes I raped her," Kevin admitted to them, the tape recording his declaration that he had done the ultimate deed to Penelope.

"We've tried to understand why, maybe you would care to clarify why exactly?" He asked and leant in, intrigued to hear the truth. "Mr Lynch, you must have a reason for using such a violent and controlling act."

Still no response.

"Okay," The detective said, "Mind telling me exactly happened?"

Kevin seemed to snap out of his trance at that question. "Even then, when it should've been me that had the power, she still said his name," Kevin admitted and all of a sudden his face had contorted with darkness and he looked almost psycho. He didn't really answer the question, but more of that night was coming to light. "Derek – that's all she said as she fell down on the bed. Derek I'm home. Even though she wasn't she was convinced she was, she thought I was him and she was so out of it by the time we did it that she didn't care."

"I really think it's time you helped us understand, Kevin," The detective asked, "What made Miss. Garcia the one you wanted?"

"You ever look at that one guy in your life that always got what you wanted?" Kevin asked, his tone darkened with heated jealousy. "He'd get the girls, the good life, the good job, and then to top it all, he always got _the_ girl." He continued to ask, "Well Derek Morgan was that guy in my life. He has it all and to top it all he had Penelope and I wanted her to myself. She was never fully mine, but that night she was all mine."

"That's all I needed to hear," Derek said and fled the room needing air as he felt the need to throw up.

Walking around the house aimlessly, Penelope noticed that this was still the place that her and Derek had started to build together. He hadn't changed a thing. Yet all the while she had been living the squalor life style, Derek continued to live in what she had dubbed as her own personal palace.

Making it to the kitchen, she saw Derek had left her a note on the fridge.

_Morning Baby, I'm at work for an hour or two tops. I'll be bringing back lunch for us to enjoy. You know where everything is – this is your home still._

_D xx_

Sighing, Penelope put the note down deciding she wasn't hungry and headed up to the bedroom's en suite to take a long shower.

Turning the water on, she stepped out of her clothes and stepped under the running water and felt a shudder run over her as the perfect temperature hit her skin. It had been a while

Penelope sunk to the floor of the shower, her knees coming up to her chest. She didn't cry, she just stared as her thoughts exploded and she couldn't stop them from consuming her whole. She knew this was her home, Derek had called it that, but she couldn't help but feel like an intruder in it.

Even as she looked around the bathroom that she had shared with Derek for what felt like decades, she felt like a stranger.

Setting her gaze on the razor as it sat where Derek had obviously left it last, Penelope felt the darkness eclipse her rationality. She thought about how much relief she could really feel by just slicing it across her skin and before her mind actually allowed any blood to fall she stood and jumped out of the shower before the idea of self harming totally took a hold of her completely.

She quickly dried herself and grabbed the clothes Derek had left out for her to wear until he brought her stuff with him later. Feeling the looseness and comfort of the material around her skin she dried her hair as much as she could and then sunk back down into the bed.

She didn't want to be anywhere near this world.

With Derek out of the house, it felt like the loneliest place on Earth.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	14. Try With Love

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_So I offered you some hope and now I'm dashing it... As always, I hope you enjoy what's to come! _

_Thanks as always for the reviews =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Pacing back and forth in the kitchen, Derek listened to the ringing tone. He was more nervous for the atmosphere in the house, than the moment upon him. He had set up a little picnic outside for Penelope, but after she hadn't moved he needed to get some advice from a familiar source.

"Hello?" His mother's tone rang out calm and collected.

"Hey Ma," Derek replied instantly and despondently. "I really need you."

Fran sensed her son's despair and it scared her. "What's happened now?" She asked, she had listened to her son cry down the phone at her for losing Penelope from his life. She had felt the hatred that Penelope betraying Derek had left her with and ever since she hadn't heard her son happy once.

"It's Penelope," Derek said and sucked in a deep breath. "She was raped."

Fran's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat as her lungs constricted, "What?" She asked terrified as her mothering instincts kicked in. "When? Oh God, is she okay?"

"Kevin raped her that night. She never cheated on me and she was pregnant," Derek halted as the tears finally fell, "She lost my baby, Mom. It was never Kevin's, it was mine and she miscarried." Derek unashamedly cried down the phone. "I think she needs a mom," Derek admitted sadly, "I think she needs you."

"You should've called sooner, Derek," Fran replied, her tone dipped with concern. "I would've come right away," She continued and Derek could hear her rummaging around for something and sorting things.

"I know," Derek said back sorrowfully, "I don't wanna lose her more than I have."

"You're not," Fran spoke back confidently.

"I just really need some help," Derek asked her helplessly. "I don't know what to do for her and all she's doing is laying in bed and won't move."

"Just go and try to get her to go out for some fresh air, Derek," Fran answered, "Get her out of that room. I'll sort flights and be with you as soon as I possibly can."

Derek took each step slowly as he tried to rack his brain for how he was going to do this. How best to plan the moment. Walking in his saw her on her side, her eyes staring wide, her position unmoved and he couldn't hide the heavy sign. "Gonna come outside?" Derek asked as he sat on the empty side of the bed. "I have a surprise for you."

"I just want to stay here."

Shaking his head, he watched as she curled up even more into the bed and duvet and closed her eyes. He took the moment into his own hands and threw the quilt off. He then bent down and scooped her up before she had a chance to argue. The moment she was in his arms, cradled by him, she fought.

"Stop fighting, Baby," Derek soothed her as he started for the doorway. "I am not putting you down until we're outside."

"Please," Penelope still fought his grip, "I don't want to go outside, Derek."

"Tough," Derek remained firm and didn't let go of her opposition to leave the room. "You're coming with me for a bit. You cannot stick around in here for life; it won't do you any good." He told her as he finally took her out into the cool night.

Penelope was wordless as she looked at the food and blanket that was laid out on the floor ready for them. Gently Derek carried her and placed her down on the fleecy blanket and got with her, immediately drawing her into his arms.

"I just need you to understand that whatever happens I'm going to be here," Derek said and the silence filtering in.

Neither spoke as the minutes ticked passed, neither complained as the silence cloaked them and neither said a word as they just stared up at the sparkling starry sky above them.

Penelope pulled herself out of Derek's arms as time passed by too quickly, "I'm gonna go back to bed," Penelope said as she felt herself falling in love with Derek all over again. However much she wanted this feeling she was scared to take it for it to end the moment she was feeling better. Not only that, she refused to wake up from this dream if this wasn't what it was.

"Pen, don't go in," He said as she stood.

"I'm tired," She feigned and walked into the house, wrapping her cardigan around her tightly.

He couldn't do a thing, but let her go.

Derek exhaled strongly then as his hands went to his head, his chest open to the new breaths and he knew there was only one other person that could help with this situation that was outside of the team. He grabbed his phone from his pocket as he stood up and found a number he had programmed in a while ago and pressed call.

"Hello, Joel Garcia speaking," Came a strong baritone voice.

"Hey, my name's Derek Morgan," Derek said and he heard the breathing change, "I'm calling about Penelope."

"Penny?" Joel gasped, "Is everything okay?"

"Yes and no," Derek started, "Is there any chance you could get to Virginia for her?" Derek asked and didn't wait on the question asking why, "I'm trying my hardest to help her, but I just need some support and I know she got back in contact with you and I just don't know where else to get help from."

"After you broke her?"

"Yeah," Derek said morosely, "After that. I love your sister, and everything that has happened has come to light and Penelope is sinking. I am trying my hardest to make this right, to make her forgive me, but I think she needs her brothers – or at least you."

"What's happened?" Joel asked as he picked up on Derek's tone and he could tell that Derek was remorseful about everything. He knew that he couldn't be angry at Derek for trying to help Penelope. "Why isn't she calling me?"

"Because she's in bed at the moment," Derek stated, "She lost the baby and we found out what really happened that night."

"What did happen?" Derek was asked.

"Her ex date raped her," Derek said and bit his lip, the pain of knowing that the woman he loved had been raped killed him each time. "He admitted it and Penelope's sinking. So please, you can kill me all you want, but for now I want Penelope to be back to her old self. I need the life I threw away back, and at the moment I'm losing at keeping the love of my life afloat. All I ask of you is to help her, not me."

"I always knew you were a good man, Derek," Joel admitted, "She loves you so much. She really just needs you."

"No," Derek denied sadly. He ran a hand over his head as he thought of her laying up there lifeless. "She needs all of us."

"Then I'm on my way," Joel confirmed to him confidently, "I can usually get flights quickly. I will be with you soon. You have my number, text me your address and I'll sort out all of the issues my side."

"Thank you," Derek spoke softly.

"It's nothing, but I think it's best we don't tell her I'm coming," Joel told Derek after a minute or two of silence. "I will text you with details, Derek. Just do what you're doing and I'm sure she's ready to come back to you properly."

"We'll see," Derek said and snapped the phone shut and held it to his lips shakily. He had to believe in the ability that between his mom and Penelope's brother they could revive Penelope and get some sort of natural course back into their life.

For now, he just had to love her.

Derek went to the door as the bell went again. He had no idea who it would be, after all no one he was expecting was going to be there until tomorrow. He didn't know if he was happy or not to see Joel standing there. He recognised him instantly from the old photos Penelope had brought with her from her Californian life. She might not have any recent photos of this man, but the years had done him kind and left him unchanged.

"She actually get up yet?" He asked recognising Derek from the photos Penelope had sent. This might be their first face to face meeting, but Joel felt like he'd know Derek a lifetime already.

Shaking his head, Derek responded. "We can save the proper introductions," Derek said with a small smile, actually pleased to see this man at his door. "She's in the bedroom at the end of the hallway."

"See you in a few then," Joel told him.

Joel put his hand to Derek's shoulder in a sign of comradeship and then dropped his bag and headed up the stairs in a quick and swift motion. He knew he wasn't going to be soft and gentle with Penelope. He knew how to handle her when times got hard and he guessed Derek did too, but right now this time involved him far too much.

"Get up," Joel said pulling no punches as he walked into the room. He took one look at his sister and realised that if there was one thing she needed it wasn't gentle awareness. She needed tough love. "I said get up, Penelope."

Penelope looked at her brother, her eyes so sad and lifeless as they looked at him. "I don't want to get up."

"You're not getting the option," He said sternly as he sat there. "You're doing more damage by moping than you could ever do holding a conversation with the man downstairs."

"I just want to stay here." Penelope mumbled back, but every word her brother had spoken had shook her, especially since Derek was being gentle with her. He treated her like she was going to break, but Joel, he tore in unexpectedly and gave it to her like he knew she needed it.

"Think of what you're doing to all of your friends, all of your family by being like this!" He almost shouted at her. "I never, ever thought you'd allow yourself to get like this. Penelope Garcia isn't some weak person, she thinks of everyone before herself, but right now you're a stranger of that Penelope that I love. No one is going to like you like this, Penelope. So you need to get up and face what's happened head on or be lost forever. You need to realise it happened and you couldn't have stopped it."

It was then that Penelope just broke down in front of her brother and he realised he had pushed her too far. He got on the bed and held her, "Penny, it's going to be okay." He seemed to promise that strongly, "You just need to give this life another chance. Don't waste it by not leaving this bed."

"I'm scared," Penelope admitted mid sob as her brother held her in a hug that she hadn't felt for years. "I don't want to get it all to lose it again."

Derek stood in the hallway, his back to the wall just outside the bedroom door.

He was at a true loss.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	15. Slipping Disguise

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Thanks as always, hope you enjoy =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You're gonna eat today Penelope," Fran told Penelope as she sat down on the other side of the dining room table. She watched Penelope go to disagree, to argue back, "You're eating." Fran watched Penelope remain unspoken, "You hear me, Penelope?"

Penelope nodded her confirmation at Fran and watched as she got up and left the room with a satisfied smirk on her lips. She knew Fran was doing what she did best, much like Derek and Joel were, but that didn't make her feel any better. She knew it should have, but she couldn't feel the support that was being knitted so firmly around her.

Penelope sucked in a deep breath as she was left alone entirely again for the moment and sat there staying at the table top. She was exhausted from just laying awake at night, and she knew she needed to get professional help, but she also knew that that meant she had to face her demons.

For now she wanted nothing to do with facing any of them.

It didn't take long for Derek and Joel to enter the room and lay the table, leaving her sitting there in complete silence. Even as Fran called out that breakfast was cooked and the table was covered in a meal fit for an army, Penelope took food and ate it and allowed the conversation to flow around her. All the while she answered a few questions, but for the majority of time, she just listened.

When breakfast was over, Penelope helped out with cleaning up. She wanted them to believe everything was normal, but she couldn't help but feel that she was living with the motions. She was putting on the front to keep them satisfied.

"C'mon," Derek said as he put his hand out for Penelope to take just as the last plate was put away, "We can watch a film and then decide what to do later."

Penelope accepted his hand and allowed him to take her hand and pull her up to his chest.

"What film, Baby?" He asked her and stole a kiss, even if Penelope was reluctant to take them.

She shrugged in his grasp, "I don't mind."

"I say we just raid your DVD cabinet," Joel said as he headed into the living room, Fran already in there waiting for them. "Seeing as you two own a video store between you."

Going to sit down, the phone rang and Derek shrugged, "Let it ring out, if it's important they'll ring my cell," He said as he pulled Penelope to sit with him.

However when the voicemail finished and the person spoke everyone froze. Penelope especially.

"_Hey, Penelope it's Claudia here. I haven't heard from you like we arranged, but your dress is ready for another fitting. Just ring me to arrange an appointment. It's looking stunning as promised. I cannot wait to see you in_."

Penelope watched her vision blur as silence set in thickly in the room. No one said a word as the machine carried on with the options for them to take and then she bolted from the room.

"I'll go," Derek murmured to his mom and Penelope's brother. He hadn't expected that, and he hadn't even thought about the dress Penelope had already picked out and started to morph into her dream dress. "Baby," Derek said as he watched her drop onto the side of the bed farthest from the door. "You can call her back, you can sort this."

"No Derek," Penelope stopped him and stood up, going from the bed to the dresser and grabbed the book of wedding plans, "This was what was supposed to happen, that voicemail was supposed to be what was happening and this ring," She said as she pulled the top drawer open and held her engagement ring that Kevin had given back to Derek up, "Should never have left my finger!" She threw the ring in the drawer. She had found it when she was looking for what was left of her things in the house, to see how much Derek had thrown out while they were estranged from one another. She was shocked to find that nothing had moved, but the ring was there.

Derek kept his expression schooled. He knew Penelope was volatile right now. He had gone for whatever advice was offered to him to deal with this right now. He would take whatever Penelope was going to deal him with, just so he could guide her towards some form of release and breakthrough. He would take whatever to help her heal properly, and he would take that ring and put it where it needed to go one day in their future.

"You keep saying you'll still be here for when I'm ready; Derek, but we don't know when I'm going to be ready!" Penelope shouted at him and ran her hands through her hair, "Right now, I don't see this getting better. I don't know when I'm going to snap out of this, and I know I should, but at this moment in time I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go out and get fresh air, or sit and eat as a family. I lived knowing that I had torn my world apart from around me for months, Derek. For all of that time, I blamed _me_."

Still Derek remained silent. He knew he could full well argue with her, he could fight back, try and force reality into her mind, but he knew that would only hinder things. If he forced anything upon her with such a fragile mentality he knew he could destroy her entirely, and he didn't want that. He would hold her, and love her until she woke up and smelt the roses at long last.

He would wait an eternity if it took that long for her to wake up and see that there was life after this.

"I let him back in," Penelope froze and looked directly into Derek's eyes as she gathered courage to continue. "If I hadn't have wanted to make right on the past he wouldn't have kept coming back. I should've kept him at arm's length when you told me you didn't trust him. I should've trusted you, Derek, and I did what I wanted and look where it go us." Penelope's lip quivered as Derek stood up, "I just can't stop loving you. Even when you threw me out, and when you said all those things about me, I just couldn't help but love you."

Derek put his hand to her face, still remaining silent the entire time.

"I just kept thinking that you were only being nasty because you still loved him. That there was no other reason for it. You were only mean to me because you still had feelings for me."

"It was exactly for that reason," Derek whispered to her delicately as he finally spoke up. "It was because I loved you and wanted to believe that this was all a stupid dream that I acted out. It was because of that that I lashed out and hurt you so much because I was having trouble believing that you could do that to me. That you would dare go back on the fundamentals of what we had built this relationship on. I couldn't believe that you had destroyed the basis of us because of Lynch."

Penelope bit her lip and then stood back away from Derek as once more the memories whizzed around her head. The dreams and realisations hitting her at capitulating speed. She was rendered helpless and hopeless at just those alone.

"Please don't push me away," Derek pleaded as she stood staring at him intently, looking much like a deer caught in the headlights. He knew he had to give her gentle persuasion or give up entirely for the day.

Penelope looked at him as he pulled her towards the bed. She couldn't help, but feel his gaze penetrate her sadness. She knew deep down he was genuine, that he loved her, that he was truly, truly sorry, but the events that had occurred attacked her completely and held her back.

"I won't," She whispered emotionless to him and just stilled in his embrace. There was no promise to words.

Penelope didn't even dare broach the dreams she was having. The ones that kept her from falling asleep. She just remained in Derek's arm as the cold, dark cloak finally took her over and eclipsed all the hope she had grappled onto and held tightly.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	16. The Moment You Realise

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Right! This is where the rating goes up, just for this chapter, just for now! Beware of the contents! Thanks as always, hope you enjoy =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope walked the house. She took it in, savoured the silence, savoured the warmth she got from it, but the moment it hit her heart it was as though it was frozen. Her heart seemed to just be an ice box that just about allowed her heart to beat. She was completely void of emotions to say the least.

Knowing she had done wrong, Penelope sat down at long last and stared at the wall in the dining room. She sat completely still for the first time since everyone had gone out. Running her hands up and into her hair, Penelope remembered the dreams that had been stealing her sleep and the memory that flashed into her every waking moment. She knew she should have confided in Derek and now she was feeling guilty for not doing so.

Every time she closed her eyes to sleep, even to blink, she saw Kevin towering over her, his breath heavy and slick with the stench of alcohol and every time he said the same thing, _"I'm not Derek."_ Penelope, after near enough months of hell, finally remembered that night or what she could suppose was that night and it was like being delivered torture.

A torture she wanted to escape from.

Bolting from her chair, Penelope sought out the one form of respite she could think of.

Moments later, Penelope looked down at the pills and the bottle of vodka that now sat in front of her on the coffee table in the living room and she tried to find a reason not to do this, but everything was pushing her to take them.

The night that Kevin had raped her played on loop. The moment before she passed out that night still haunted her. The moment she realised that it wasn't Derek she had been with at all in that bed. The moment she realised it was Kevin hanging over her made her take the first handful.

She didn't even flinch at the intrusion of multiple pills.

Then the moment Derek forced her out of the house, making her believe he would hate her for an eternity hit her and she forced herself to take more of the white pills. Then there was the moment she was delivered the news that she had lost her baby and melded into finding out that the baby was Derek's and her tears got heavier as she readied the next load. She forgot about the sickly feeling as the acrid taste of the pills coated her tongue and throat.

She downed more vodka to rid the taste and replace it with another, and with it her yearn to forget about this world forced her over the edge. She went to take more of the pills, but her mind was overcome with light headedness and as the black spots started to dot her vision she realised she was scared to die now it was upon her.

She sat still for a moment, her body swaying, her mind loosening with the influx of drugs in her system. Now she had forced herself over the edge and done one of the most stupidest things possible, she realised that this wasn't what she wanted anymore.

Standing up, she realised she still had Derek, she was back in their house after all and she went to sleep every night with Derek by her side. None of this was a nightmare anymore, Derek was fixing that, he was making this how it should have been all along. Taking the pills was just something she deemed necessary, however it wasn't. The moment they gripped her system her life seemed to flash before her eyes and at first she thought it was the right move, then the recent turn of events told her otherwise.

Everything was going to be okay and she had ignored that one fact.

Losing control, she felt overcome with all of the good times she had had with Derek and as she stumbled she steadied herself on the cabinet by the door and looked at the book that was beneath her hand – her wedding planning book. Derek had promised her it would be true one day, he had given her love and support and because of her nightmares she had blanked him.

Making a quick move to make right of her actions, she felt the darkness slip in and didn't even feel herself make a connection to the floor with a hard impact.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

When Derek came in with Penelope's brother, he couldn't believe how unreal life seemed. Even though Penelope had been closing off, he was sure that they were going for a breakthrough. She seemed to be coming to terms in her own time and he was persistent to stick by her side until she was completely ready to accept this life back.

"Reckon she'll like them?" He doubted as he inspected the huge bunch of flowers in his hand. He had spent too long trying to pick the perfect ones to take home to her and now he was still dithering on whether or not he had chosen right in the end.

"She'll love them," Joel verified to him with a smirk. "They're very her."

Derek smiled proudly as he headed in, but his smile dropped as he saw Penelope's unconscious form on the floor by the couch, the bottle of vodka sitting on the table, the pills scattered across the coffee table. Dropping the flowers, he ran to her, calling her to wake up for him –his panic very much evident.

Pulling her lifeless form up, Derek brought her out into the free space and checked her pulse, "C'mon, Baby," he shakily spoke as he felt it weakly pulsating in her neck. "What have you done?" He whispered as he shakily reached for his phone and then looked up at Joel as he stood frozen to his spot. "I thought she was doing okay. I thought we were going to be okay," Derek began to sob as he rang for an ambulance and ambushed the line with the details before he was even asked. "I didn't think she was going to do anything stupid."

Joel took the phone as Derek began to unravel before his eyes and he could see that Derek wasn't going to survive if they had made it there just too late. He knew he was barely able to keep a grip on this, but Derek had lost so much already that this would just top it all.

Derek continued to try and coerce Penelope out of this. He was hopeful that he was able to do that. He saw her eyes open and he noticed she couldn't even master a lucid look. He tried to keep her with him, but she seemed to be too overtaken by the drugs. She closed her eyes in prolong blinks and looked into Derek's eyes and couldn't stop the tears.

"It's going to be okay," Derek said and he felt defeated by Penelope's head shake. He thought she was giving up entirely, but she wasn't. "It is," He vowed, "I'm gonna bring you home and I am going to force you to get help. I will not lose you."

He reached to wipe the tears, and as his arm lay across her chest he felt how fast her heart was beating in her chest and he could feel how ragged her breathing had become. He knew she was slipping, but he couldn't believe that this was it.

Derek dipped his head as Penelope closed her eyes and didn't open them again.

Now he felt like his was losing everything.

He was losing his love, he was losing his life and at that moment, he was losing his breath.

Derek hadn't even noticed when his mom turned up. He was so consumed in what the EMTs were doing that the world around him may have well not existed at all. Every moment at that one time seemed to merge together. One moment he was with Penelope, at her side, then he was standing watching as the paramedics worked, then they were moving her, and then she was gone.

He wasn't allowed to go with them and he was left behind to face the music without Penelope in sight.

There was only one thing for him to do – break.

Derek openly broke down in his mom's arms as he felt like he had already lost Penelope.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	17. Consuming Grief

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_I'm evil, I know I am! But I promise you no more bad things! =) _

_Thanks for the amazing reviews guys! You lot rock!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek never liked hospitals.

He had hated the smell of them, the feel of them, and he hated the way that death seemed to cling to every wall so prominently. Right now, death seemed to be the most evident out of everything. He couldn't turn off his mind to the thought. He couldn't switch off to assuming the worst had happened for all of them.

"Penelope Garcia?" The doctor that they had seen earlier called out and they all stood silently before circling him.

"Is she okay?" Derek asked quickly, his nerves getting the better of him in that moment.

"I'm sorry," The doctor started, "We tried to pump her stomach and give Miss Garcia the relevant medical attention, but the amount of aspirin in her system was too much. Had she gotten here just a little bit earlier we would maybe have had a chance at saving her. I'm sorry for your lose."

"She can't be dead," Derek muttered as his legs went weak. "She's not."

"I'm sorry Sir," The doctor told him, "We tried everything we could."

Derek felt angry then – not at the doctor, but that Penelope had died in general. "Obviously you didn't try hard enough!"

"Derek," Hotch spoke out, his tone slick with sadness over all of their lost, "They did everything they could, you have to believe that, but Penelope was too far gone for her to be saved."

"She should be alive," Derek muttered, "This is all Kevin Lynch's fault. If he hadn't have stepped foot in this state again we would've been gearing up for our wedding, not a fucking funeral!"

Fran stepped in, her own grief forgotten as she was doused in the pain her son was exhibiting. She stepped in and put her arms around him, ready to just hold him like she had before they had left to get to the hospital hours ago, but he shrugged her off harshly, almost aggressively.

"Leave me alone," Derek spat as everyone tried to comfort one another, most aimed at him. He shook off their attention and left them be in the waiting room with their grief. He didn't need other people; he needed loneliness now he knew that he wouldn't have Penelope.

He had lost her and for that he needed an outlet and a quick one. He needed a way to believe this wasn't real, to have her back, to feel his heart beating in his chest again.

Derek stood on the rooftop of the hospital. He now understood entirely how Penelope had felt with the loss of everything. She had lost him, her home, her life for a little time, and then she had lost their baby and she had gotten lost along the way.

Now he had lost it all. His life, his _sense_ of home, his unborn child and now his true love was gone.

He didn't even need the cognitive thought to tell him what to do.

Everything seemed to happen so fast, but everything seemed to be fitting in perfectly with Derek's current frame of mind.

He just allowed himself to fall.

Jumping awake, Derek took in the hospital and allowed the sterile smell to fill his senses like it already had. He had woken just as he had hit the floor. He then jumped up scared and rushed to the desk, scared to hear that his dream was partially his reality.

"Penelope Garcia," He asked rushed. He hadn't taken notice of his mom or Joel or the team; he hadn't taken notice of anything for that matter.

"Derek," Fran said as she ran a hand up his back and onto his shoulder, "There's no more news just now. You fell asleep for a little bit."

"I need to know," He told her shakily, agitation getting the better of him.

"Come and sit back down," Fran told him, "Then I'll ask again for you."

Nodding slowly, Derek listened and sluggishly, reluctantly, he took himself back to his seat and sat back down next to Joel and Rossi. He remained silent as he waited. The clock on the wall seemed to resonate the sound of each new tick, declaring each time just how slowly the seconds seemed to be going past.

Derek watched his mom intently, waiting to see if her facial expressions gave anything away at all. He sighed as he watched her come back over and he knew there was nothing more to say than the same old story they were giving.

"Nurse could only say that the doctor was still in there," Fran said sadly, "But she's going to go and see if there's any more news for us."

"Fran I think you need to take a seat too," Joel said as he stood up and allowed Fran to take a seat next to her son. Slowly she reached over and took Derek's hand in hers and said a silently prayer for all of their sakes, closing her eyes in the process.

Hotch stood and paced a little, talking to the nurse as she came back to alert them to what was happening. Regretfully, he went over to everyone to tell them that there was no news and proceeded to preach that no news was good news. Even though no one believed it was now they were living it.

The silence took hold and everyone slipped into their own little worlds. Each and everyone consumed.

"Penelope Garcia?" A middle aged man called out hours later and watched everyone stand up and approach him. He met them halfway and gave them a reassuring smile. "She's alive," He started to relieve them of the tension and terror. "You got her here just at the right time, any longer and I'm afraid she wouldn't have made it," he warned them, "She's still unconscious, and we're going to monitor her to see how she is doing."

"But she's going to be fine?" Derek asked warily.

"Physically yes, mentally I can't put a guarantee on," He said sadly, "I'm afraid I can't allow her to leave the hospital until she has had a full psych evaluation and our team of psychiatrists can agree that she is sound of mind and this won't occur again. I'm afraid with cases like this, with circumstances like this behind them; the patient will end up back in the hospital until they are successful."

The silence was ironically deafening as it settled down among them all.

"Can I see her?" Derek asked hopeful, breaking the silence.

The doctor nodded, "Of course," he told him, "Follow me."

Derek looked from his mom to Penelope's brother and then followed.

Derek allowed the doctor to show him the room, and was granted twenty four hour access. He then watched the doctor give him a small smile before leaving him at the doorway, allowing Derek to enter in his own time.

Walking into the room, he took in Penelope's lifeless body. He couldn't help but allow his heart to clench fiercely at seeing just how ill she looked. He couldn't stop the tears from burning him as he watched the state she was in and he wished Kevin could see what his actions had done to not just Penelope's life, but his as well.

Derek couldn't just sit in the seat by the side of the bed. It was too far from Penelope that it might as well have been the other side of the world. He climbed onto the bed and just held her unconscious body and cried. He had kept a lid on his emotions since entering the hospital - his job coming in handy – but now he was done with restraining.

"I need you back so bad, Penelope," He said as he hugged her against his body with one arm. It wasn't a lie; he hadn't truly felt like he had had Penelope back with him since that day in their office when they had discussed their wedding. How personal she wanted it to be, how perfect she had imagined it to be. "Just come back to me."

If there was anything Derek knew he was doing, it was remaining by her side and finally having the courage to force the help upon her.

He never wanted a repeat of this, and all he wanted was to see her smile again.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	18. How To Do This

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_I'm calling ya bluff if you ever think I would kill her and leave Morgan that! As always, thank you for the reviews, alerts and favourites =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

For once Penelope actually felt herself be able to breathe.

She took in a deep breath and felt the soreness in her body from the medical help she was issued with as soon as she arrived at the hospital. Her eyes closed with exhaustion and tears as she remembered what had happened and then she realised she had survived.

Looking down at the hand in hers, she realised that Derek was still here, meaning she hadn't lost him.

Or at least not quite yet.

She settled, revelling in the thought of Derek never leaving her, but after this she wouldn't blame him if he did. This was a mistake, she shouldn't have caved. She should have allowed everything he gave given her help her. She could only sense the catastrophe she had left in this wake of her actions.

"Hey," Derek said as he leant in, his hand still in hers. He had woken to see her staring off as though she was light years away.

Sending her gaze down, "Hey back," Penelope said and felt more like herself than ever. Which was something she hadn't expected to feel at that moment. She finally felt like there was a light waiting for her to get her through this dark patch in her life.

"You know what you did was extremely stupid, Baby," Derek said and couldn't hide the tone of his voice. He was scared, he was angry and he was sad that she felt that that was her only way out. "I can't stop thinking why you did it, P, and it scares me to think that you felt that that was your only option."

Penelope remained wordless at that moment; she had just let him speak. Let him make sense of this.

Derek knew he could get angry, but he also knew that that would wasting precious time that he could have spent making this right. However, seeing her limp and lifeless on the floor he realised that they needed time apart to recuperate and he would issue her with that, but with the promise to still be there waiting for her.

"I can't do this," Derek said heartbrokenly, "I want to, but I pushed you to this point along with Kevin so I need to let you go for you to heal properly. I want to help you, and I love you so much, but maybe a little time apart would help."

Penelope sat up alert at that.

"But you did help me," Penelope whispered fearful as Derek headed for the door. "I just keep feeling him on me," Penelope confessed quietly, "every time I close my eyes it's him on me and I don't want to remember." Bringing her knees up to her chest she hugged them protectively as though the thought was driving her crazy. "He's all I see and I'm just constantly reminded of how I lost everything because of him."

"You didn't lose everything, you got it all back," Derek told her as he still held his distant from her. "It's all yours."

"But that night isn't," Penelope said to Derek brokenly. "I can't hide from that night and just that mere thought eclipses everything." She looked at him and she saw he was fighting with himself right at that moment. "If there's one thing I remember before I passed out from the overdose, it's that I had done a massive mistake."

Derek looked confused at that statement.

"You had given me my life back, had loved me all over again, made up for throwing me out and I was selfish with my actions. For that I will forever be sorry, Derek. I didn't think of you. I let Kevin win, but you're still here," Penelope looked up with crying eyes again. "I'm weak and that's not what you want. I'm not the person you want anymore. You know it's the truth. You're so strong and I've just proved that I'm not. All along I proved I wasn't the strong person you believed I was." Penelope looked away again, feeling ashamed at how easily she had tried to take her life. Derek had always told her how he never admired weak people, people who gave up and she was one of them. "I gave up."

Derek swooped in, "No you didn't," He told her strongly, "You didn't give up because you said you realised before you passed out that you had made a mistake. You are strong because if you weren't, downing those pills would have been the best decision of your life, Baby." He cupped her face in his large hands and made her look up at him, "I don't care about what you did, Penelope. All I care is that I still have you here with me. Don't you understand that?"

He noticed she didn't, that she was lost in the situation for the moment.

"I never, ever want to lose you because I love you too God damn much to do that anymore. I made a mistake that morning by believing Kevin. I made that mistake and I refuse to sit around and make any others where you are concerned. I love you, and I will marry you and I will have that family with you."

"I still lost your baby," Penelope croaked, still showing how that one element cut her up the most out of anything.

"Maybe it was just a sign that having a child at that moment wasn't our time," Derek soothed her, wiping her tears away, "Do you know one thing I know?"

"What?" Penelope whispered at him.

"Whatever children we have in the future will be loved so much because they'll be even more of a blessing than they already are. We will love and cherish them all the more because of all of this." He watched Penelope's eyes flicker with acknowledgement to that and he gave her a little smile, one which she returned. "You just need to tell me what it is you need for the moment."

"Don't let me do this on my own," Was Penelope's woeful reply as her eyes connected with him. "I won't survive on my own an-and I know you won't believe me, but I do need you and I was blind to that and I was stupid to not see until it was almost too late that you do love me, and you do want me."

Derek wiped a tear away with the pad of his thumb as he listened to her ramble out what was plaguing her mind.

"I was so stupid, Derek, but I can't cope in this life without you. You're too far in my system for that and a life without you by my side scares me too much. I don't want to lose you."

"It's a good thing I'm not going anywhere then," Derek vowed and took in her tired, emotional eyes and just gently pushed her down against the mattress before climbing on and taking her in his eyes, "You need your rest, Baby."

Penelope nodded and just settled down, her head to Derek's chest – a form of intimacy she had been scared to allow herself to feel since getting him back.

Derek knew that there was still a lot of time to heal in all of this, but he had to believe that this was a breakthrough for them. Especially as for once, he felt like Penelope was relaxed around his presence, that she wanted to be here, that she believed this was hers for the taking. He had to enjoy the fact that his life, as screwed up as it might have seemed to anyone else, finally had some semblance that he had spent the last few months searching for.

And at that the end of the day it had always been with one person and one person only – Penelope.

"Promise me one thing, Baby," Derek said as he held her tightly, her head to his chest.

"What's that?" Penelope asked as her body welcomed the sleep.

Derek kissed her forehead, "Me and you – we deal with this together."

"I don't want it any other way," Penelope murmured in her sleep to him.

"Good," Derek responded, "We're going to be okay, Baby, you'll see that in no time."

Penelope smiled at that and relaxed completely. It was the first time she saw the prospect of a happy future and not a lonely one. For once losing the baby or being raped by Kevin shadowed what Derek was offering her, what he had always offered. "I see it now."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	19. Being A Family

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_ There is a light after all ;) Thanks as always guys!_

_Right, I'm going away tomorrow, so I won't be updating until Monday at the earliest I'm afraid! At least you've got a HEA here and not some God awful cliff hanger ;) I promise to be back ASAP for now enjoy! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

For once in her life, Penelope was nervous to face everyone. She was scared to see their judgemental faces, to see how they hated her choice of actions. She refused to see the looks of pity because she knew if she saw them, then she really would be finished.

She tried a soothing breath, and felt herself relax a little, but she was still feeling pretty weak and pathetic after her attempt to kill herself. However, she couldn't withhold the feeling of liberation that was clinging so forcefully to her. Ever since Kevin she was surrounded with such darkness and aching that she never thought she would ever feel peace again.

Today, however, she felt peace and, for the first time, she realised that she didn't have a familiar ache in her heart at knowing she had lost Derek. She knew she had so many demons to fight, but she now fully that she had Derek's love back entirely that she could fight them and get over this moment in her time.

Then, when she was satisfied with her own state of mind and strength, she was going to face Kevin.

"You're gonna do fine, Baby," Derek told her calmly as he sat next to her and he took her hand in his. "I promise."

It might have been a few hours since she had woken up, but she couldn't fault Derek with his support and his love. In that time she realised that there was no room for forgiveness now it was already given and she could imagine her future with him all over again. She didn't look at tomorrow and hate the idea of going to sleep; she looked at tomorrow as another day as being the woman Derek loved with his entire heart.

For that, she couldn't dispute that what he told her was anything but the truth.

Penelope nodded and offered him a smile, but her head shot around to look at the door as a knock came. She didn't know if to smile or cry as Hotch came in, offering her a warm smile followed by the rest of the team.

"How you feeling, Kitten?" Rossi asked concerned.

Finally allowing a small meek smile to grace her lips Penelope answered. "I've felt better." She took in their expressions as all eyes were on her and she needed to kill the silence before it killed her first. "I wanted to say sorry," Penelope told them and wrung her hands together. "It was selfish what I did, and after everything we've gone through as a team I didn't stop to think of any of you. Nor did I consider the consequences of my actions." She took in their expressions once more and felt herself breaking, "Just realise that I did what I did because I felt that was my only route, that everyone, including Derek, was better off without me, but I just made matters worse. Please forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive," Emily said as she stood at the foot of the bed, Reid to her left, Hotch to her right, JJ and Rossi on Hotch's side, while Fran and Joel stood round by the side of the bed, and Derek sat in the chair by her bed.

Everyone looked at her shocked, wondering why she wasn't giving Penelope forgiveness.

Penelope felt her heart beginning to break at that. She couldn't lose anyone else from her life.

"The one person who should grovel for forgiveness is sitting in a jail cell. Penelope we should've looked closer at what had happened, we shouldn't have left you to suffer for as long as you did. We're the ones that need to ask you for forgiveness."

Penelope sniffed back the tears, "I thought this might have burnt bridges," She then dissolved into loose sobs. She was exhausted and she thought she had an easier hold on her emotions, but the result of yesterday's stupidity was paying her a visit. "I'm sorry."

Everyone looked to Derek helplessly, Joel readying to take his sister in his arms, but Derek just swiftly stood and captured Penelope in his arms and held her, rocking her, offering her strength.

It was as Derek held her that he realised that all the time he had been gentle with Penelope, that wasn't what she needed. What she needed was someone to give her the strength and courage that she was begging to get back. She needed someone to be her independence for a little while at least. He knew he wasn't going to let her slip now that she had quite literally seen the light and had decided that she didn't want to leave this life after all.

Both he and Penelope were offered a clean slate. A second chance. Derek was one hundred percent certain that they were both going to take it with both hands and live it to the fullest.

JJ slipped onto the end of the bed and put her hand on Penelope's foot, trying to get attention and she offered her a reassuring smile, "We're here to make sure you get over this, Pen. You're not going to be alone to do this anymore."

Penelope smiled appreciatively, but she couldn't withhold the tears anymore. She had her family, like she always had, and for once she didn't feel alone. She didn't feel like she was battling away at life by herself and she felt like forgiveness was well and truly hers to take even though she wasn't looking for absolution of all senses. She had originally prepared herself to look for signs that everyone had given up on her. She would accept that choice of theirs if that was what they needed to do. Yet everyone stood around, offering her, her little family back.

Taking his seat, Joel sat down on the other side of the bed next to Penelope and put his hand on her as well, "You should've just asked us for help, Pen." He gained eye contact with his sister at that, and he could see for once that sadness wasn't dominating her eyes. "You never should've done any of this alone."

"It was my problem," Penelope admitted somewhat sadly, "I just felt like it was my fault so if I took myself out of everyone's life, then no one would have to worry about it."

"Or about you," Hotch pointed out and Penelope nodded her affirmative to that comment. "You do realise that it's not like that at all don't you?"

"Now I do," Penelope told them in an almost mournful whisper, "After I thought it was too late." She sat up a little and looked at Derek for guidance, "What happens now? With me?"

"The doctor needs you to be referred to the psych unit," He saw her face ignite with fear at that prospect, "I'm sorry, Baby, but until they're satisfied that you're mentally fit, you're not going to be released." She dropped her head a little at that, but Derek raised it back up gently. "I can tell you're better already, P. It won't be long before you're back home with me."

"I want to be home now," She told him, but she knew this was all to make her better, to finally get her the help she needed.

"You'll be home in no time," Emily vowed and offered her a smile.

Penelope gulped; she was scared at the type of treatment she was going to receive as a result of the overdose. She didn't want to be pumped full of drugs or analysed until she was just a shell of a person. She knew what she needed at long last and she hoped that that was going to be her key to getting out of this place.

"Until then though," Reid jumped in, "We have nowhere else we'd rather be."

Penelope watched as they all took their seats, Derek stealing the space next to her. He lay with her this time, got as comfortable as her and lavished feeling her in his arms as though it was any given night in front of the television.

She knew she had a battle left, but right at that moment, she was going to enjoy having a part of normal life back around her.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	20. Getting That Breakthrough

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_I've run out of updates now! So sporadic updates until I get ahead of myself! Enjoy this for now, and thanks for all of the reviews as always!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope lay on her side, looking out of the window of her hospital room. She was no longer being treated for the physical consequence of her suicide attempt, but more the psychological part. She was living among people that really needed the hospitals care, those that were an absolute harm to themselves and everyone around them. One's who had no immediate hope. However, Penelope had never felt more alive in her life since her world turned upside down, but she still had to get the psychiatrists to believe her.

She knew depression wasn't something you just woke up one day and all was gone, but she no longer thought of ways to end her life; she no longer thrived to get a release of any sort from the negatives. She just wanted to go back home to Derek and start again. She wanted her life to get back on track.

"_Do you still feel dirty?" She was asked and her head snapped up to look at her psychiatrist, Chloe. _

"_Not anymore," Penelope admitted, "I did, but after Kevin admitted what he had done that feeling seemed to not be so evident. I knew it wasn't my thought entirely."_

"_Entirely?" Chloe pushed. _

"_I let him in, didn't I? I allowed him to get to that point. I trusted him." Penelope admitted and looked at this woman that had become a major comfort, "He knew how much I loved Derek and he still did it."_

"_I think that was his motive to doing this, Penelope. You've mentioned twice before that he was always aware at just how much you loved Derek. It's most likely Kevin felt inferior to Derek's reign over you; he knew he could lose you to Derek at any given moment and in the end he did. Kevin had to weaken you to make you lose your view that you hold of Derek. He compromised your logic and your control and used that to solve his problems."_

_Chloe continued to analyse Penelope the entire way through her miniature speech. She was quite positive that Penelope was almost ready to leave the hospital and continue this recovery at home, but she had to push Penelope with the truths and the rawest parts of this depression._

"_You maintained that it was Derek there with you that night," Chloe told Penelope, "Even when you were drugged, Kevin still didn't have your sole attention. That threatened him even then. He might have raped you that night, but he never won truly. It was Derek you thought was there, and it was Derek's baby you were carrying and it's Derek that has been picking up the pieces ever since getting you back. Kevin still lost."_

"_I guess," Penelope said as the events had an entirely different twist on them. Penelope looked at the case more logically, Chloe was right. She did call for Derek, not Kevin, and it was Derek's baby she lost and it was Derek that was with her daily, holding her, kissing her, loving her. _

_No one else, but Derek_

"_The miscarriage, Penelope," Chloe probed Penelope at long last knowing that that was the one thing that mainly contributed to Penelope's demise, "Have you come to realise that that was a result of the immense stress that was on your body at that time? Pregnancies demand relaxation and nurturing. How chaotic your life was at the time only accumulated stress and it weighed too heavily on your body. Do you realise that it wasn't your fault?"_

"_Everything happens for a reason. I can't stop the guilt I feel, but everything does happen for a reason," Penelope finalised to that and she smiled. "I never thought I'd say that again, but losing that baby got me and Derek back together. As bad as it sounds had I still been pregnant I would've given up on ever telling Kevin ad I would've have been in California. I wouldn't have known the truth until after the baby was born and I know it would have been more difficult to tell Derek the truth if that had happened. I would've truly lost him. I won't ever forget this, but I know there's a bright future."_

_Chloe looked satisfied and began to broach her new test of Penelope's mentality. "Did you know that Derek had sought psychiatry help earlier this week?" Chloe asked Penelope, she had seen Penelope come on leaps and bounds and now was the real test. She needed to know if Penelope was able to cope knowing that Derek was as near breaking point as she was. _

_Penelope's eyes snapped up to look at the woman sat opposite her. She quickly shook her head, and quickly assumed that Derek would have told her the multiple times he had been there with her at the hospital._

"_That man carries so much blame over the entire events around this that he wanted to be able to cope with looking after you." She watched Penelope wipe the tears away, "Do you want to know what his sole objective is in his case?"_

"_What?" Penelope asked back simply, her voice wrecked with tears. _

"_To see you happy again," Chloe leant in towards Penelope, "That man would give anything to take back everything that happens."_

"_I know," Penelope admitted and looked up and smiled, "I know I can never get back the time we lost, but I can make good on it. I have never felt closer to Derek than since this happened. I didn't think it was possible to feel that, but when I look at him I love him more._

"_I loved him and I nearly lost him, but I got him back and I will forever cherish him and whatever family we have together. I can't get that baby back, but like Derek said, whatever children we have they will be more than loved. They will be so precious because of this. I just want to go home now and start to move on. I want to start moving on from Kevin, from that night, from losing Derek's baby, from stupid taking those pills. I want to take my life back and live it."_

_Chloe watched Penelope's body language and jotted down a few notes for their records._

"_I don't want to watch it pass me by anymore," Penelope finally admitted and finally felt like all the weights that were just remaining had finally left her body._

_Smiling, Chloe paused her pen at the end of that word for a moment. "I think that's all for today, Penelope," Chloe concluded with a small smile. Nothing mentioned about going home, nothing more about Derek. Just a conclusion to that session._

Ever since that midday session Penelope hadn't moved. She had been so consumed with thought that she lost track of thought. Derek was in counselling and part of it was down to her. Her absentmindedness to life had driven him towards losing control.

She had to smile though. He did it for her; he wanted to be able to make her happy. The thing he had obviously not taken note of was that she was happy. After months of struggling, she was finally able to admit she was happy. She knew that the lingering feelings from the miscarriage would remain but she wasn't afraid to live. She wasn't so enclosed by darkness and she had Derek to thank for that.

Derek walked into the room and saw Penelope laying on her side, her hands hugging the pillow and he walked the rest of the distance, kicked his boots off and then climbed onto the bed and held her immediately.

"How you doing?"

"Mm," Penelope stretched as she turned around in his arms to look at him, "Better, I guess. It just gets lonely in here."

"You've got me now," He told her and pushed some hair back out of her face, "You tired?"

"Totally drowned, Hot Stuff," She mumbled at him, "But I'm so happy you're finally here. I just needed your arms around me after that session."

"Breakthrough happen?" Derek asked her hopeful.

"Massively," She said and opened her eyes and looked up at him. "You do not know how grateful I am that you saved me, Derek. You've made me love you more. I'm just looking forward to fixing us completely now, Derek."

"Good, me too, Princess," He told her and leant in for a kiss. "Want some good news?"

Penelope nodded at him.

Derek smirked; he knew more than she did at that moment. On his way in he had been called over by Penelope's doctor and lead psychiatrist and he was updated on her recovery. He was told about the breakthrough they had seen since her first session and her most recent. They were fully confident that she was more than ready to leave. The talk had ended with him being asked if he was ready to take her home, which he wasted no time to hesitate and he was given her discharge papers there and then.

"I just signed your discharge papers," Derek whispered into her ear and kissed just behind it, "I'm taking you home at long last."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	21. Long Awaited

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_I know updates have been scatty, but I will try and give you some more regular updates! _

_For now, enjoy this chapter and know I am grateful for the continual support =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"How you doing, PG?" Emily asked as she sat down one side of Penelope, JJ dropping down to her other side.

Smiling lightly, Penelope didn't look at either of them, "Better than before." She admitted softly to them.

"We thought you might like the company," JJ said as she rested her head on Penelope's shoulder, getting comfortable.

"That and our favourite pastime is sat in front of the TV," Emily added on joking and when Penelope only let out a little grunt of a laugh she knew she wouldn't pressure Penelope to speak if she didn't want to. She wouldn't harass her or hound her to talk. She respected Penelope's mental state and she knew Penelope would break out the words when she was ready to do so.

JJ seemed to do the same as they sat in relative silence, Derek in the kitchen with the other men.

Both women reached and took Penelope's hands in theirs and just sat in easy silence and watched the television together. Something hadn't happened for what may have been years.

Penelope looked down as they both took her hands in theirs and held them as they just sat with her.

She knew they deserved some home truths, some truths she felt she owed them. She needed to know that her actions weren't a reaction of them not doing something right. No one drove her to the point she had reached apart from Kevin.

"Never think it was your fault that I did what I did," Penelope told them quietly and looked from one to the other as JJ lifted her head up. "You have been nothing but supportive since all of this came to light, and I couldn't ask for better best friends to be by my side. I just got lost and I couldn't cope so I chose a weak way to forget." Penelope sniffled on the oncoming tears, "I wished it had turned out differently."

"All that matters is the here and now," JJ said, but she couldn't hide the droplets of sadness from infiltrating her tone. She had been so scared when she had heard what Penelope had done. She had sat and watched Penelope fall into her own demise and then this happened. She had felt like she had lost her ability to be a good friend. "We can only get better from here."

Penelope nodded.

"Derek told us you thought it was a mistake the moment you passed out," Emily confided in Penelope. "You're not weak, Penelope. I would never peg that term with you. You were just conflicted by what Kevin did to you, what happened with Derek and then losing that baby. We didn't expect you to be okay after all that. Just understand that we feel like we let you down that you had to reach that point."

"Call a truce?" Penelope asked as she saw both her favourite girls conflicted by all of these actions from the past couple of months. She watched both nod and smiled, "We make a better future..."

"Count it done," JJ said and hugged Penelope, "But you dare ever scare me like that and you won't hear the end of it."

"I promise you right now, Jayje, I will not be doing that again," Penelope said almost in a relieved tone.

Settling down, they watched the TV once more, the air around them even cleaner than it had been.

"Reid basically exploded at work," Emily commented suddenly as Reid went to walk through to the downstairs bathroom. His presence reminding her of the day's events.

Penelope looked at Emily confused then and then at Reid as JJ burst into a little laugh.

"What?" He asked innocently, "I was trying to make my physics magic better." He shrugged off and carried on walking passed.

"So much so it exploded into his face," Emily joked amused, "Covered him in white foam." She then shifted to get her phone out of her pocket. "Look," She said as she put the phone in front of Penelope's face showing her the evidence.

Penelope laughed then. It felt so easy and free. It felt just right.

Hearing the sound of laughter, Derek left Hotch and Rossi and went into the living room and once again he saw Penelope laughing. She had done that a couple of times in the space of two days. Ever since getting her out of the hospital there seemed a new air around her and right now, he could believe that the past was really the past.

"Do I dare ask what's going on in here?" Rossi asked as he followed in Derek's footsteps and came into the room seeing all three ladies laughing. Penelope's laughter hitting him the most – it was almost foreign after so long.

"Reid," JJ said in amongst her laughter and Rossi picked up and chuckled again to himself. Hotch quickly grappling on to what they were laughing about.

"Have I missed the point here or something?" Derek asked warily at what he was going to be shown.

Penelope grabbed Emily's phone and handed it to him, trying to calm down and the moment Derek saw he burst into hysterics again. He knew that image would ever leave his mind.

"Hey kid," Derek said as Reid came into the room, his voice calm. "You got a little white stuff here," He said and stroked down his own face to show Reid. He watched Reid started to wipe his face violently.

"Son of a-" He started but stopped when he heard Derek laughing him. "Remember the last time you pulled a prank on me?" He asked and Derek nodded, still chuckling away. "I'll make sure you never forget my scream."

"Trust me Kid," Derek said as he finally calmed completely, "I still have forgotten it from the first time. I'm scared to put my headphones on nowadays."

"Good," Reid said satisfied and looked at Penelope, "Glad I could make you laugh. It's good for you."

"Oh Boy Wonder, that was just what I needed, believe me," She said as she wiped the tear that was forming in the corner of her eye. She couldn't lie, having the ability to laugh back gave her a lot of clarity and have her a lot of her optimism back.

"By the way," Emily said as she reached down into the bag she had dropped prior to sitting down, "We brought your favourites." She finished as she dumped the large bag of strawberry twizzlers.

Penelope melted into a small smile. She hadn't had these in months. Not since her last movie night with Derek before hell broke loose anyway. They had always been a permanent fixture to their evenings and every time she had looked at a bag during hers and Derek's estrangement she had felt her heart clench fiercely and the heart break intensified.

"Open 'erm up, Baby Girl. I haven't had one of these for months." Derek instructed and saw a twist of tease ignite across Penelope's face. His smile began even before Penelope had spoken a word.

"That's like one of your welcomes after a long case," Penelope teased, "Like music to my ears, Sugar." She then winked at Derek.

"We're in the room!" JJ exclaimed loudly and quickly trying to remove the comments from her brain.

Rossi crossed his arms over his chest, "It's true old habits die hard."

"You'd know," Hotch commented jokingly getting a knowing look from Rossi.

"C'mon, it was only a matter of time before this started again," Emily added on confidently. "It's been long awaited!"

"She's right, you have all be complaining that life at work got boring. Now I think it's safe to say it won't be now," Hotch replied truthfully. He was just happy to see the old Penelope sparking back to life at long last.

"And I vow it stays that way," Penelope said as she finally opened the packet and threw a sweet a Derek and the offered them around.

"Right, so what's the plan?" Hotch asked as he checked his watch, "I've got to go pick Jack up and come back."

"And Will's heading over with Henry in about half hour," JJ added on as she realised the time.

Penelope took a twizzler and then stood up, "I think it's time we ordered something for dinner." She then walked into the kitchen, going straight for the drawer with all the menus in, but Derek stopped her, spinning her around to face him.

"I need to ask you something," Derek said as he and Penelope stood in the kitchen, the team in the living room still. He pulled her close to his body, their bodies nearly touching.

Penelope looked at him, her eyes matching his and took a bite from the strawberry sweet. "Go for it, Handsome."

Taking a deep breath, Derek persisted. "Think you're ready for this?" Derek asked cautiously as he held the ring up between them. "I mean, it's up to you. If you're not I'll put it away until you are."

Penelope smiled at him coyly and put her finger to his lips to stop his ramble, "I'm ready for my forever now, Handsome." She told him truthfully, reaching up to kiss him, the twizzler dropping to the floor. She allowed him to slide the ring down her finger as they kissed and she smiled as she pulled away. "I'm ready for my happily ever after with you."

"Again," Derek teased her lightly and saw her smile at that comment. "This time we're gonna get this entirely right, Baby Girl."

"No looking back this time," Penelope whispered as the light took over and eclipsed all darkness. She wouldn't let any of her past demons into her life ever again.

Penelope had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	22. Practising Perfect

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_We are now entering the happily ever after stage, I can promise you now there will be no more twists of horror and no more utter depression =) We've got a little progression going on too so I hope you like!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You sure it's okay here?" Penelope asked as she backed away slowly from the white cover now hanging on the door. She trod slowly, scare it might drop to floor and crumple into tatters.

"It's not gonna fall down, Garcie," JJ commented amused as she had watched Penelope's behaviour ever since leaving the shop only half an hour earlier.

Penelope spun around now aware of her behaviour, "I'm just being careful. That dress cost a fortune and is _per_fect and I can't afford for the hanger to break, or the floor to attack it. I can't even afford for one of the beads to fall off. It's like my worst nightmare coming true."

"I think you need to just calm down. That dress is safe here; I will guard it with my life, PG!" Emily soothed Penelope a little and led her away from the bedroom door the dress was now hanging on. "It's safe from damage and from Derek Morgan's eyes."

Penelope nodded and looked directly at Reid, her gaze narrowing quickly. "No ratting out to Derek about this," Penelope said as she turned to face Reid, "I mean it, Genius. I will damage your paper trail if Derek hears any detail about this."

"Never!" Reid replied quickly, his eyes wide at his threatened future. "Plus, research into superstition shows tha-"

"I don't care about superstition, Sweetie. I just want it to be a surprise for him," Penelope replied dreamily as she thought about the day that was looming ever closer. She was settled back with life, with Derek. She did however have her bad days when she remembered the utter loss of that time of life and she knew it was a feeling she'd never forget. She remembered losing the baby, and consequently feeling lost with everything, but now she had her past to thank for her future.

It was bigger and brighter than ever and with Derek around she couldn't stay sad for too long.

He would kiss her sorrows away perfectly.

"Why are you here anyway?" JJ asked suspiciously, trying to work out why Reid was needed.

Emily smirked, "He's here with me," She said, letting them gather what they wanted from that. "Plus we always need a man's eye."

"For what?" JJ asked as her and Penelope moved closer together, folding their arms over their chest and issued her with a questioning look, "We do just fine with our own eyes."

"I think we did amazingly months ago when we started fixing my wedding dress together," Penelope added and tilted her head, "Is there something we should know?"

"Only that he brought champagne with him," Emily exclaimed excitedly as she rushed to the fridge escaping the looks and the push to answer their beady gaze. She quickly grabbed the glasses, filled each to the brim and brought them over in pairs. She was kind of hoping this would change the subject for a moment at least.

"What's this for?" Penelope asked confused as she took the glass of champagne and switched looks with an equally confused JJ. She knew if she asked if two of her best friends were dating she would be met with brick wall, so she decided to lay off the questions and wait for Emily and Reid to tell her.

"Kind of a celebration," Emily shrugged and picked her own one up. "I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to see you finally happy again." She saw Penelope's eyes begin to pool with tears immediately and she felt herself go the same. "It scared me to think you could never be entirely happy again, and we're all guilty of watching you and Derek fall further and further apart and you both became aliens of who you're meant to be. I'm just so glad that the marriage of the century is back on, PG! That's all!"

Penelope put her glass down onto the counter, "Gimme a hug!" She said and took Emily in her arms. JJ grabbing Emily's glass avoiding any potential spillages. Pulling back she looked at her friend sincerely, "It wasn't your responsibility to keep me and Derek together. It wasn't even your place to meddle, but we're where meant to be an-and me and Derek," She paused as a smile graced her lips, "We're closer than ever. It took losing it all to realise that I have only ever met one man that I could imagine waking up to every morning. I don't intend to let anything take that from me." She then pointed to the bedroom door of Emily's apartment and smirked, "You've seen the dress. That's the proof right there."

"Oh believe me, I cannot wait until you put that dress back on," Emily replied excitedly. "Actually, I can. What I can't wait for is Derek's face when he see's you in _that_ dress."

Penelope grinned at that, "Believe me, that man waiting for me isn't going to know what hit him when he sees me walking down that alter."

"I plan to make sure there's photos of it," JJ jumped in jokingly. "That's a moment we all need to witness."

"Morgan's good at hiding his emotions," Reid pointed out.

Penelope shook her head, "My man doesn't do hiding emotions any longer." It was the truth, he couldn't crush his emotions down and compartmentalise them anymore and he had told he didn't care. It meant that he dealt with them head on instead of leaving them to gather and attack later.

"Speaking of your man isn't it time you got home?" Emily asked as she glanced up at the clock, "You got your dress here in one piece which was the plan all along."

"Well a raven haired beauty stole some time by giving up champagne," Penelope teased, "Not that I'm complaining of course. Free champagne never goes a miss!" She grabbed her bag and quickly found her phone, glancing at it she looked back up, "Nine missed calls. I think that's my prompt to go home." She looked as JJ checked hers. "Seems our men want us home."

"Yeah, apparently Henry won't do a thing unless it's me telling him to do it," JJ said smirking, "Definitely a mamma's boy."

"I definitely think that's our cue to leave then," Penelope joked and went over and gave Reid a quick hug, warning him again the dress. She dotted a kiss to his lips and turned back to Emily.

"I'll see you out," Emily commented as JJ did the same and they gathered their things together.

"So is my sweet pea your date for the wedding?" Penelope asked as the three women walked to the front door together. She wasn't the only one to pick up that Reid wasn't in a hurry to go home; JJ had obviously been thinking the same thing.

"Doesn't Henry need you home? And Derek hasn't seen you since this morning, has he?" Emily asked as she ushered them out with a devilish grin. She was evading the subject for just a little while longer.

"C'mon!" Both JJ and Penelope tried for added details, but it seemed to be futile.

"Go, now," Emily chided playfully. "You've both got men waiting at home for you." She saw them stand there and give her a look as she edged the door closer and closer to being fully shut. "My man's home," Emily told them teasingly as she closed the door entirely then.

Penelope and JJ looked at one another and giggled as they went down the corridor to the lift.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I was wondering," Penelope said as she back to the counter top in hers and Derek's kitchen, standing with him while he prepared dinner, "Did you ever cancel any of our plans? For the wedding that is," She asked, she knew it had been three months since her leaving the hospital for the last time, but she had always wondered.

Derek placed the knife down and looked at her entirely, "I tried. Several times," He shared, "But it wasn't easy and I just kept putting it off. Something told me it wasn't going to help matters, especially me, so I just seemed to find reasons to ignore it."

"Which is why we still have our original date set?" Penelope asked and Derek replied with a simple nod and a smile. "You know that would have killed me if we had cancelled, even postponed, and we would have reached that day with no wedding."

"I know, Baby. It would've killed me too," Derek replied, but he had no doubt about the looming date. "I'll tell you something I do know," Derek started, "This is gospel truth as well."

Penelope raised an eyebrow as she questioned what he was about to say, "What's that then, man of mine?"

"We're getting married in two weeks, Baby," Derek said as he ran his hands over Penelope's hips and down to rest on her butt. Now he was going to show Penelope he had no doubt. That their reunion was going to be signified by that date all the more. "You're going to be Mrs. Derek Morgan."

Shaking her head, Penelope smirked, "Mrs. Penelope Morgan sounds betters."

"Mmm, really does," Derek pulled her closer, "If there's one thing I want you to take from what happened it was that without you I am nothing. I thought I knew who I was, but then I met you and everything seemed to make more sense, and then you trusted me with your heart and everything seemed so right. I'm finally someone and that's because I have you. Penelope, you make me the person I always wanted to be."

Penelope felt a tear fall from her lashes and trickle down her cheek; she smiled bravely, her heart beating harder, "You do realise I just fell even more in love with you right?"

"That's good then," Derek replied simply as he reached up to wipe away the tear. "Means I'm harder to forget."

"I could never forget you," Penelope responded in a low whisper. "Thank you for saving me all that time ago. Thank you for coming back to me and never leaving me again." She told him and then smiled, the sadness not mark her eyes at all at that point.

"I think it's me that needs to thank you for never leaving me," Derek whispered to her and smiled. "Look at us," He began and smirked, "Both emotional messes."

"You started it," Penelope teased lightly. "Best make it up to me, Handsome."

Derek leaned into her then, "How do you suppose I do that then, Gorgeous?"

Pinching her lips together, she thought for a moment before allowing her face to light up into a massive smile. "How about you treat me to a practice run of what our honeymoon's going to be like?" Penelope asked as she ran her hand up his chest. She progressed to slip her hand up his neck to rest on his cheek and she smiled, "I have a feeling it's going to be _explosively_ _apocalyptic_."

Nodding in agreement, Derek didn't have to think for long. "I'll show you how it starts," Derek said quietly, his voice dipping into its seductive tones. He leaned in, his hands coming up to cup her face as he kissed her tentatively before allowing the passion to escape bit by bit. "Then it's going to move to the bedroom."

Dinner forgotten, Derek took Penelope's hand and took her to their bedroom.

This night was solely theirs to take.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	23. Waiting On That Moment

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_ So I left you without an update again! I'm sorry guys, really I am, but between life taking over and my muse disappearing it's been hard writing! =( However, I hope you enjoy this and know how appreciative =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Sorry, Stud," Penelope slurred as the man ran his hand up her thigh. She pushed his hand off and smirked. "Thanks for the drink, but I'm taken." She put her left hand up and then walked away, leaving her hand to be seen last.

"You are actually devilish," JJ said as she had watched Penelope get a drink off a stranger and leave him at the bar as alone as before.

Penelope smirked, giving her best devil grin, "Only for a good cause." She picked up her cocktail and put the straw to her lips, her eyes tracing the bar of all the men that had their eye on the table. She pulled back and leaned in towards JJ, "You know," She started before taking another look, "None of these men measure up to my Derek."

JJ giggled at that, "That's called having a biased view, Garcie. They all want you now they can't have you."

"I've never noticed it before," Penelope replied soberly.

"Oh I've noticed before," Emily said as she plonked herself into the chair on Penelope's other side. Their backs all to the wall as they sat looking like women on the prowl when really they were only out to get free drinks and celebrate properly. "I think you've had enough freebies, PG," Emily commented and a crown on Penelope's head with a veil joint on the bag. "Now the party's read to kick start."

"Thank you for always being here, girlies!" Penelope hiccupped all of a sudden and looked from woman to woman emotionally. "I wouldn't have made it through everything that happened had you left me as well."

"Aw Pen!" Emily and JJ both said in unison and squashed Penelope into a hug.

"Never doubt we would've done anything other than that," JJ commented as she separated herself from the hug, "Plus, we have the wedding of the century happening next week!"

"I've heard that before," Penelope chirped and grabbed her drink, "To happily ever afters."

"To happily ever afters!" They all chimed and then broke into laughter.

Emily downed her drink in one and jumped up from her seat, "I think we need a game." She looked down at the Penelope and JJ and put her hands out to them. "C'mon you two! It's party time before you're a fully taken woman."

Giving her friend a warning look, Penelope stood up. "Reminder Miss Prentiss," She started and leaned in, a little uneasy on her feet, "I will never be a taken woman. Just Derek Morgan's."

"Is there a different?" Emily asked questioning.

"A big difference!" Penelope alerted Emily with a quick smirk. "Now I think we need one last round to see who can get a free drink the quickest before we move on."

"Guys alert!" Derek's sister Desiree shouted, stopping their fun and games for a moment.

The moment Derek clocked Penelope standing before him he went straight to her, pulling her out of the crowd and to him. She still looked as random as she did before she had left their house, but now she had that alcohol fuelled glance in her eyes and a tiara with a veil on it on her head.

"I met a guy, Handsome," Penelope began as she slid her hand up Derek's chest. "Six foot _fifty_," She saw him begin to chuckle under his breath,"I swear, Handsome, honest! He had a cute smile too, bought me a drink, all with a wandering eye."

"Uh oh! Not the wandering eye," Derek replied to her. Between him and Penelope, they had an ongoing joke about how Penelope had curbed Derek's wandering eye. It was clear that "It's a good thing I came along to rescue you."

"Oh so you're here for _me_?" Penelope pointed out, a teasing grin twisting onto her lips. "Crashing a girl's night really aren't you?" Penelope asked teasing, "Don't you trust me?" She asked with a playful pout.

"Always, Baby, always," Derek said, his breath as heavily quilted with alcohol as Penelope's was. "I don't trust the men in here, and God do I hate being away from you for too long."

Penelope's began to aw at him for that. Continuing to melt in front of his eyes.

"Oh just wait, Morgan!" Emily said as she watched Derek grab Penelope and pull her tightly against him, "Next week you'll have to spend the whole night all alone. No Penelope around."

"That's still a week away," Derek told Emily as he greedily covered Penelope in kisses in front of everyone. "_Aaages_ away in fact."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Don't leave me," Derek pouted as Penelope went for the front door. "Please, Baby."

"Tradition, Hot Stuff," She turned to tell him with a bright smile. "Just keep in mind that this time tomorrow you're stuck with me for life." She allowed him to pull her so she was flush against his aching body. "This time tomorrow we'll be married."

"Just how it should always have been," Derek murmured lowly to her, and then he kissed her gently, plying kiss after kiss before passion took over and Penelope's departure for the night was forgotten for the moment. He pushed her against the wall right by the front door, pinning her between that and his body. "Can you not leave a bit later?"

Penelope smirked and turned her head to the side as she giggled, "Handsome, I have important girly stuff to do. I need to look my best for tomorrow."

"You," Derek began as he ran a hand up her jaw line to look at him, "Could turn up in a used black bag and look absolutely smoking hot – truly gorgeous." He told her truthfully and watched her blush perfectly, "Tomorrow doesn't rely on how we look, just as long as you and I are both there."

"Oh believe me, if a black bag was allowed I wouldn't have gone to too much bother, but I have to say that I plan to knock your socks off, Handsome. I want one day where you just can't help but go wow."

"I do that every day as it is," He told her pointedly and smirked. "I don't even joke."

Penelope smiled at him brighter, "Tomorrow will be different. Believe me, it will totally different."

Knowing he had lost this, he kissed her again before pulling back, "I think I'm going to need to save all my energy for tomorrow by the sounds of that," Derek told her after he had taken in the double meaning of Penelope's sentence. She had teased him ferociously for weeks that he wouldn't be able to leave the bed the morning after their wedding day and he now knew she hadn't lied.

He knew he should have never doubted it in the first place.

Penelope looked over her shoulder at him, shot him a look she knew would affect him the most, and finished the walk to her old caddy.

She would have him eating out of the palm of her hand by the following day.

Just how she loved.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek heard his phone and groaned. He didn't need to open his eyes to tell him it was still dark outside. The fact that there was no light penetrating his eyelids told him it was still either early morning or pretty much still the middle of the night.

"Hello?" He answered running a hand over his face.

"I can't sleep," Penelope's voice came down the line

"What's up?" Derek asked even though he knew what was up.

"I guess I'm excited, scared, anxious, crazed, happy," Penelope began to list off what she was feeling. "My mind is just a whirlwind right now and the left side of this bed is just too empty."

"And you're cold," Derek finalised knowing she was missing the warmth his body supplied her. She had complained over and over again about it when he went away on cases; now would be no different.

"Yeah and that," She admitted, "I just miss you. Stupid isn't it?"

"Not really," Derek said as he turned over to his right side and looked at the untouched side of the bed where Penelope usually slept. "This bed is too big."

Penelope laughed a little; she could now feel the tiredness slipping in as she finally got her dose of comfort. "You ready for tomorrow, Stud?" Penelope asked him as she forgot about the emptiness of the bed.

"Ready to make you an honest woman? You betcha," Derek told her excitedly. "I can see it now, white dress, lace, bead work, the veil. Mmm, your red lips showing through that, teasing me, daring me to kiss you too early."

"I can't wait for the kiss," Penelope replied breaking in to the end of his sentence, "You realise it will be the longest we have to go without kisses or any physical touches in forever – not counting cases that is."

"I'm aching," Derek responded making her laugh again. "So bad."

"I bet you are, Handsome. This is like a drought for you."

Derek chuckled to himself, "Real bad dry spell for me here."

"Poor baby," She sympathised lightly.

He heard her yawn and settle more into the pillow beneath her head.

"Close the phone, Baby," Derek commanded her gently and soothingly. "I'll see you in a few hours. I think you'll sleep better now."

"Mmhmm," Penelope sounded down the line. "I love you so much, Derek," Penelope mumbled to him.

Feeling himself falling asleep, Derek stifled a yawn, "I love you too, Baby Girl."

He closed the phone satisfied with the outcome of that phone call.

If there was one thing Derek loved, it was to know that Penelope missed him as much as now as she had once done in the beginning of their relationship.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	24. Making You Mine Forever

***DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_Okay, so it's taken forever, but seriously my muse has neglected me BIG time... however, here's an update, so I hope you enjoy =) _

_Thanks for the reviews as always! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope breathed heavily. She stood with her back flush against the door, everyone in the room staring at her as she closed her eyes and counted to ten.

"Pen?" Emily asked as her and JJ stood with alarming concern.

"One moment," She hushed them and opened her eyes slowly and gained some composure. "My brothers are there." She watched them all smile at her. "What?"

"We know," They both said in unison.

"What?" Penelope yelped and panic ignited into her eyes, "This is nerve racking enough, without three of my brothers that haven't wanted to know me turning up. Joel I expected, of course I did, but the other three? God." Penelope said and sank down, her back still to the door, her head in her hands. "I can't be doing this right now."

JJ went and crouched down in front of her friend, "Hands off your face, Garcie. We've just got your make up done and you're at risk of smudging it." Penelope listened and looked back up at her best friend, "You run your hands through your hair and it's just going to fall out and go flat. Now stand up," She instructed and Penelope obeyed slowly. She stood fully in front of Penelope and smiled, "This is yours and Derek's day, not theirs. Joel's walking you down the aisle, they're not. He's your true brother, but right now, obviously they want to be here so let them. Let them see how happy you are."

"Why are they here?" Penelope asked, her voice quaking, "I want Derek."

Emily stepped in then and handed over the phone, "Best we can do." She told her friend, and she could tell that wasn't what she meant, she wanted to feel him, see him, hear him. Not just have one of the options – she _needed_ him. She needed his clarity on things that got her panicking. "I rang it before I came over, so he's bound to be listening right now."

Penelope took the phone and put it to her ear.

"What's wrong, Baby Girl?" Penelope heard Derek's voice as picked up immediately that something was wrong. "We've got less than an hour, what's got you worrying? Don't wanna marry me anymore?" He teased her childishly. "If you're getting cold feet, I made Em pack a pair of my socks just in case."

Laughing, Penelope took a seat and tried to calm, "I'd give my life to marry you, Handsome and you know that." She told him sweetly and sighed, "My brothers are all here, please tell me you weren't in on it as well."

"I knew about it, but I didn't think it was a good idea, but thinking about it maybe it is."

"It is?" Penelope asked aghast, "How?"

"You always wanted them back in your life, and we're about to take on a brand new chapter in our life together and I think it'd be a good time to incorporate them in it. Building a relationship back with them like you have with Joel will be a new start. There's no need to be panicking, you'll be in my arms real soon and I'll make sure you realise that all your doubts were pointless."

"I think I already realise," Penelope whispered a little emotional. "Oh God, what am I doing? I'm getting married in less than an hour and I have so much to do!" Penelope said as she realised that there were bigger things at play than her brothers. "I need to look perfect for a handsome man."

"Then go get ready, Baby Girl. Do not keep him waiting anymore than he already is," Derek told her down the line, "I love you, Penelope."

"I love you too," She said and snapped the phone and looked away blissful for a moment before she looked up at everyone. "Let them in," Penelope said as she stood up and took a deep breath. It was all about her future, even now after months and months, and her brothers were now a new addition to this chapter.

Joel stepped in first, followed by her other brothers and smiled her, "I'm not sure that's appropriate bridal wear, Penny." He pointed out and smirked, watching Penelope melt into a small smile. "We just came to surprise you and say hi. I told you I'd get them here one day, but I just didn't know it'd be your wedding day. Now we're rushing hellos because you're slowly running out of time so I'm gonna drag these three out of here and let you get on, but I'll be back to come and claim you as mine before I hand you over."

Penelope smiled brightly at the prospect of what was going to happen, but agreed and got a quick hug and kiss off of her brothers. Each one an almost sacred moment between them and she watched them leave.

Turning around she found herself clock watching and rushing, but the moment she had her dress on time seemed to slow and she felt herself relax.

_So far so good._

She kept that optimism as she walked down to the reception hall that stood in front of the main doors to the large church that Penelope and Derek had chosen. She was calm, and she couldn't for the life of her stop smiling.

This felt beyond right to her.

The moment the door opened Penelope felt her heart begin to gallop violently as all eyes turned to be on her. Even though it was a small, simple wedding like planned, there still seemed to be a million and one watchers.

Then her eyes flicked up and set their gaze heavily on Derek and she felt the butterflies begin in her stomach. She got lost in that sight as her and Joel started to go towards the alter. She took in his tux, the smartness to his attire, the proud stand he held as he stood up front and ready. She then saw the small smile grow on his lips as he drank in the sight of her. Then she saw him wink at her, his eyes twinkle with seduction and she knew she was destined for good things come the end of the night.

Derek watched Penelope. This was the most perfect moment of his life. He had had multiple images in his head of what she would like on this day, but the image in front of him right now didn't even match any of them. Their honeymoon was already wreaking havoc on his mentality as he watched her get closer and closer. He knew their night was going to be hot and sexual and completely, utterly passion filled

Here was Penelope, adorned in a white gown that hugged her sexily, that showed her assets properly, that would make a blind man drool and she was all his.

Penelope was about to become Mrs. Morgan and that in itself was a dream come true.

He knew he never wanted to wake up if this was all a dream.

The moment he put his hand out and took Penelope's he felt reality sink in and Penelope was still there looking truly gorgeous.

"Dearly beloved-" Was what both heard.

The rest was a whirlwind as they didn't look away from one another.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"We had a last minute change to this song," The DJ spoke up, interrupting everyone, "But could the bride and groom take their places on the floor for their first dance as a married couple."

Derek looked at Penelope, "I thought we had decided a song?"

Smirking, Penelope just watched his expression as he looked worried about being unprepared. "We had, but I thought we needed a little up tempo number to match how we are, Handsome."

"I can't deny that," Derek said as he put his hand out to take hers.

"Plus I just thought this song could show you how thankful I am in a way I can't," Penelope told her husband and smiled meekly at him. "Sometimes I feel like you deserve to know how thankful I really am to have you," Penelope told him honestly, "We know I don't do public singing well."

Chuckling Derek took her hand in a slightly tighter grip for a moment, "C'mon, Baby. It's time we did our first dance as Mr and Mrs Morgan."

Not hesitating another moment, Penelope allowed Derek to draw her out to the dance floor, all eyes on them now. She could feel some nerves creeping up in her, but the moment Derek held her body ready, and the music began the world around them disappeared entirely.

_When I met you I didn't really like you_

_First impression was you were somebody who'd_

_Walk right by when I waved at you and say 'Hi'_

_But they say (Hey)_

_Bad beginnings make happy endings_

_Now that I know you_

_I begin to understand things_

_It turns around a hundred and eighty degrees_

_I found my missing piece_

Derek listened to the music, watched his new wife, took in this reality. He had, at first, wanted to question the first couple of lines, but when Penelope had shot him a look to just give it a chance he had to respect that, he was just glad he had. It was as the song passed on that he realised just what was going to transcend.

_There's something about you_

_That's like the sun_

_You warm up my heart_

_When I come undone_

_You're like my soul mate_

_And on those days_

_When I hurt_

_When I break_

_You are my band aid_

Penelope looked up into Derek's eyes and she realised that if there was one thing she knew, it was that nothing and no one would ever break them apart again. They had suffered enough, but now they had one another and they had more than the general reason to love one another.

They had both walked through hell for the other to get here.

_When I get caught in the rain and it feels like_

_There is no one in the world who understands my_

_Complications that I'm facing on certain days_

_I talk it through with you_

_No matter how I try to hide_

_You see straight through my disguise_

_You know how to fix me you are my therapy_

Even though Penelope had chosen the song, Derek couldn't fault that nearly everything in this song was a reflection of what he felt for Penelope. She was after all he's God Given Solace. Long ago she became his Baby Girl, best friend, lover, lead supporter, his sunshine, the air he breathed. For intent and purposes, Penelope was his everything and the months without her were the hardest of his life. The moment he had her back he was able to breathe, to love, to live.

Derek had heard this song before, probably when they had multiple of the family parties and there was a mixture of music playing in the background. Before long he remembered the backing tune and moved and danced with Penelope to match it. As the song moved through the chorus again, he felt the pace liven up and he wanted Penelope to have more fun than just a traditional slow dance. They weren't traditional and he hoped that they never truly were. It made their lives unpredictable and it made their lives thrive with fun and excitement.

He realised that this song was perfect for them for more than just the tempo. Their romance had started slowly, like the song, then gathered momentum and here they were at the climax of it all. The words spoke volumes for them, but it wasn't all secrets. Penelope knew she was his sunshine, his strength, his ultimate one love and he knew it was the other way for Penelope as well.

_Isn't it funny how these things can turn around_

_Just when I thought I knew you_

_You proved me wrong_

_I used the hate the things you love_

_And love the things you hate_

_But now I _

_Like it_

_I like it_

_I like it_

_Now I la la la la like it_

_I like it _

_I like it_

_la la la la like it_

_I like it _

_I like it_

_There's something about you_

Derek forgot about the rest of song and spun Penelope around, feeling a need to show her off before he could capture her in his arms and kiss her like it was the first and last time he would get the chance.

The moment she was brought back to his chest, Penelope looked up at him with a smile on her face. She truly felt the happiest that she had ever felt in her entire life.

She felt his lips touch hers before her mind caught up with her. She was still on a dizzying height from both the love penetrating her soul and the spin around Derek had forced her into. However, it didn't take long to become completely drunk on the kiss and want more. She kissed him back, much like their first kiss, the one that sealed the fate of their love. She felt the heat spread across her, the chemistry building, the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach.

Looking up at him as the kiss ended, she smiled teasing before she spoke. "I trailed the whole of my musical collection for this, Handsome. And Emily's, and JJ's before I found one that was seemingly word perfect. It took a lot of time and effort from my favourite girlies behalf," Penelope chided Derek playful, "But believe me you are so worth it."

"It's good to know, Baby Girl," Derek replied. "God I love you and now you're all mine. No one is ever having you for as long as I live." He told her and saw Penelope light up at the possessiveness he was exhibiting. He always looked empowered and sexier when he acted like this.

Derek smirked self righteously and leaned in to kiss his wife.

This happily ever after was perfection sealed with gold in both their eyes he could tell.

Their story was what made the best of happy endings.

Strength. Courage. Love.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

**Song: Pixie Lott – Band Aid**


	25. Facing Demons

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Right so this isn't the end, nowhere near. This has definitely turned into an epic! I hope you continue to enjoy it! _

_Thanks as always =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"He's outside isn't he?" Kevin asked as he looked at Penelope through the glass.

Penelope nodded a little uneasy at this situation, "Of course he is."

"An-And he's going to be coming in here isn't he?" He asked nervously, and watched her nod her answer. He nodded back, his mouth open a little in a sign of fear. "I guess I deserve everything I get."

Looking at Kevin as he sat in the prison given orange overalls, the white t-shirt just poking out from over the top of it she couldn't see justice done. Even though orange never was his colour, she thought dryly. He was living it comfortably in here; he had a bed, a cell mate for company, so called _friends_ in here. He had free time all day, no work, no hurt, a games room, free food; free everything, time to acquire new skills.

This didn't even come close to what she had suffered all that time ago because of him.

"I-" She paused and composed herself a little, sitting up straighter and taking a deep breath. "I thought I meant more to you than a pawn to be used in your little games. I thought a four year relationship meant something, Kevin." She paused again, this time because she felt anger bubbling up inside of her. "I knew you always had a problem with Derek, but I didn't think it was that much that you would have to do something like you did."

"I was jealous, that's the only explanation I have," Kevin replied honestly, his eyes watering. He was no longer the man that had been interrogated months ago, he was a broken man. He was now a product of what prison had made him.

"But that's not good enough," Penelope shouted at him, scaring herself with her tone of voice. She sucked in a difficult, shaky breath and begged herself not to cry in front of him. She could tell he had changed, and so had she, but that didn't erase the fact the past was still her past. "Being jealous of someone does not make everything okay, Kevin. You destroyed my life, I lost everything. Not you, Kevin, but me."

"I'm the one in prison, Penny! Had you not noticed that?" He asked her bitterly. He was shaking at her now, feeling slightly crazed.

"Yeah and even that isn't enough punishment!" She said to him heatedly and leaned in. "That morning when you rang mine and Derek's house, my entire life crumbled down around me, Kevin. You have no idea what that felt like. How much that hurt to be a part of. You might be stuck in here, Kevin, but you disappeared after that night. You didn't even bother to face up to what you did. You're a coward."

"I wasn't that night," He bit at her, "That night I wasn't a coward. I was powerful when I had you."

Penelope bit her tongue for a moment or two, "So powerful you had to use drugs."

She flinched as Kevin's hands slammed down on the table top, "It was the only way to get you to notice me. It was always him that stole your attention, always, always Derek Morgan. Well let's just say I fucked up every chance you had together."

Penelope laughed at him, almost hysterically. She had noted that the guards were watching Kevin, but that comment hit her funny bone hard. "You really are stupid," She started to tell him, "You might have ruined my life back then, but I built it back up. Me and Derek built our lives back up and we got married. Two months ago in fact, and can I just say, that day made everything that happened lose its power over me. I tried to kill myself because of everything, because of everything you started. I lost sight of everything I had, but then one day, I just woke up. It might have almost been too late, but at the end of the day Kevin, I got over you," She leaned in closer to the window. "Again."

"You bitch," Kevin spat at her, "What if I told you I lied, that I can have babies, but I didn't want to be given the responsibilities of a baby. What then?"

"I looked up your record, Kevin. You sadistic asshole, you can't have kids so don't try and back away from that now. I was never pregnant with your child, it was Derek's. Don't even try and lie to me because you should know better." Penelope heard the door open behind her and knew Derek had waited the time he had said before coming in. "I thought I dealt with some monsters at work, but you really are a cut above the rest and you weren't even man enough to face them. You had opportunity after opportunity to win me back, but you hid. You're just a child in a man's body. You never wanted me, you just wanted something over another man."

Kevin's eyes began to burn with anger as he watched Derek sit next to Penelope and put his arm around her, pulling her to his body slightly. He had thought that if he couldn't have Penelope then sleeping with her would ruin Derek's chances, but it seemed to just make the couple inseparable.

"How's life on the inside?" Derek asked casually as he relaxed into his chair. He watched Kevin's expression remain unchanged and then released Penelope and leaned in. "I'll tell you something now," He started, his tone wrapped in building malice, "This glass panel is the only thing keeping you alive right now, do you hear me?" He asked and Kevin gulped and just gave Derek a wide stare. "Well?" He asked again and Kevin nodded at him vigorously. "You should count your lucky damn stars that I wasn't in the right frame of mind when I could've had you all that time ago, Kevin."

Penelope pulled Derek back, calming him instantly, "Can we just go?"

"Sure we can, Sweet Thing," Derek told her back and kissed into her temple. The anger and hurt removed immediately from his tone. "Have a good time in here." He said and stood, standing back to allow Penelope to stand up.

Penelope looked at Kevin and felt nothing, but disgust. "To think I ever loved you," Penelope told him as she stood. It was almost completely full with sadness. Every note, every ounce of her expression, her eyes, all of it was filled to the brim with sadness and pity and hate.

She then went to leave that room with her held high and a weight truly lifted. She thought she was over the Kevin debacle, but facing her own monster was the best thing for it. Now she was truly liberated of that time in her life. She was completely free of it all.

"Just remember your sentence isn't forever, _Lynch_," Derek told him and even he knew Kevin wouldn't forget the secret message in that. Derek knew if he ever saw Kevin again it wouldn't be to shake his hand and welcome him back to work.

Derek took Penelope's hand before they left the visitor's side of the room. He could feel her shaking, and he could tell it was more with anger now, whereas before it had been all down to nerves.

"I just want to go home now, Handsome," Penelope admitted and smiled at Derek as they got nearer and nearer to fresh air. "I needed that, but man I just want you now."

"Count it as done." He replied and took her hand as they started the short walk to the SUV in the car park. He helped her in and then ran around to jump into the passenger seat. He gave her a wide grin as he started the engine up and a wink as he put the vehicle into gear and backed out of their spot.

The journey was cloaked with a heavy silence. Something both had noted, but both Derek and Penelope understood that after facing someone that had become a demon to the pair of them would create this effect.

Slipping his hand into hers as he drove, Derek smiled as Penelope squeezed it. They were going to be okay for sure.

"Can we make a detour on the way home?" Penelope asked as they drove along. It wasn't even mid afternoon and the sun was up high in the sky and she knew she wasn't entirely ready to go home. She had one thing she wanted to do before then.

"Sure, where to?" Derek responded, not taking his eyes off of the road.

"Go right here, Hot Stuff," Penelope told Derek as they drove down the road a little further. She looked at Derek, "I think I'm pregnant."

That was all Derek needed to take the corner quicker.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	26. This Chance

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So a lot of you were happy with that last line... let's see if this sates your happiness =)_

_Enjoy and thanks! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"We're going to have a baby," Penelope said absentmindedly as they sat down in the park together. She felt Derek's hand slip into hers and she turned to face him, her face so full of fear. "Everything's going to be okay right? This baby will be okay won't it?"

"I don't want to make promises that I can't guarantee on keeping, Baby," He confided immediately and watched her expression. "You know if I could I would make it so it would be okay."

"I know," She whispered. "I'm scared," She admitted lowly and looked down.

Slipping his hand into hers, Derek squeezed it in a sign of comfort, of strength. "We need to go see the doctor," Derek spoke up, still in shock that he and Penelope might just be getting a second chance at this. He watched her nod at him and try to be brave, "This isn't like last time, Baby Girl." He turned to face her, "Just because it happened once, doesn't mean it's going to happen again, Penelope. I can't promise you that, but in my gut I know this isn't going to go wrong for us this time."

Penelope smiled at him. He had dashed around the shop, going straight for the pregnancy orientated parts along one of the aisles. She had giggled as she had just watched him as she approached casually and put her hand on the kit she had gotten before. She had told him it dated it, and with it he grabbed a handful of every other pregnancy tests. After getting home, and getting over a dozen confirmations, Penelope had wanted air and he had taken her to the local park to relax and hatch a plan.

He was her strength then and here he was now being it.

"Fifteen pregnancy tests cannot be wrong, Handsome," Penelope mentioned and took a deep breath, "And if it's right and I'm eight weeks, then we're nearly at the same point I lost the last baby."

Derek could almost feel Penelope's nervous energy as it radiated off of her. He could feel it penetrating his body and taking over his senses quickly. He needed to curb this rush of bad feelings and get Penelope to acknowledge that this was not going to be the past repeating itself on them. They weren't that unlucky, if anything he had deemed them the luckiest two people he knew.

They had a second chance where some people had lost out on one.

"There's only one thing for it now," Derek said and looked at her seriously, "We go to the hospital."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope sat in the doctor's room with Derek, she hadn't moved off of the table since the doctor had drawn blood and she was almost scared to do so. She wanted a second confirmation so she could panic over what was to come after this.

The doctor came back in with her file and small serious look on his face. Placing the file down he looked at Penelope and smiled, "You're pregnant," He confirmed happily. "All of the symptoms you expressed show you're in your first trimester and your hormone level would indicate roughly about eight or nine weeks."

Penelope bite her lip at that date. _Nine weeks_. If it were that, then this was the time she miscarried hers and Derek's first baby.

"I see from your file you've had a previous miscarriage not even a year ago," The doctor pointed out and he saw Penelope's face ignite with terror, and Derek's hand tighten its grip on hers. "There is nothing to say it won't happen, but the chances of it happening aren't very high. How far gone were you?"

"Just over nine weeks we think," Penelope replied nervously. "Is there anything that can prevent that happening again?" She asked, she wanted ideas, she needed advice and if it was to lock herself away from civilisation to reduce stress she would welcome it.

"Just take it easy and listen to your body. There's no preventatives, just precautions. If you're beginning to get stressed with something, take a break; reduce the stress levels before proceeding. If you get tired, take a nap. If you're hungry, eat. Whatever you feel your body asking you to do, just do it."

"It's that simple?" Penelope asked cautiously.

The doctor smiled at her, "It's that simple."

Penelope looked at Derek and back at the doctor, "What about the fact I haven't missed a period this month? The pregnancy test I did told me I was eight weeks. Surely I should have stopped?"

The doctor pulled chair over and sat opposite her, "It is common for bleeding in the early stages of pregnancies. We call it breakthrough bleeding. It happens when the hormones that control your menstrual cycle break through the pregnancy hormones that are flooding your body. We'll keep an eye on it, just to lessen the worry, but I'm pretty sure after this one you won't be bleeding again."

Feeling a little better about things Penelope felt herself finally begin to relax some, "I'm just being stupid."

"Not stupid, P," Derek soothed in disagreement.

"Penelope, it's better to be cautious than throw everything to wind. It's a good thing you mentioned the bleeding, it just means we can keep an eye on it on your next scan," He concluded and took in Penelope's unmoved expression and he smiled comfortingly. "Is it heavy at all?" He asked and Penelope shook her head, "Then it's not a period," He gave her a smile. "I understand your apprehension at this pregnancy, Penelope, but really I see no problem with you carrying to full term. You have no hormone abnormalities that would indicate such a problem, or any withstanding conditions."

He stood up then and put the chair back by the desk.

"I'll arrange for a twelve week scan, and we can get an actual date on the pregnancy and give you a due date while we're at it, but just go with this Penelope. Relax and enjoy being pregnant."

Derek stood then and smirked at Penelope, "You heard the man, Baby Girl. Let's go and relax and enjoy this for once."

"The forms should be sorted by now, but I guess we'll see you in a couple of weeks," He told them and opened the door for them, congratulating them as they went. "Oh, and Penelope, if you have any concerns, don't hesitate to ring."

Penelope nodded and then walked to the desk with Derek, her arm linked onto his. She was still stunned into silence. She heard Derek sorting things out, but she was in her own little world for the moment.

This time as she thought about the baby growing inside of her, the small child that she would hold and love, she could feel her emotions were completely different than before. She didn't want to sink into the corner of the bathroom scared, she didn't want to cry over how broken she was at this news, she didn't want to shy away from embracing the fact that she was going to be a mom. She wanted to scream it from the rooftops, she wanted to go and rub it in Kevin's face once more at how happy she was, she wanted to kiss her husband and thank him for _every_thing that she still felt she needed to. She couldn't deny her happiness this time.

She guessed that that was where she had gone wrong all that time again. She had lost her happiness before and with it, she had lost her way.

Now, the only thing she was lost in was her happiness.

"I don't want to tell anyone until the twelve week scan, Handsome," Penelope said as they walked away from the nurses' desk at long last. "I want to get passed nine weeks first and then see our baby. Is that okay?"

"Anything you want, Mamma," Derek agreed and couldn't remove the smile from his face. "It's usual to wait until then anyway, and really I expected nothing less."

Pausing as they stood by the entrance to the clinic, Penelope looked up at him. "We're pregnant, Derek." Penelope admitted in a whisper, her happiness silencing her at that moment.

Derek picked her up and spun her around in a circle, kissing her as he went, "Yes we are!" He almost shouted with excitement and elation. He just couldn't contain his happiness. Their minor moment of keeping this on the down low was completely abolished as they revelled for a minute or two.

"You won't be able to do that when I'm like a house," Penelope replied with a bright, wide smile. She couldn't wait to experience everything she had missed out on once before.

Defiant as ever, Derek taped her nose and smirked, "I'll find a way."

Penelope knew this time was going to be a stranger of last time.

Now she forgot her fears.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	27. Revealing

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Another chapter, so swift moving =) Thank you for all the reviews! You lot are superstars =) For now, I hope you enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"So how we doing this then?" Penelope asked as she ripped her gaze off the photo in her hands and looked up at Derek as they sat in their SUV. "We have to tell them sooner or later."

"Element of surprise," Derek replied to her with a childish grin, "Letting them guess is too easy."

"Yeah, what if they didn't even notice?" Penelope asked with mock horror. She then looked down at the photo again and held it up. "This is unforgettable and cannot be unaccounted for."

"That's our baby," Derek said almost proudly as he took the photo off of her. "She really is a jelly bean."

"She?" Penelope cut in surprise, "Most daddies'-to-be want a little boy so they can play ball with and make them into their mini protégée."

"Well," Derek said and leaned in towards her, "I want a little girl that looks just like her mamma. Is that okay with you, Baby Girl?"

Smirking, Penelope kissed him, "Very okay," she said between kisses and then held his gaze, stopping with the kisses. "Still doesn't solve out problem of telling our family does it?"

"Well Hotch knows," Derek gave her an apologetic grin.

"I guessed he would," Penelope admitted, as she remember only hours earlier how her scan went from her being alone to being the pair of them. She knew Derek would have to have told their boss to get clearance to leave at such last minute.

_Penelope lay back on the bed, her top hitched up, her hands slightly shaking and she wished Derek was here with her and not on some stupid case. She watched the sonographer get everything ready and then grabbed the bottle of gel. Penelope had heard stories from JJ whilst she was pregnant about how cold this was and as stupid as it sounded, she really wanted Derek here. _

"_No daddy to join us today?" The woman asked Penelope._

_Penelope went to open her mouth, to answer the woman and confirm, but the door opened._

"_Sorry I'm late," Derek said as he came into the room. He went straight to Penelope and took her hand and then leaned down to kiss her. "Sorry, Baby. I tried my hardest to get to you before the appointment."_

"_You're here now," Penelope said as she felt herself smiling and calm entirely. It was such a cliche moment, one for the TV and for films, but it was a reality for her now. "That's all that matters, Handsome."_

"_Is it okay to begin?" The woman asked, breaking the moment. She watched them both confirm and looked at Penelope, "This is going to be cold okay?"_

_Penelope nodded at her and turned her attention to the screen forgetting about the coldness and just wanted to see hers and Derek's creation._

"_There's your baby," She pointed out and inspected the screen. "You're actually just over the twelve weeks mark," She commented as she measured the baby and checked for abnormalities. "You're about fourteen weeks in fact. The baby's healthy too; I see no problems we should be worried about at all actually."_

_There was the confirmation that this was going to be okay. Seeing hers and Derek's baby up on the screen told her that this was hers to have and hold. She wasn't losing this baby and she knew it._

_The sonographer reached over and pushed a button and moments later there was a rush of noise and a clear heartbeat ringing out. "That's one healthy heartbeat there," She commented confidently with a smile. _

_Looking up at Derek, Penelope saw his entire expression clouded with an onslaught of tears and could see that his attention was unmoved from the screen._

"_Right, I'll get these printed and schedule your next scan, but you can clean your stomach off and come out to reception when you're done, Mrs Morgan."_

_The moment Penelope was up, Derek kissed her heatedly and greedily. He was making up for being away and for almost missing this moment. He was telling her just how thankful he was for this life and he was telling her how badly he wanted her. Penelope knew the night ahead of them was going to be a passionate one and she couldn't wait for it._

"They're not back are they? Penelope asked as they looked into the bullpen after walking into work. Getting a confirmation, she took Derek's hand in hers and rushed to her office, pulling him behind her the entire time. Quickly unlocking it, she turned her computers on and readied to scan the photo of their unborn child into the system so she could make copies.

"What are you up to?"

Penelope turned around to her husband, "An ingenious plan, Hot Stuff."

Chuckling, Derek fell down onto her couch and watched her give him a devilish smirk as she went back to work. "I really shouldn't question you."

"No, you really shouldn't," Penelope pointed out sarcastically making Derek laugh. "It won't take long and we can sit back and watch the outcome."

"You actually sound evil when you speak like that," Derek told her honestly. "You're only evil in the bedroom."

Penelope spun around, her mouth open in shock, "How?" She asked him.

"When you leave me there alone," Derek told her with a pout.

"You try being the missus in this marriage when her hubby goes off on a case and then tell me who's evil," Penelope teased as she finally hit print, realising that this didn't take her long at all to fix and get ready.

"Oh touché," Derek replied and went back behind her, "Daddy promises to make it up to Mamma."

"Good, Mamma would appreciate that," Penelope replied to him seriously, her lips curved into a smile showing she was teasing him still. "You reckon they'll be back?"

"Well we were just rounding up so I should hope so, but we can go to my office and put a film on," Derek told her and heard her sigh in pleasure at that idea.

Printing the sonograph photo, Penelope cut them quickly into shape and folded them in half like a card, the photo on the outside ready. Penelope smiled to herself as she wrote each with its own personalisation and handed to Derek to check. All but Hotch's said the same thing – "I'm baby Morgan, I just thought I'd say hi to my auntie/uncle" – Hotch's however said, "I know you know about me, Uncle Aaron, but I thought I would say hi to you too".

"Perfect," Derek commented proudly as he read Hotch's one last. "Let's go deliver these, Gorgeous."

"Let's," Penelope said with a wide grin and stood to face him. "I love you, Handsome."

Derek smirked, "I love you too, Pen, but what's brought this on?"

"Our baby," She responded headed out of the room, leaving him to follow. He watched her march up to the bullpen checking the coast was clear before she proceeded to take each of the mini cards off of Derek and place on Emily's and Reid's desk like seating cards. She then proceeded to go into JJ's office, followed by Rossi's and then Hotch's.

"Now we go and sit back and relax," Penelope told him with a satisfied grin.

Derek shot her a grin, "Oh now that sounds like something heavenly."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Hey, P," Derek nudged Penelope out of her gentle slumber, "Listen."

"Mmm," Penelope responded, she shifted a little, but listened out and could hear the oncoming hubbub up the hallway. "And the masses flock."

They sat and listened to the noise, and the moment it was outside of the door, they turned their attentions back to the film and acted as if they hadn't heard the congregation. Derek called out when the knock on the door was rapped and he looked down at Penelope as she lay with her head on his lap and winked.

"Can we have a word with you two?" Hotch said as he entered followed by everyone else.

"Wait a sec, me and Pen are into this film," Derek told them and pretended to watch the scene that was displayed on the television.

"He's being rude," Penelope said and forced herself up into a seated position, "What's up?"

"What's this?" Their boss asked and they all held up the card.

Penelope tilted her head to the side, as though inspecting the card and what it could be, "Well it looks to me like a sonograph of an ickle bubba." Penelope then looked over her shoulder at Derek who sat with a self righteous smirk, "Kind of looks like our ickle bubba, Handsome."

Derek's smile would have been confirmation enough had Penelope not added the last line beforehand.

"So you are pregnant!" JJ shouted excitedly at her and then left the group to fling her arms around Penelope as she still remained on the couch. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Jayje," Penelope said strained as JJ squeezed her tightly. Finally being released she smiled, "Thanks," She teased. "We wanted to get the twelve week scan done so we could be sure."

"You're three months already?" Emily asked shocked that they had been able to keep it a secret.

"Just over actually," Derek told them, "My wife is fourteen weeks along."

JJ smiled excitedly, already envisaging the baby being close buddies with her son. The team hadn't even fitted in a round of congratulations and JJ's mind was already making up play dates, birthdays, Christmas', everything. "We have so much to do! I mean we have so much stuff to buy and plan and only five and half months to do it!"

"I'm sure we'll have all the time in the world, Jayje," Penelope soothed her friend's excitement. "We're taking this easy, but I think five and half months is just enough time to get used to this."

"Believe me," JJ started, "It won't be."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	28. Excited Omens

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_I'm planned ahead; I'm just not ahead, ahead with this yet! I will try to keep consistent updates, but I start up Christmas hours at work tomorrow so I'll probably be near sleep deprived by tomorrow night... for now enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"What about these?" Penelope asked as she spun around with a pair of baby boots in her hand and an adorable pout on her lips. "They would be perfect."

"Pen," JJ started, "There are more important things to think about."

"But," Penelope spoke and did a walking motion with the boots.

"You don't even know if you're having a girl yet," JJ told her and took the boots off of her friend and put them down, all the while trying to reframe her amusement. "We need to look at cribs and prams and-"

"Derek's convinced we're having a girl," Penelope stopped her and looked off dreamily. "I really want a little boy. Could you imagine it, Jayje?" Penelope asked and looked at her friend, "A mini Derek."

"Oh God," JJ groaned and laughed, "One Derek Morgan is enough, don't bring about a second one."

"FBI's best agent crossed with secret hacker. Jack of all trades," Penelope's eyes went wide. "We could call him Jack!"

"Then we'd have two Jack's in our clan," JJ pointed out with an all knowing smirk.

"Right, you're right," Penelope responded shaking her head clear of the idea, "He needs an uber cool name though."

JJ laughed at Penelope's thrill of this moment, "Being pregnant is making you loopier than ever, my friend."

"Aw, thanks, JJ," Penelope replied with a bright smile taking it as a compliment. "I don't know, I'm feeling so much better now and the morning sickness is almost nearly nonexistent and I mean, come on, it's actually happening now. I am actually pregnant! I'm all for running about with excitement."

"Fourth months were one of the best of my pregnancy," JJ agreed with her friend. "And believe me; I'm still not quite used to the idea of a little Garcie or Morgan yet. It's an adjustment."

"You're not?" Penelope asked with a shocked face, "I can't even believe I'm Mrs. Derek Morgan, Honey!"

JJ started to laugh at that. She loved to watch Penelope's disbelief at how her life was now. At how new she kept thinking it was.

"Have you two seen these?" Emily said as she rounded the corner and almost ran into Penelope and JJ. She had literally followed the sound of their voices in amongst her enthusiasm. "Can this be the first gift I give as Auntie Emily?"

The moment Penelope's eyes lay on the item in Emily's hands her face lit up and she looked at JJ's amused face as Emily held identical boots to what Penelope had held. "Now tell me they're not a worthy buy?"

"You still don't know what you're having though, Pen!" JJ argued back. She knew the logistics of pregnancies. She knew how she wanted to buy everything she put her hands on, but she knew, with firsthand experience, that she wouldn't let Penelope bury herself in things that really wouldn't be put to use.

"But look at them," Penelope told her and looked at Emily as JJ remained unmoved. "She won't budge my gorgeous raven haired wonder so give up."

"What?" Emily asked in shock, "Why not? I should be able to buy what I like."

"If it's a boy?" JJ asked Emily pointedly. It didn't matter how cute the little pink, almost doll like shoes were she couldn't be ruled by the cuteness over judgement. That was until both her best friends stood looking at her with identical looks, the shoes still in the air. "What the hell!" She said all of a sudden, "I'm sure you'll have a girl somewhere along the line!"

"Eee!" Penelope bounced a little excitedly, "They'll look perfect on a little girl of mine."

"I want you to have a little girl," Emily said as all of the women finally walked to the cribs. "I mean, come on, we are overrun with men. Even in the children. However cute Jack and Henry get, we need extra female hormones around here."

"I hear ya, sister!" Penelope chirped and stopped dead in her track. "I think I've found the crib already."

"Well that made that easier," JJ jumped in and looked around trying to see if she could decipher which one had caught Penelope's eyes.

"That and me and bubba are hungry," Penelope stated before taking both Emily's and JJ's hand and drawing them into the sea of baby cribs.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I just want to show now," Penelope said in almost frustration as they all sat around waiting on the men to arrive at the restaurant. "I know I'm pregnant and I want everyone else to know, is that wrong of me?"

"Kitten, we were only just saying how you're radiating at the moment and how pregnant you are with it," Rossi said as the men came and sat down with the group of girls. "Believe me, you are showing."

Derek watched his vibrant wife as she sat satisfied and then saw the bags behind her, "More buying, Baby Girl?"

"I got talked out of shoes," She replied sweetly as though that was going to subsidise for the newest splurge.

"For you or the baby?" He asked her unsure.

"The baby. In my defence they were the cutest pair of boots ever, Handsome!"

Derek chuckled, "So were the last fifty thousand pairs."

"If we have a little girl," Penelope started and leaned in then, "Then I will be telling her how her precious daddy deprived her of shoes pre-birth. If she's her mother's daughter, she won't be best pleased, Hot Stuff."

"If it's a little boy, he'll be happy I saved him from the wrath of his mother's shoe obsession," Was Derek's only reply to her at that and he smirked at her and saw her burst into a grin. "Now I think we need to eat because I'm starved."

"Mmm, me too!" Penelope chimed as she turned back and picked up her menu. "This baby so has your appetite," Penelope chided seriously making everyone laugh. "I'm not even joking, I don't even like spicy Indian all that much, but since I conceived all I've wanted is the hottest of the hottest!"

"Is that your craving?" Emily asked Penelope, she almost winced at Penelope's admission after seeing her reaction to the spicy foods.

"Mmm," Penelope replied as she took a sip of her drink. "I swear it's the only thing that will keep me happy."

"Could be worse," Rossi threw in with a wayward smirk. "I remember Carolyn always craved pickled eggs. At least you two can share an Indian." He reminisced thinking back to when he had nearly been in Derek's spot and become a family man.

"That is very true, My Italian Stallion, if I left enough for Derek to eat."

"Yeah believe me, she eats about triple the speed nowadays," Derek told them all and looked up from his email. "You need to be quick around my wife with food."

"I'm eating for two though, Sugar," Penelope replied and looked over Derek to the waiters standing around.

"I think it's time we fed the both of you," Hotch spoke as he noted Penelope keep looking around for the waiter.

"Good plan, Boss Man," Penelope confirmed grateful.

Watching her family filter into their own little worlds of conversation as they finished eating, Penelope turned to Derek. "Emily bought our baby those shoes," Penelope whispered at Derek, she ran a hand down over his head, a teasing grin on his face. "I think I'm having a little girl."

"Really?" Derek asked surprised and looked at her. He was adamant about a daughter, Penelope had been adamant about a son. "What's changed?"

"Well," Penelope started, "I'm only attracted to little girl's clothes and bedding and whenever I think about it, I can only think of names for a girl. It's got to be an omen."

"Well I'm going to hold you to this now," Derek teased her softly. "I think it's time we got home. I want some alone time considering the girls kidnapped you first thing this morning."

"Can't go home just yet, Hot Stuff," Penelope began and looked at Derek and smiled sweetly. "I ordered the crib, but said we would be okay to pick it up."

Derek groaned, wanting to get home and spend some time with his wife, "Right, we'll pick up the crib and then we're going home and not moving from the couch again."

"We'll be doing more than cuddling on it though," Penelope told him seductively as she smirked at him and sat up ready to disband the group and take advantage of the evening.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	29. Living The Good Life

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Next chapter guys, I hope you enjoy =) Thanks for all of the reviews, alerts and favourites!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I will be so happy when I can start being best friends with non-inanimate objects again," Penelope groaned as she sat down after going to the toilet for what felt like the umpteenth time in the last hour.

"Like me?" Derek asked playfully.

"Like this," Penelope mentioned and lifted her top up so show off her rounding stomach. It might not have been huge, but it was most definitely there in all its glory.

Putting his hand to her stomach, Derek coursed his hand over her baby bump, "That's a best friend I can share for sure."

Feeling the muscles on the cheeks ache at the smile she couldn't drop, she just looked at him. Here he was, her only best friend, and if she did just look at him she could make herself believe that they were purely best friends watching films after a case. Not loved up, married and waiting on the birth of their first born child. She could cast herself back to the past and remember, but then she would just wake up and realise that she still had the idealistic bliss of the past in her present and future.

"You'll still be my favourite though," Penelope almost purred as she relaxed against the feel of his large palm over her stomach. She couldn't reframe from watching him as she felt their baby move ever so slightly.

"Is that?" Derek paused for a moment as he felt it again. "Is that our baby?" He looked up from his hand on her stomach bewildered and saw Penelope staring at him with a smile, her attention not on the baby in her belly, at its movement, but at her husband's reaction. "Do you feel that often?"

She nodded to him. "At first it was just a little flutter, kind of like the butterflies I used to get when you first kissed me. Then it got more and more and I've been waiting for the baby to do it when you're around."

"It's incredible," Derek said and kissed her gently, his hand still on her stomach. It was as the kiss began to get heated there was a flutter of movement and Derek and Penelope pull apart and laughed together. "Either someone likes romance, or they want us to stop."

"I guess we'll only know when they're born, Hot Stuff," Penelope replied to that, agreeing with his double ended theory.

"You know what this means right?"

"What?" Penelope asked him.

"If it's a girl we know she loves romance like her mamma, and if it's a boy he is gonna go 'eww' every time I kiss you," Derek told her with a slick smirk. He watched Penelope's nose begin to crinkle even more at that, the oncoming laughter readying. "I guess I'd just kiss you even more if that happened."

"Kiss me how?" Penelope challenged him and she received her answer quicker than she had anticipated.

The kiss ignited the trail of electricity immediately. She felt her veins become red hot as they always did, pulsating the endorphins through her body faster and faster. She couldn't withhold from deepening the kiss as her body reacted. She had no control over her hormones any more, one minute she would be fine and next she would be dying to feel Derek's body.

She groaned as the moment was killed by her need to go to the bathroom again. She pulled away unhappily and she could see that Derek wasn't too pleased.

"I swear I need to lay off the drink or move my entire life into the bathroom," She grumbled as she got up and watched her way to the downstairs bathroom, she could hear Derek laughing at her as she did so. As she walked back in she just ignored everything else and took her spot next to him, cuddling in immediately.

"Don't get too comfortable," Derek muttered to her as he felt her get comfortable.

Penelope looked up at him then, "I need to get ready don't I?"

"You really do," Derek told her truthfully, faking the sympathy. "We can come back to this after."

Sighing, Penelope all of a sudden pulled herself from Derek's side and looked back at him, "I'm gonna go call, JJ," Penelope told Derek moments later. "I need to ask her some stuff. I'll be ready I promise."

"We gotta leave in twenty minutes, Gorgeous," Derek reminded her as she headed to the door. "I know how you and JJ are once you're on the phone."

"I'll be ready," She called out already dialling JJ's number, "Promise!" She finished as she climbed the stairs one by one. She ignored hers and Derek's bedroom and ended into what was going to be the nursery. The colours complimenting either sex of the baby. She smiled at a thought as it entered her mind – Derek had already declared the room would be repainted accordingly to whatever sex it was.

"Hey Pen," JJ answered shortly after the fourth ring. "How's my future niece or nephew doing?"

Giggling Penelope turned out of the unfinished room and headed to the master bedroom, "They're doing superbly, my gorgeous blonde," Penelope chirped as she sat down on the bed. "I should get ready, but I had to call and asked you something."

"Sure, what's up?" JJ asked back and Penelope could tell she was tidying up toys. The sound of them hitting the sides of a plastic container making her imagine what it'll be like to be the one to tidy up behind her child.

"Nothing really," Penelope began alert, "I'm just thinking a lot about the baby and the birth and I thought you'd be the best person to quiz and get any secret tips from."

"At least you had someone in close proximity to quiz over this. I just had books and internet," JJ told Penelope jokingly. "Don't stress over it. Believe me, if you do, it could well be horrendous."

"I guess you're right," Penelope replied and thought for a moment as she grabbed clothes from the wardrobe, "You were just too calm and I want everything to run smoo-"

"Pen!" Derek called out, "You better be ready, Baby Girl, we gotta shoot for the appointment."

"Sorry JJ," Penelope apologised and covered the speaker part of the phone with her hand before shouting back, "I'll be right down, Handsome." She went back to the call, "You made having Henry seem easy," Penelope told JJ and heard her laugh, "Don't laugh over it, you did! I want everything to go like that. Perfect."

"Believe me; it will be perfect for you. You just got to listen to your body with this, Pen. Not mine, or some other pregnant woman. All yours."

Penelope lay back onto the bed, getting comfortable immediately. "I know, I know, but I just had to ask."

"It's normal, it's your first," JJ ironically gave a pregnant pause for a moment. She wondered if she could class it as Penelope's first pregnancy or second. When no reply came, JJ carried on, hoping to skim the conversation. "I think I'd be the same if I ever have a second. It's natural."

"Can you tell I'm getting antsy over this?" Penelope coyly as she thought about this moment. She was only five months and already she was panicking over the birth.

"I really can," JJ said with a small laugh, "Right don't you have a husband waiting on you?"

"He can wait a couple of minutes," Penelope said as she closed her eyes, "I've gotten comfortable."

"Pen! We gotta go now!" Derek called up, "I'll be waiting in the car."

"I gotta go, JJ," Penelope quickly said and sat up, "I'll call you later." Penelope snapped her phone shut before finally running downstairs and out of the door to get to her latest appointment.

It was later that day, Penelope walked out of the clinic, hand in hand with Derek, nothing but smiles radiating as she teased him about potential fatherhood and some of the horror stories JJ had passed on – sleepless nights, constant crying, tantrums.

He stopped her in front of their SUV only moments later and looked at her, one hand on the bonnet of the car, "Can we just stop with the speculation?" Derek asked as they left their last check up.

"What speculation?" Penelope asked playing dumb.

"I want to know if we're having a little girl, Baby. So bad you don't even know," Derek told her truthfully hoping on the next time would be when they could find out what they were having. "I know you do too."

Penelope's only answer was a small smile.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	30. Never Letting You Down

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Right, there is a tad bit in here added just for __Garmor__ who really brightened my day with a comment in her review. I hope you all enjoy it though! =) THANKS as always!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope winced as she ran a hand over her chest, hoping to somehow ease the heartburn. She couldn't fought that she loved being pregnant, but she was really feeling some of the side effects now. The strange dreams, the weird cravings, the heartburn, the emotional rushes they were all becoming a little repetitive some days.

She didn't move from her position as she updated files as someone walked up behind her. She had become quite intuitive with the footsteps of everyone on the team and she knew JJ was now coming up behind her.

"For you, Garcie," JJ said as she put a cup of steaming liquid in front of her. Once Penelope had taken it she moved around to the side of her.

"What's this?" Penelope asked JJ as she put the mug of liquid down as if with inspection. Looking up JJ handed her a pot of pills, "Slippery Elm?" Penelope read with a distasteful look.

"Yup, and some ginger tea," JJ told her knowingly, but she could see Penelope's confusion over this sudden offering. "I used to get terrible heartburn with Henry and my mom always told me to take Slippery Elm complex to help and to drink ginger tea. It's all safe, honest."

"Jayje, I don't know," Penelope said as she looked at the tea. She hated to admit the idea of drinking something that didn't appeal to her appetite. It wasn't boding well with her, however much it would cure her of this chronic heartburn.

"Morgan said you'd been up with heartburn for the past two nights so I thought I'd intervene and help. Trust me, Pen. It might taste nasty, but surely being comfortable is better than that."

Relenting, Penelope opened the pot of tablets and took one out and then swallowed it, grabbing her bottle of water to wash it down. They were over the counter pills, herbal, and JJ wouldn't let her take anything that would harm her. First one of the two wasn't too bad, but she supposed tablets weren't. She grabbed the tea and sniffed it; looking up JJ she was prompted to taste. _Here goes nothing_, she though dryly to herself.

"Just sip if need be, but the sixth month is definitely the worst for heartburn," JJ shared with her with a small smile. "Sip that."

Penelope obeyed and sipped some more, she might not like the taste, but she was up for anything to make this pregnancy an easy one. If there was one thing she was appreciative of, it was that JJ was sharing more and more about how perfect pregnancy wasn't actually as perfect as everyone saw it to be.

"You gonna watch me?" Penelope asked with a raised brow, she laughed as JJ nodded and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Plus it's time you got some lunch," JJ told her pointedly. "You're the one that's be preaching about small meals are healthier for you and Jelly Bean and I'm the one backing you. So take your own advice, and follow me."

"Lead the way, my Beauty," Penelope spoke up as she got ready to follow JJ. She watched Derek look up the moment they pushed the doors open to walk in and she smirked as he shot up and went towards them.

"Lunch already?" Derek said as he saw Penelope. He knew JJ had gone down to Penelope, and that they were doing a group meal in the conference room for once, but he hadn't known the day had passed so quickly without any excitement.

"Oh yes, my love bug, it is lunch and me and bubba are extremely hungry," She said as she played with his collar before leaving him standing and going up to the conference room, "For two different things entirely."

It didn't take long for Derek to rush into the room and claim his seat next to his wife, the rest of the team already following in hot pursuit.

It was as they finished eating that Penelope sat back with a sigh, "She's certainly got a party or two going on," Penelope commented as she ran a hand over her stomach to try and calm the baby in her stomach. She shifted as a foot hit her hand and she hopped the slight shift would calm her completely.

"She being a busy body?" Rossi asked as she watched Penelope squirm in her seat.

"Always," Penelope laughed as she thought to the nights her and Derek watched the baby move about in her stomach.

"She is going to be a hyper little girl when she's born," Derek mused with a smirk as he try to help calm the baby.

"She certainly is, Handsome," Penelope replied with a bright expectant future. "We're gonna have to wear her out."

"Hang on," Emily interrupted, using her fork to point at them both. "You both keep saying girl, before you used to challenge one another with the possibility of it being a boy. Now you're not." Emily trailed off before looking at JJ and smiling.

"You're having a daughter!" They both said excitedly together.

Penelope nodded, "Wanna see something amazing?" She asked them and saw them nod. "She's been nothing but a buzz of activity lately and right now she is having a party. I do not lie," Penelope relaxed back in her chair and pulled her top her so her stomach was on show.

Everyone watched intently and looked in awe as what could only be described as a lump moved over from one side of Penelope's stomach to the other. There was a pause, but Penelope didn't pull her shirt down, not when she could feel the baby readying to move about more.

They couldn't help but laugh as they watched the next member of clan at that moment. She might not have been visible like they were to one another, but she didn't relent in letting them know she was there.

"Oh we have a booty shaker here!" Penelope told them as what could only be made out the outline of the baby's bottom.

"That's my girl," Derek commented as he watched Penelope's hand. It seemed that since Penelope and he had found out they were having a little girl as they were quite convinced the activity in Penelope's stomach was nonstop and phenomenal. "She knows I like my girls with a bit of a booty and good rhythm."

"Yeah and it'll be the reason she's locked up until she's thirty," Penelope teased him.

Derek looked at her, bright smile, teasing eyes, "Forty – just to be safe."

Penelope laughed at that as the baby shifted again and she pulled the front of her top down and over her stomach.

"I'm quite happy to have a party girl on my hands," Emily told them with a cheerful grin. "Means when I baby sit it's going to be a mini party for us."

"Well it's the closest she'll get to one until she's at least my age," Derek chucked in again protectively. "What with her mamma being so beautiful she'll have no other choice but to look like her and bat off the attention."

Penelope swatted Derek playfully as everyone laughed and she blushed.

Hotch's cell rang moments later, disrupting the vibe and ease that was filling up in the conference room. They listened to him and from the look on his face and the tone of his voice they knew they'd caught a case.

It was just amazing to see how quickly they could switch from their personal life to their professional as though it were like blinking.

The one thing Penelope couldn't help but get personal over was watching them all leave to head to Illinois leaving her there alone – yet again.

Not even Derek's goodbye kiss could keep at bay her negative emotions from taking over.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Hey," Penelope said after the voicemail beeped at her. "I just called to say I want you home so bad, Handsome. I'm trying so hard to be okay with the cases and the baby, but I can't do this alone. I'm trying to fix things and I can't. I can't fix this damn crib together and I feel like we have next to no time left and I just want you home."

The voicemail bleeped at her again and the options rang out. The moment she was given the option to record the message again she hit the button and planted a small smile on her lips. Derek was on a case, he was doing his job, he wasn't to blame that he wasn't there. She needed to grip her hormones and get over this wave of depression.

"Hey Hot Stuff," Penelope said faking her chirpiness as the bleep came again. She wiped her eyes as she spoke again, "I just thought I'd drop you a call and tell you that me and Jelly Bean are actually lame at trying to build a crib." She laughed a little to defuse her emotions, "Don't roll your eyes me at me either. I know you. Come home soon, Handsome. You're missed. Love you."

She closed her cell phone and sat in silence for a moment. She was reflecting on this moment. She looked at the crib as it lay incomplete on the floor and she bit her lip. She just wished she could have Derek here to swoop into the room and build the crib and she would settle knowing another thing was ready for their little girl.

Getting up she felt her daughter move for the umpteenth time and headed to the en suite in the master bedroom. She put the water on and added the bubbles. She was going to relax and indulge before she welcomed the softness of the sheets and snuggle down into the bedding.

"We're having a bath and going to bed, Baby," Penelope spoke to her little girl. Ever since she had gotten pregnant, Hotch had made sure that Penelope stopped with the all nighters on long cases and this evening had been no exception. Lack of sleep and stress of the case would only have an adverse effect on her body and everyone was out to help her avoid that.

She had done her bit for the team and handed over to another tech before leaving for that night. As soon as she was home she had eaten to satisfy her hunger and her baby's before trying to suss out some of the baby furniture. Now, with that failing, she wanted a bath and whole night's sleep before it all began again in the morning.

The moment she sunk into the bed she fell asleep. Her body and mind finally at rest for the meanwhile.

Her mind hadn't even taken note of the massive dip in the bed. The first thing to alert her that her husband was finally home was his smell – his natural odour with that of his aftershave and deodorant. She smiled as he then spoke to her and slowly she opened her eyes sleepily as he got into the bed and pulled her close his chest, her still facing the other way.

"I built the crib by the way," Derek murmured as he snuggled down into the duvets with Penelope. "Couldn't let my two baby girls down."

Penelope flashed her eyes to the time. It was literally the middle of the night as the clocked ticked closer to three AM and he had come home from a case and fixed the crib together.

She smiled.

She was having words with her hormones in the morning for ever making her doubt that Derek would ever neglect her and their baby when she knew otherwise.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	31. Baring The Brunt

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So you're getting sporadic updates for the meantime! I have it all planned, but no time to write! Sometime's life just takes over! =/ Thanks for the reviews, alerts and favourites though and I hope you enjoy what's to come!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You're waddling," Derek commented amused as he watched Penelope pottering around in the living room. He had watched as he had sipped is morning coffee her going back and forth as she got her things together.

"Do not even tell me that. I feel fat and ugly without being told I'm starting to waddle like a duck," Penelope said as she halted in the doorway as she passed it again.

Derek put his cup down and pushed off of the counter top and went towards her, his ran his hands over her hips and down around her back, looping his arms around her perfectly. "What if I was to tell you that you made an incredibly sexy duck?"

"An ugly duck," She fought back at him still unimpressed.

Shaking his head he began to kiss into her neck, "A sexy duck. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. My wife," He finished telling her as he pulled back and dotted a kiss to her lips.

Penelope licked her lips, "I cannot wait to drink coffee again." She muttered and hooked her arms around his neck as she looked up at him, "You are so getting brownie points my absolutely handsome husband of mine." Dropping her gaze, they separated and Penelope lifted her top, "Look how big it's gotten."

Derek didn't look as he walked away and tried to grab his piece of toast, his coffee and attempt to get ready for work as he knew they were pushed for time all at once.

"Look at this bump," Penelope spoke as she turned to her side so Derek had a better view as she ran her hands over her bump, pulling the cloth of her maternity top tight to her stomach. "I swear it just got this big."

Smirking boyishly, Derek dropped the toast and forgot about the coffee and stepped across the small space separating them. He knelt down and ran his hands over her bulging stomach. "It's beautiful. Hey baby, you make a gorgeous bump on mamma." Derek then leaned in and whispered the final part, "Just make your entrance snappy."

"You're such a sap," Penelope said as she pushed Derek's head down playfully. "I swear you're the one getting the brunt of the baby hormones not me."

Chuckling, Derek straightened up, "It's called being in love, Baby." He started to tell her as he pulled her close to his body. "I'm in love with my wife and I'm in love with daughter already." He kissed her delicately then, "And I intend to love both of you for many, many years to come."

"Don't think we're stopping at just one," Penelope pointed at to him. "I know our genes would make perfect babies, but I never anticipated for this type of perfection to come with it."

"Mmm, well you got it and you deserve it," Derek told her and stole another kiss before pulling her into kitchen. "Now you need to eat because my girls need to and we need to get to work."

Penelope groaned, she was not in the mood for work today. Yet she obeyed and ate breakfast as Derek got ready completely before getting them to work on reasonable time. She then literally watched the day go past sluggishly as she daydreamed about being curled up on the couch, or in bed.

Anywhere that would be more comfortable than her computer chair.

She got her wish when she got up to go get a drink and walked in just as Hotch declared they had a new case. She sighed a little to herself, but went to stand with the gathering group, Derek opposite her, her baby being to cause a nuisance on her body as her back ached and she felt a little uneasy.

"Do you want to take a seat, Penelope?" Hotch asked as he looked at Penelope standing there uncomfortably.

"No I'm fine standing for the moment," Penelope said as she put her hand to her back to ease it some. "It's just a little back ache that's all. I'm sure I'll be sitting in a minute because you look ready to shoot out of here, Boss Man."

"Sure?" He asked her again and watched her nod before exchanging looks with not only Derek, but Rossi as well. He looked back at the team and told them what was needed of them. What Strauss was putting them through this time, and even thought it was a case, it was still a high profiled briefing that was asked of them.

"Garcia, you just need to do some standard searches as back up," Hotch ordered Penelope and saw her nod with recognition to her job at hand.

"Yeah, I can star-" Penelope stopped and put a hand to her stomach.

"Garcia? Are you okay?" Hotch asked as he noted Penelope's sudden silence midway through her sentence.

"Baby," Derek said as he stepped in from the other side of their circle.

"I think- I think I'm having contractions," Penelope told them and looked up fearful and tried to breathe through the pain. However scared she was she knew she just needed to do what her prenatal classes had taught her.

JJ stepped in, looking at Hotch to see if he had experiences like this when Haley had been pregnant. "It could be Braxton Hicks contraction, Pen," She told Penelope calmly.

"It's too early to be anything else," Penelope said still as fearful as ever. "I've still got two months." She scrunched her face up again in pain and she felt Derek support her with one arm as he took her hand so she could grab it tightly. "Derek," She started weakly, her voice trembling with her terror.

"It's okay, Baby Girl. We'll get you to the hospital and see what they say about it," Derek told her soothingly, he wasn't ready to lose his cool just yet.

"Don't panic," JJ stepped in and took Penelope's hand, guiding her up to her office. She could feel her friends hesitance, "If that's your only one then it's Braxton Hicks. My midwife told me that if you didn't have more than four within an hour then you weren't in labour."

"What if I am?" Penelope fretted as she sat down.

JJ smirked, "I've been there, done that and got the son to prove it, Pen." She watched as Derek sat down next to Penelope. She then looked to Penelope's worried face, "I have a few tricks."

"Gonna share?" Penelope asked lowly, scared to speak up and spark anymore 'contractions'.

"Lay down on your left side," JJ advised Penelope and took her hand to move her. "Have you drunken enough today?"

"Not as much as usual," Penelope told JJ as she tried to get comfortable.

"Right, I'm going to get a glass of water for you," JJ told her and looked at Derek with a serious look. "Get her comfortable."

"On it," Derek told her as if he needed telling twice.

"I'll get the drink," Hotch said and turned to leave, "Go up into the conference room, we still have a case regardless."

Everyone listened and headed out; leaving Derek to tend to Penelope and JJ followed Hotch. She wasn't quite ready to leave Penelope's side for the moment.

"Hotch I know we just caught a case, but can I sit out?" JJ asked as she followed Hotch to get the drink. "You know how nervous she is with this pregnancy as it is. I just think she needs someone who's had the first hand experience."

"I understand, JJ," Hotch told her calmly. "I'm leaving Derek here just in case too. I want her home to rest a bit more than she has been." He said as he filled a glass of water for Penelope. "Do you think you and Derek would be okay with over the phone consults?"

"More than up for that," JJ agreed calmly. She was glad to be here and do something to help as well as work the case and be seen as a help. "I think she needs to stay put for a bit, just to make sure these pass and then head to hers and Derek's."

"Good idea," Hotch said as he passed her the drink.

Heading back, both separated. Hotch went into the conference room to aid the case and JJ went into her office to aid her best friend's worries.

Looking up from the file, JJ and Derek saw Penelope walking up from her light dose she had fallen into. Immediately picking up on the change in the atmosphere, the tension gone, the need to worry dispersing and Penelope looked more at ease. Her hand rubbing over the baby bump more for consolation than to calm early labour like earlier.

"It's Braxton Hicks," JJ seemed to confirm less an hour later as Penelope hadn't even so much as jerked or twisted with a pain.

Derek looked from JJ to Penelope before going to crouch down next to her, "See," He said, his tone still as cool and collected as it had been. "You feeling any better?" Derek asked her, "You fell asleep for a bit."

Penelope slid herself, "A little," she told him and yawned. "What's happening about the case?"

Smirking, Derek pushed a piece of hair out of her face, "We're heading home. You to rest a little; JJ and I to work over the phone." He calmed her more and more, "So chill." He told her finally and saw her nod shortly at him

"Everything okay in here?" Hotch asked as he stood in the doorway. He got a few head nods and smiled a little. "We're heading out, so we thought it'd be about time to get you home too."

"Is that going to go down well with Strauss?" Penelope asked cautiously.

"I think your health is a higher priority Penelope," JJ pointed out as she packed up her things and readied her phone to call Will and tell him where she'd be if he needed her for the rest of the day.

"Back in a day or two, Penelope," Hotch advised her sternly. "I don't want you near this place at all tomorrow."

"For now back to waddling for you," Derek said as Penelope got up off the couch and left ready to go home. He loved how easily she gave up the fight now. She knew everyone wouldn't be putting her in a bubble and mollycoddling her so she accepted their support and help easily.

"That's not going to get you into any good books," Penelope told him, following on from their chat earlier that day. She walked out of the room, following the team as they headed out. JJ and Derek staying with her, the others heading off at long last now they were completely ready and briefed.

"Plus I get you in the bed more than ever right now," He told her seductively as he caught up to her immediately, looping his arm around her waist as they walked around.

"Oh," Penelope said with a smirk as they got closer to the team as they waited by the elevator, "That'll get you into _my_ good books for sure, Handsome."

Derek chuckled and pulled her closer, kissing her temple as they walked. He really didn't want an uneventful life after having this.

It might only have been their seventh month into pregnancy, but their baby was already proving just how much of a handful she was planning on being as well.

_Just like her mother_, Derek had thought.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	32. The Greatest Happiness

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So I got a really nasty review from an anonymous source – if you're reading this, __**Hi!**__ – and well my muse bit back and wrote a load of awesome new stuff... and this finally got a chance to be written too! _

_Thanks for the reviews, sorry about the delay and enjoy! _

_(Apologies for the mistakes, they are all my own – I didn't read this through properly like normal!)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Mmm mm," Derek near enough groaned as he watched his wife. "That is one hot ass you still have, Mamacita."

"Glad you like the view," Penelope spoke strained as she worked the gentle yoga moves to try and shift some of the discomfort in her body. He hadn't seen her for near enough a fortnight and this sight was possibly his best hello. "Least someone's seeking the benefits of this." She added as she straightened up, giving up on the exercise. "I've been doing that for over half an hour and it's only just worked."

Putting her hand to her back, she waddled towards the kitchen uncomfortably. She went to fridge and grabbed the ingredients to start dinner. She might well be into her eight month of this pregnancy and she might well have been on maternity leave, but she was not for slowing down any time soon and she wouldn't until she physically couldn't move.

"You want me to cook tonight?" Derek asked as he came up behind her, hindering her handy work at preparing it all.

"I might be about a mile away from the counter top, but I am fully capable of cooking, Handsome," Penelope told him as he made her put the knife down and turned her so her back was to the food and she was facing him.

"I'm home now," Derek stating the obvious, "You've had to fend for yourself for the past ten days I think it's time your husband did some pay back." He then stole a kiss, his first in the past couple of days. As he pulled back he noted how tired she was looking and immediately he frowned. "You told me you've been sleeping."

Penelope gave him a smile, "I have," She saw his disbelieving look, "During the day."

"Oh that's why I haven't been able to get a hold of you during the day is it?" Derek asked her with one of his eyebrows cocked up. "You get me to worry too much."

"Sorry Shug, but I won't disturb your sleeping pattern at night when you're on a case. You need all the energy you can get to fight the baddies."

"If my wife's up during the night I don't mind talking to her back to sleep. Even singing her a lullaby to get her to sleep, I wouldn't care," Derek told her truthfully, almost amused by the ideas.

"You sing?" Penelope questioned incredulously, "No offense Handsome, but your knowledge of lullabies is extremely limited and your voice doesn't qualify you as a tenor."

"Hey," Derek said as he grabbed her sides playfully and attacked her with kisses and nibbles making her giggle and push him away. "I would do anything to help you sleep."

"Well," She started as she pushed him away a little. "Our little girl is going to be stealing a lot of nights sleep so you can use me to learn your lullabies," She teased him lightly, "Plus, I know for a fact that our daughter loves the sound of daddy's voice."

"Really?" He asked her dubiously as he watched her.

She nodded at him, "Yup, she always kicks when she hears you and the team. If it's a stranger she doesn't make any sort of movement. As soon as you lot are around she starts to have her own little party. I think that means she's going to be right on date if she likes you lot this much."

Derek chuckled, he was excited that she would be early or on date. He didn't think he could cope with her being late and he didn't think Penelope could cope with the anticipation of waiting longer than she already had had to.

"Now let me cook or she's going to be kicking the hell out of me for making her wait," Penelope joked as she could feel her stomach getting ready to rumble with hunger.

"I know one thing I'm doing after dinner," Derek said as he grabbed the wok from the cupboard ready for them to make the rest of dinner.

"What's that, Handsome?" She asked as she picked the knife back up and continued to chop the vegetables.

"I'm getting you to sleep after dinner and I'll make sure you sleep all night," Derek vowed as he kissed her once more and began to help her get the dinner started.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Gonna let me try and get you to sleep through the night?" Derek asked Penelope lightly. He didn't want her to have yet another sleepless night and even though she had fallen asleep on the couch with him after dinner he knew he could still get her to sleep. "I think it's just me you need."

Smiling gently, Penelope looked forward to bed already, "Sounds like bliss. I want to sleep when your daughter does, not when I force her to."

"Let's get you two to bed then," Derek told her and took her hand in his and took her up the stairs and into their bedroom.

Stepping out of his jeans and shirt, Derek stood in just his boxers, now almost ready to go to bed. He turned to Penelope as she turned the sheets and quilt down and threw the spare pillows and cushions to the side.

"Right I'm just going to brush my teeth and I'll be back to tuck you in," He teased her, stealing one last glimpse of her before going into the bathroom.

As he grabbed his toothbrush he looked at his reflection in the mirror. He caught a glimpse of the tiredness on his face, but that didn't seem to matter to him anymore. He was happy, happy to be tired, to be married, to being_ tied_ down. He loved the commitment. For once Derek felt like he had full purpose to his life. He was a player, a Casanova and he certainly was lonely. He had the greatest richest in the world and tomorrow seemed to be the greatest gift than the present. Now as he looked at his life, he had excitement, he had happiness and something he guessed he had always searched high and low for, he had love.

At the end of the day, he had Penelope.

It didn't matter what they had been through. The past was the past. He might have almost lost her and had watched her go through her lowest moments in her life, but he had stuck it out and done what was right. He had stuck by her and listened with his heart instead of his head and now he realised he had won.

Even while brushing his teeth, the toothpaste foam going everywhere, he couldn't stop smiling at his entire universe as it revolved around him.

"_Haaandsome_!" Penelope shouted out to him. "Me and Jelly Bean have a surprise for you," Penelope called out from the bedroom as Derek finished brushing his teeth. "I think you should come and unwrap it."

Walking out, he couldn't help but stop dead in his tracks and laugh at what was bestowed before his eyes. Penelope sat on the edge of the bed, and even though she had a complex against her body she sat with a painted red bow across it. From what he could make out she had gone all out as the fake red ribbon seemed to tie all the way around her body.

"One of the girl's down at the centre helped me," Penelope told him, all of sudden she felt impish as she sat there. She didn't feel sexy at all, but Derek's glance at her made her feel somewhat sexual and empowered. "I joked about doing something for you when you came home and this was what we decided." She laughed a little nervously, "You like?"

"Mm," He said as he stepped towards her, "If only I could _unwrap_ you." He told her, not sure if she wanted to push this further than kisses.

"Mamma's always ready to be unwrapped," She near enough purred at him seductively telling him she was ready to allow him to sate her. After all, she was near enough in need for him, yearning to feel him completely fulfil her as he had done so many times before now. "You know you're allowed and, God, this wife has been left unattended for far too long."

Derek pulled Penelope up, she might have slept most of the remaining day away, but now she seemed pretty much wide away.

It didn't take long for Penelope to allow Derek to push her back to the mattress and as he rested over her, gentle not to squash her, and kissed her – making up for the ten day separation they had both been subjected to.

It didn't take long for the paint on Penelope's stomach to be smudged, her hair messed up, her bra and knickers discarded, Derek's boxer to be thrown to the side. As soon as Penelope took over and showed that she was ready, the lust escalated and the passion exploded.

When they were on the cool down, the sun had set completely and Penelope watched Derek running circles across her stomach. Derek had never expected to be so turned on by his pregnant wife, but when they were given the okay by the doctor he hadn't held back when Penelope had instigated.

They both looked at one another as they heard Clooney begin to pine at the bottom of the stairs.

Derek was first to move as he got up, leaving Penelope where she lay.

"How about round two when I get back, Baby?" Derek asked as he pulled his boxers on to run down and sort out Clooney as he sat at the bottom of the stairs whining.

Penelope turned over, the sheets clinging to her pregnant form, she stretched, "I'll be ready and waiting."

"Good," Derek told her and shot her a smirk before running downstairs. He grabbed the dog by the collar and pulled him to the backdoor and let him out making a mental note to let him back in before settling down entirely for the night.

Taking two steps at a time as he ran back up to the bedroom, he ran back into the room, "You best be more than ready, Goddess." He called out as he entered.

He got his answer as soon as he saw Penelope curled up with her pillow sound asleep. He had to chuckle to himself at that. For near enough weeks she had told him how she hadn't slept during the night, only the day, and the one time he was home to truly worship her and make her feel beautiful she fell asleep before midnight.

Counting his lucky stars that he actually got some action – more than what some men he had met got – he crawled onto his side and pulled her close.

Immediately feeling her curl into his body and settling against him he realised he didn't need sex to make this marriage work.

He just needed his wife and child.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	33. Forever And A Day

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So I got another nasty review =/ And this week has been so up and down my muse doesn't know if it's coming or going! So enjoy this chapter and I hope to get some more of this written! For now I hope you enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Urgh," Penelope moaned as she got off of the bed. She was uncomfortable and moody and not in any way, shape, or form enjoying this pregnancy anymore. At forty one weeks she was ready to reclaim her body and her life and be able to hold her baby.

She took each new step heavier than the last, hoping the jarring would jolt this labour into action rather than leaving her to get more and more overdue as the time passed.

So she continued to go along with her mental theory that heavy footing would work.

_Thump._

_Thump_

_Thump._

"I can hear you coming from all the way in the kitchen, Baby," Derek said as he walked up the corridor to meet her at the bottom of the stairs. "Thumping about is not going to get that baby out."

"I like to think it helps," Penelope told him as she carried on down the remaining stairs and then stood just in front of him.

"She will just dig her heels in even more you know that right?" He asked her with a knowing smirk, "She's too much like her mamma already so I think it's wise you give her time."

"She's had time," Penelope argued back, "Nine months worth of time."

Chuckling he watched her as she stood in her boldly coloured floral pyjama bottoms and a vest down over her baby bump. Her belly button very prominently showing through. He had never thought he could see a more beautiful sight in his life. He guess it was because he found her pregnant body alluring and right now he knew he was on limited time to worship it. As that thought nestled in he realised that even after this he would get her former body back – the one that had one part of him over years ago.

He didn't care how she looked. He loved her however she looked.

"What's up?" She asked him, noting that something wasn't right with him. That he looked so plagued by something.

"I need to talk to you about this deal that Strauss offered," Derek told her and ran a hand over his brow. He wanted to take this offer, but he also wanted to stick close by Penelope's side. "I mean, you're due any day and even though it sounds a good deal I just don't know. I like the idea of having extra time by working all the way up until you the very moment you go into labour, but I don't want to miss anything."

"If you've gotta work, you gotta work. I won't be far, nor will this little girl," Penelope told him honestly as she rubbed her stomach. "Plus the She Wolf will never issue such a good deal so make the deal with the devil herself and have a little extra time to have fun getting used to this life once our baby's born."

"You're too good you know that?" Derek asked as he put his hand out to her so he could loop his arms around her body.

Smirking she stretched up for a kiss, "I'm only like this to people who deserve it." She told him and kissed him again, lavishing the taste of his coffee tainted lips.

"Enough, please, brother in the room here," Joel spoke up as he came out to see what was keeping them. He had known that Derek was going to help Penelope, but hadn't expected him to take so long.

"You're in the Morgan household, J, expect nothing but love," Penelope told her brother as she remained against Derek's chest, but was now looking at her brother.

"Oh believe me," Joel started. "I know full well it's the Morgan household. I just can't help but feel sorry for your kids." He joked with them and watched Penelope laugh, "I think therapy will be on their Christmas lists in the future."

"Hush up," Penelope joked as she stepped away from Derek and pushed her brother into the living room. "So what's to do? I think I saw a smudge on the top kitchen window."

"You've been over that same _smudge_ fifteen times, Pen," Joel joked, he had only been in the same state two days and had never seen his sister clean so much. "I get that you're nesting, but going up step ladders and stretching at dangerous angles are not ways to get a baby out. I might not be a woman, but I think even your husband would agree with me that that isn't a wise idea."

"Oh believe me I more than agree with you," Derek told him as he watched Penelope look around for something to be out of place and in need of cleaning. The problem was, the house was spotless. She had well and truly nested, but just didn't have the baby to join it yet. "I think it's time we got you sitting," Derek told Penelope as he stepped over to her and took her hand, "I know you want this baby out now, but I won't have you climbing the walls to do so."

"I think if I just walk about it might work," Penelope tried to go against Derek's wishes, her tone hopeful. "I've been getting twitches all night, maybe that's the beginning."

"Don't force this," Derek shut her ideas down. "You know everything's all good, the midwife said so yesterday. We just need to let this run its course until it's time."

"Or until they induce me," Penelope quipped and rested her hand to her back and walked over to the couch.

"Or until then," Derek agreed. "Need anything?"

"I don't know, Handsome," Penelope near enough groaned at him. She wanted everything and nothing all at once. Come the end of it, she had no idea what she wanted. "Bring me a drink maybe?"

"Course, Gorgeous," Derek commented and kissed her before going towards the kitchen.

Sinking down further into the cushions, she looked at her oversized stomach and patted it. "I think you've lived rent free for far too long, Sugar Cube. It's time you come out and meet your mamma," She spoke to her oversize bulgy belly as she lay slumped against the couch, her feet up on the coffee table in front of her.

"And Daddy," Derek told her as he came into the living room. He handed her the cup and smiled as Penelope gave him an odd look, "Raspberry tea." He watched her take the cup warily, "I read ways to start labour too y'know? I had this waiting out there."

Penelope huffed a low laugh as she took a sip the moment she could, "Well most of them don't work so how do we know this will?" Penelope asked dejectedly, "I mean the best is to eat a spicy curry. I've craved spice all through this pregnancy so that doesn't even affect me."

"There'll be one that will work," Derek told her confidently as he said down on the coffee table.

"Or you let her be like her mother, and she'll be ready when she's ready," Joel said as he entered the room with his and Derek's drinks.

"That could take a while," Penelope mumbled to herself. She then perked up and looked at Derek, ignorant of her brother. "They always say sex is a good way to start labour."

"Please," Joel stopped them dramatically. "I know you want that baby out, but really, when I'm in the house? Is that really fair?"

"Is it fair that your niece uses me as a halfway house?" Penelope asked back. She smirked as Joel thought for a moment and she looked at her drink, she hadn't realised she had drunk it quite as fast as she had. "I love rending your silent," She quipped and finished the drink off entirely.

"First time for everything," He joked back. Joel grabbed the mug from Penelope's hand as she tried to sit up and put it down, "I've got it," He told her and once he had put it down he moved to sit with her. "She's really not ready to meet us all yet," Joel said as he sat down heavily next to her and saw Penelope frown at his heaviness. "I was hoping it'd wake that baby up to realise it's hello time. Uncle Joel can get _really_ impatient."

"Definitely a Garcia trait, but no, not today, J," Penelope said as she coursed her hand over her stomach. "Not today."

"It won't be long," Joel told her as though he knew what she was going through. "Won't be long at all."

Not holding her brother's optimism, Penelope almost growled as she tried to relax and stop her from sulking, but it was getting increasingly hard, "I'm going to be pregnant forever."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	34. Distractions of Love

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Okay, so mega long chapter here guys! I hope you enjoy this - it's definitely got a new thing to happen in it! Thanks as always! =)_

_(All mistakes are mine as per, but this time I haven't checked like I would usually, so beware!)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"She makes no sign of entering this world and then she gets threatened with being induced and still she doesn't make an appearance," Penelope gripped her brothers hand as they waited on Derek, "And then the day before we have to make our way to the hospital she wants out. Right when I'm in the middle of getting everything ready; and right when Derek's getting ready to finish up at work."

"She likes the drama," Joel joked with her as he tried his hardest to be a support and a good stand in while Derek rushed in from work. He watched her sit on the edge of the bed, prepped and ready for what was to come and he never thought he'd see the air of calm around her like he was.

Penelope put her head to his body, it hitting him where his rib cage finished and the soft of his stomach started as she gritted her teeth with a contraction.

Joel felt his sister's hands tighten their already vice like grip on his forearms as she held him for strength. When the grip loosened he began to distract her again, "Plus there was nothing to get ready, you were unpacking to repack," Joel quipped making Penelope laugh as the contraction died.

Sitting back, Penelope ran a hand over her stomach. "I wished I hadn't been so God damn understanding," Penelope told her brother closing her eyes praying that Derek would just burst in through the day. "The ice queen probably loves this," She commented as she felt her nerves begin to break more and more as the clocked ticked on. "That or hating Derek for not being able to stay a whole day."

"She can't be that heartless," Joel said and watched Penelope shoot him a look, "Surely?"

"Believe me she is the devil's wife that woman," She said as she seemed to be free of everything right at that moment. She was trying to keep her emotions at bay and it was working.

Until her next contraction broke the record and hit her body faster than the last one had. Now she really wished Derek was around.

"Where the hell is my husband?" Penelope asked rhetorically, gritting her teeth together, her grip on the bedding and not on Joel.

Walking for her the contraction to break again, he stepped in and took her hand in his. He couldn't conjure Derek there, or morph into him, but he could be the brother that Penelope had come to depend on so much over the last year.

"He's near," Joel told her and he had the feeling that it wouldn't be too long until Derek turned up. He just hoped it wasn't forever before he arrived because even he knew this baby wouldn't hold out.

Joel noticed that there seemed to be a lull in the contractions all of a sudden. They were steadying out again and staying that way and he could see Penelope's mind running miles over the problems. He did his best, used the midwives to his advantage and tried to remain the stoic big brother that he had vowed to be if this came to this.

"What if something goes wrong, Joel?" Penelope started to fret all of a sudden after the midwife had left them again. Her mind casting her back to her miscarriage, reminding her at how precious this life was and how easily it could be snatched away. "What if something happens and Derek's not here?"

"Everything's running just fine, Pen," Joel told her as he tried to relax her. "He is coming from work, not from California like our other three." He commented on the rush her brothers has put on to get to Quantico after being dropped a text. He heard her laugh strained as she listened to him, "Everything is running perfectly smooth and it will continue to do so."

"Ever the optimistic," Penelope almost grunted as she shifted a little, her hand refusing to lose Joel's hand. She hadn't let go off it since the midwives had allowed him back into the room and she wouldn't. Not until Derek could take it.

"She's been a little ball of activity for the last couple of months, I think it's time she gave you an easy ride and just came along already," Joel continued to speak, stealing every ounce of Penelope's attention until Derek could occupy it.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Running into the hospital, he almost shouted at the main reception asking where he had to. He knew full well where the maternity part of the hospital was, but his mind was still at his desk at work as his body had got him here.

Derek cursed his work as he was finally given the direction and ran for the stairs, avoiding the elevator all together. Knowing his luck it would break down with him in it and he would miss everything he had waited so long on. He hadn't wanted to go in, but he had been given the deal to work on and off until the birth of his baby and then have a little while longer off after her birth. He had jumped at the opportunity and had vowed to be no longer than necessary.

Penelope being Penelope had done her normal and understood, finding the pro's to outweigh the cons and he hadn't missed a thing. Well that was until he had gotten the phone call from Penelope to say her waters had broke.

He could never go against Penelope. She was always so understanding at anything, always so willing to wait, always so pushy when she needed to be. She was a formidable force – one not to be reckoned with.

However, after this, he was going to reckon with it every chance he got.

He ran down the corridor and hit the desk top urgently, "My wife, Penelope Morgan, she was brought in an hour ago." He said and even as the nurse went to speak he felt like it wasn't close enough, "Where's my wife?"

The nurse smiled, she had seen a fair few expectant families, "Room just behind you to the left." She told him coolly, "She's doing well, but maybe you can help calm her down. Someone will be in, in a minute to check her over."

Derek nodded and smiled as he now knew he wasn't too late, that he hadn't missed this. He bolted from the desk with a thanks and headed into the room and saw the back of his brother in law and heard his wife grit out her worries.

"Nothing can ever run smoothly," Penelope ground out emotionally. "Nothing in my life can do that."

"You're just being irrational now," Joel scolded her, unaware of Derek's presence.

"I'm too nice for my own good and it just comes around and bites me on my ass," Penelope continued to speak, "That's my problem."

Joel furrowed his brown, "I don't understand what's brought this on. Wanna explain this to me?"

"Kevin," She said as she relaxed back down, "I decided to be nice and give him a second chance and he almost destroyed what should have been the most untouchable thing in my life. I know I shouldn't let it get to me so long after, but sometimes it just rears its ugly head and won't leave me alone."

Joel's brow furrowed, he knew Penelope had moments where she reflected on her past. "Why now?"

"I guess it's because I lost mine and Derek's last baby once, I'm just waiting for something to happen again," Penelope said and looked up into her brother's eyes. "Life wouldn't be that unfair to me would it?"

"No, Baby Girl, it wouldn't be," Derek spoke up from the doorway. He might have been away from her, but he had expected some form of past emotions to creep up as this pregnancy came towards its finale.

"Derek," Penelope breathed out as her brother stepped aside and she couldn't help but feel her doubts disperse.

"This baby is gonna be our baby and we're gonna love her as much as the baby we lost," Derek told her as he stepped into the room. "Our first go wasn't out time to have that baby and I think with what happened it's a good thing a baby wasn't brought into that. Now we have the perfect life to bring out daughter into and she will be loved above any other child in this world."

"You're here," Was all Penelope was able to say as her lip began to tremble at his proclamation.

Smirking Derek went over to her and met her half way in an embrace, he then kissed her quickly before looking at her properly, "Of course I'm here. I have nowhere else I'd rather be right at this moment in my life."

"I'm glad you're here that's for sure," Joel appreciated quickly as he felt the tension leave his body at the impending birth of his niece that he would've potentially have watched.

"Thanks," Derek began calmly, "For keeping her calm and being here when I couldn't."

"It's nothing," Joel said with a bright grin on his lips, "Now, you listen to your husband and don't think about anything but that little bundle of joy. You hear me?"

"I hear ya," Penelope replied, a little bashful of her display of vulnerability.

"On that note, I'm going to see where everyone is," Joel told them and went and gave Penelope a kiss. "See you in a bit, Kiddo."

"The team should be coming by in a bit, they have work still so no guarantee when they'll be here," Derek called out, "But I'll keep you updated if you wanna head back to the house?"

"Oh no," Joel replied immediately, "There is no way I am leaving this hospital until I get to see my niece."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Distract me," Penelope said as she paced the length of the corridor. Her breathing harsh, but she refused to slow in her pacing. She'd been advised to move, to walk, to even bounce on the ball and so she was listening.

It was either do one of those three or lay in the bed and wait and allow her terror to manifest like it had already done so.

"What?" Derek asked, he was completely full of nerves, "How?"

"Tell me a story," Penelope said as she grabbed onto the side rail and bent forward, Derek standing to the side. When the contraction subsided a little Penelope looked at Derek and went to him, "A story, or a memory. Anything, please, Handsome."

Derek felt panic stricken for a moment, paralysed as his mind rallied stories he had heard from his mom, ones he had heard read to Henry, anything that would trigger anything and he thought of one.

His own story to getting here with Penelope.

It involved a man, a woman and a monster after all. He loved Penelope and Kevin had tried to destroy it. _Perfect_.

He felt like he was killing two birds with one stone. He would be distracting his wife how she had asked and he could mould the story that had Penelope panicking and show her that everyone gets their happy endings after a dramatic turn of events.

"You ready for this, Baby Girl?" He asked her simply.

"I was ready five minutes ago, Sugar Lips," Penelope told him as she paced the small gap between each wall of the corridor.

Chuckling, he began, "Once upon a time, there was a lonely knight-"

"Typical," Penelope grunted at him and rolled her eyes.

"Hush up, woman, this is my story," Derek scolded her playfully, "Now do you want a story or not?"

"I want a story," She replied to him honestly and looked at him. "I won't distract you again."

"I know you will," He told her and made her laugh nervously at him; he could tell her nerves were bubbling he just hoped they wouldn't go much more than this.

"He wandered across kingdoms in search of his one true love, but he never found her. He knew she had to exist and just as he gave up his search she walked past him. He wouldn't have taken any notice of her at first, but the scent she left behind attracted him. He looked at her and she looked at him he felt his heart skip a beat. He knew right then that he had fallen head over heels for this stranger and he couldn't deny that he enjoyed how it felt.

"The maiden never expected the knight to love her quite so quickly and she never expected her heart to dance all the way into his possession without her at least getting a name first. She wasn't rich, nor did she find herself attractive enough. So why would a knight fall in love with someone like her? The thing she had to realise was that he did for the same reason she had for him. He didn't care about material worth, he fell in love with her the moment he met her and he knew she would be his before his very last breath.

"He showed her how much of a princess she was in his eyes and showed her he was serious about his commitment, but still it never seemed to be enough. She shied away from his affection and his advances as though she was scared to give her heart away. She didn't seem to realise how much of a precious element she was to him. Even as the weeks passed, she didn't take him seriously at all.

"Then one day, the news hit town that a dreaded monster had taken the maiden captive and was hiding her away in some far away land," Derek said as he shifted the mood from light and airy to dramatic.

"The knight realised he was powerless without his beloved maiden and he knew it was up to him to slay the monster and rescue her, to make her realise just how true his love for her was," Derek told her, impressed with how this was going still. "He knew if he were to be too late he would give himself up to the monster and join her. Nothing would keep them apart, not even death."

"Keep it happy, Handsome," Penelope joked, cutting in, "Our baby can hear all of this."

"It's all part of the story and at this rate I'm leaving books alone and using my life with you to make stories," Derek told her proudly as he tried to remember where he was in the story.

Penelope huffed a laugh tiredly, "Yeah, there's no way she's hearing those unless I've heard them first and child approved them."

"I will make sure I remember that," Derek told her with a grin on his lips, "Now can I continue?" He watched her nod at him and he took a breath before jumping back into the story.

"It was then that the old witch of the town spoke up, speaking of how she had cursed the family, especially the first born daughter. She had taken their wealth from them and cursed the daughter with a spell that meant that the moment she fell in love she would be taken away never to be seen again. The knight knew right then and there exactly why she had never given herself to him wholly and he knew exactly what he had to do."

Stopping the story, Derek listened to the nurse's silent gestures and guided Penelope to the bed. He helped her get comfortable, before he sat back down on the edge of the bed and continued.

"He had to slay the monster to ever see the love of his life again and only then would they live happily ever after. He went to the witch who realised what a mistake she had made and she told the knight exactly where the monster lived. Without fear, he jumped upon his white stallion and galloped off into the sunset. He didn't need more than his sword and the love for his maiden."

Derek looked down at Penelope as she watched him intently, her face still contorted with contraction pains, but she was engrossed and he knew he was doing his job right. It was then that he realised that the hubbub of nurses was picking up and he even noticed the doctor as she left and he knew it was getting to be the time he would meet his new baby girl.

"He rode for days to find the beast. Galloped through harsh weathers; through rushing waters; heavy forests, day and night. He wouldn't give up and the moment he set eyes on the monster his anger boiled. He saw the maiden fighting for freedom and he made his presence known. The monster turned from the maiden and went for the knight but he wasn't ready for the agility that the knight had accumulated, the stamina he had acquired, or the passion that was driving him.

"The knight killed the evil monster that had kept his fair maiden prisoner swiftly and with skill and swept the love of his life off of her feet," He told her as he leaned over her. Yet again he didn't get distracted as she felt a contraction ripple through her body and the urges to push became almost unrelenting. "They got married only days later, and moved into a huge castle and nine months later they had a little princess of their own. Since that day she was always his _queen_ and he was always her _noir hero in blood caked armoured,"_ He watched her smiled, albeit hard against the pain, but she was smiling at him. "And they lived happily ever after," Derek told her, his tone low and husky and he leaned in and kissed her delicately yet passionately.

"Forever," Penelope finished as she looked at him for clarification as the kiss ended and they separated.

"Forever," Derek finished completely and saw how calm she was as she really did reach the end of this labour. "_The End_."

He watched the midwife come in, this time with the doctor again and he watched as she checked Penelope over. "I think you're ready, Penelope," The midwife told her confidently only moments later and looked at the doctor and then to Penelope and Derek again with expectancy.

Taking a look at Derek and feeling his grip tighten ever so lightly, Penelope smiled, "I'm ready," she quickly agreed and smiled brighter, she really was now.

"Let's get this show on the road and get your little girl to meet the outside world," The doctor told them with a breeze of confidence.

Little did they know that as they prepared to welcome their newborn baby girl, Kevin Lynch was being prepared to be welcomed into the outside world _again_.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	35. Real Perfection

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So there is method to madness with Kevin, but beware of him... For now enjoy this chapter full of fluff and love =) Thanks as always for the reviews and favourites, guys!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

When Penelope woke up she could tell from the silence of everything that it was the middle of the night. It was confirmation when she saw the night sky outside and the artificial lights. She looked at Derek and smiled lightly as her heart blossomed in her chest.

There was Derek sound asleep, obviously forgotten was the cot that the nurse had brought in for him earlier. There asleep against his chest was their unnamed little girl. The sight before her was one she was never going to forget for however long she was alive. Not wanting to waste the moment though, she saw Derek's phone sitting on the bedside cabinet and grabbed it. It didn't taken her long to take a photo and then take in the image again with her eyes.

Leaning over, she pulled the little hat down over her daughter's head and then she rose her hand to stroke Derek's jaw line. Both the people in front of her were people she was determined to love and cherish forever and a day.

She settled down on her side and watched the pair in front of her. Her body aching from the subtle movements, but she wanted an easier position to absorb one of her most favourite visions.

It didn't take her long to fall into an easy sleep.

Not long after it seemed that Derek and Penelope switched roles as Derek sat awake watching both his wife and child.

Derek couldn't stop staring at his daughter once she was awake. He watched her as she opened her eyes and she stretched her little body in his arms, her tongue poking out intermittently. His eyes roamed over her tiny form. Her skin a perfect amalgamation of his skin tone and Penelope's. It was a shade lighter than his own, but it was definitely the perfect blend. Her hair - he was still shocked at how much she had! - was dark like his and his sisters were, but it was already soft like Penelope's and curly just the same. Her eyes opened again before fluttering shut slowly and he could see the hazel of them, but could see the blue tinge like Penelope's held at times.

His daughter was the perfect blend of his DNA and Penelope's.

Just like it was supposed to be.

He looked up as Penelope shifted uncomfortably in the bed. He watched her looked at him and break into a smile, "Hey," He whispered, showing how overwhelmed he still was at this new chapter of life.

"Hey back," She said softly, "How is she?" Penelope asked softly as she inspected her daughter as she sat up, adjusting the bed for comfort. She realised it was still dark out, but she didn't care at that moment.

"She's just perfect," Derek replied modestly. "You want to hold her?" Derek asked as he slowly woke up. He sat up a little, their baby making a gentle protest in his arms.

"I think she's happy where she is," Penelope responded lightly, she wasn't really ready to give up the sight of father and daughter.

Ignoring her, Derek stood up. "Here," He told her and began to lean in, showing her how he was ready to witness his wife and newborn daughter together for another time. "She's had attention from me for long enough. It's mamma's turn."

Taking her daughter gently, Penelope cradled her and sighed contently. "She really, really needs a name, Handsome," Penelope said as she soothed the little girl more and more. "She can't be Jelly Bean forever."

"Oh she sure can," Derek told her as he leaned in to look at his daughter again as though it were the first time. "I mean, you're going to be Baby Girl forever and I know how you wouldn't change that for the world."

"But I'm also Penelope outside of your little bubble," Penelope retorted with a small smirk. She noticed that her daughter had settled, "I think we need to decide when she's more awake. She needs some input into what she's going to be called forever and ever."

"Well then, for tonight she's Baby Morgan," Derek agreed promptly and put his arms out. "For now, you need your rest and she needs more sleep." He allowed Penelope to hand her over to him before he settled a little, not getting comfortable this time around. "She's truly amazing," Derek spoke up, his tone all choked up for a moment. "You will never know how grateful I am for you giving me such a thing as a daughter."

"Your smile tells me everything I need to know," Penelope replied honestly and settled back down. "I just want to get home now."

Derek huffed a laugh as he settled back down between his wife and daughter. It might have only been hours after she gave birth to one of his most prized possessions, but she was already raring to kick start this life.

"Real soon, Baby Girl," Derek told her as he looked to her. "Tomorrow if all is going well." Derek stood up and placed his daughter into her temporary bed and then over to Penelope, climbing onto the bed and taking her in his arms. He kissed her heavily, showing some of his gratitude. "For now you need to rest."

Penelope agreed as she slipped back to sleep in the arms of the one man that had loved her more than she ever thought possible.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope sat crossed legged on the bed later that morning, her daughter on the bed in front of her. She was now out of the hospital blanket and finally in her first ever outfit and Penelope couldn't help but smile brighter and brighter as she realised that this was truly real.

Watching Penelope clip up the final poppers to the side of his daughter's little pink dress, he thought of more names that would suit her perfectly. "We did like Sophie," Derek commented remembering seeing that in the book.

Penelope smiled and looked up at him, "It's so common though." Looking up she smiled thoughtfully, "Sophie Morgan does sound good," She then looked down at her daughter who made no other movement than a few leg kicks. "I don't think Jelly Bean liked that much though," The moment Penelope used the nickname their baby had been dubbed since conception she kicked up and cooed out loud. "Now that a reaction," She noted as the baby squirmed at the use of her nickname.

"We're gonna run dry soon though," Derek told her as he put his hand towards his daughter and she grabbed his index finger with her tiny hand.

As Penelope watched the cherished moment she felt a light hit her. "I've got it," Penelope said and tore her gaze from the baby and set it upon Derek. "Sophia?"

"I think the jury has decided," Derek spoke amused as the baby gurgled out and came to life.

Penelope put her hands out and picked the baby up, supporting her immediately. She noticed how much trust Derek had in her hold as he didn't even jump in to add extra support just in case. He allowed her to have full control, like she did with him. "Is your name Sophia Morgan, is it Baby Girl?" Penelope cooed sweetly at her daughter proudly, "Sophia." She repeated and the baby's reaction was pleasant, not distressed at all.

"That's definitely a little girl in love with her name," Derek commented as he watched his little girl respond to Penelope's cradle.

"You do realise your name means gifted ruler, Handsome," Penelope told him as she looked down at her newly named daughter, Sophia. When she looked up she took in Derek's incredulous expression, she couldn't suppress the giggle. "What? I was curious when reading the baby name book."

"Okay, so what's Sophia's mean?"

Penelope ran her finger around her daughter's face soothingly and then looked up at Derek to find him staring at her, "Wisdom." Was alls he said simply and watched as Derek agreed with a nod of the head. "I think Hotch's parents were lazy," She said direly after, "His name is the first name in the boys section."

Chuckling, Derek leaned in and looked at his daughter as she now suddenly slept in Penelope's arms. "What about your name, Baby? What does _Pen-nell-a-pee_ have to offer?"

"You're going to love this," Penelope said trying to withhold the giggle that was building. "I'll start serious, okay?"

"Okay?" Derek questioned back dubious to what was going to be said.

"It means a loyal, capable and clever woman," She told him and he nodded, "It derives from the mythology around the wife of Odysseus who fended of suitors to remain married to her husband."

"Too right," Derek declared. He had, on many times before, told her that other men watched them, checked her out, gave her the look of want, but they all knew she taken.

"You remember telling me I was like a duck?" She asked as she ran her thumb soothingly down Sophia's head.

Derek nodded at that, his attention stuck on Penelope's gentle comforting to their sleeping daughter, "A sexy duck."

Feeling the laughter building again she tried to calm herself to tell him this, "Well _Penelops_ is a kind of duck said to have rescued and nurtured Penelope."

With a childish grin, Derek laughed a little before gaining composure, "I kinder wish my story had a bit more adventure."

"Oh believe me you don't need more adventure in your life, Mr FBI man," Penelope scolded him playfully and smirked, "The stories this little girls going to hear."

"Better not come from you two," Joel warned cheekily as he and the team, including the Garcia brothers and Morgan's mom and sisters teamed into the room to devour the new addition with adoration and love.

Derek put the baby girl into JJ's arms and then went and sat with his wife after she was free of the hugs and congratulations and put his feet up and held her as they watched the congregation and love swarm.

This was the life he had always wanted, that much was sure.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope thanked her past even more for this life.

If it hadn't been for Kevin and his plan of evil she would never have almost lost everything she had. She would never have appreciated what Derek gave her and she would never have loved life as much as she did now.

Her past had definitely shaped her and with it, had definitely shaped Derek too.

Standing up from the large armchair in which she was resting in, she approached the crib in which her daughter was awake in and looked in at her.

She knew that before long, her face would begin to hurt with all the smiling she couldn't withhold from doing. Every time she saw Derek, saw their daughter, hell, even saw her own reflection she burst out into a massive smile.

Penelope knew she would endure the pain if it was to feel this amount of absolute happiness that now had taken over her life.

She did it again as Derek came up behind her, looped his arms around her waist and joined her at staring at their new born bundle of joy as she slept away beneath their careful watch.

This was the life that she had always dreamt of and it was now hers to always keep.

She would never let any evil come between her and her happiness.

If she had to she would fight until the death if that was ultimately her only choice.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	36. Given Power

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So I didn't mean for such a major gap between updates to occur, but here we are with another chapter! Enjoy, and thank you for all of the support as always. I hope to have another update ASAP!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Are you gorgeous?" Penelope asked her daughter rhetorically as they sat on the floor. Sophia on her back in front of her mom. "I think you are," Penelope cooed and tickled her daughters belly receiving a loud laugh. "Yes you are!" She said as she picked the little girl up and held her in the air. "You're mamma's gorgeous little girl."

She watched the little girl respond with giggles and gurgles and she continued to lavish the little girl in doses of love and laughter. Unaware of Derek standing looking in on the moment, she just continued to talk away to the baby oblivious to the eyes watching her amused.

"She's gotten real big in the last week," Derek spoke from the doorway finally letting her know of his presence.

Looking up, Penelope smiled as he was still decked out in pyjama bottoms and a crumpled t-shirt -One of her favourite looks on Derek besides him being completely naked of course.

"Look Bubba, daddy's finally woken up," Penelope spoke holding Sophia so she was face Derek. She then stood up and approached him, "A week is like a decade in baby years." She joked with him and handed their daughter over to him.

"Do not say that," Derek scolded her lovingly, "I don't want her to ever to grow up, do I Princess?" Derek asked his little girl as he took her in his arms. "She might be only three months, but she is going to break hearts."

"She learnt it off of her daddy," Penelope said as she kissed the back of her daughter's head and then lifted onto her bare tips of her toes and kissed her husband. "Welcome home, Hubby."

"Glad to be home, Baby," Derek replied and then moved Sophia so he could cradle her, "She was up quite early." He commented as noticed his daughter become tetchy and irritable with each passing minute, "She's not gonna want to go back down now."

"D, it's coming up four in the afternoon," She told him with a raised brow. "You've slept through the day and she's coming up her afternoon nap." She took in her husband's expression, "She's had her feed, I've changed her and she's now ready for that nap. I'm gonna start dinner, think you can put her down for me?" She asked him with a small smile, "I was going to do it and wake you up, but you broke routine. Didn't he baby?" She said as she ended the sentence speaking to the baby.

"Seeing as I'm breaking routine, I'll go and put her down and then come and help you out with dinner," He dropped a kiss to Penelope's cheek and left, going up the stairs talking to Sophia softly, cradling her and readying her into a slumber.

Penelope smiled as she listened and lavished knowing that her daughter was part of such a loving family. She turned and began to sort through the fridge for their dinner not taking notice of Derek coming back down the stairs moments later.

"How do you feel about being back to work from Monday?" Derek asked as he walked into the kitchen to find a beer waiting for him and Penelope standing with a glass of wine and the food ready behind her.

Penelope looked at him as she took a sip of her wine before holding it close to her chest, "Admittedly disappointed because I could easily stay on maternity leave until she goes off to college." She looked at Derek with wayward smile, "But I guess now I can go back to being dirty on the phone."

"You don't need work to do that, Baby, you just need a phone," Derek told her as he went and put his beer down and stepping towards her. "How about, whilst our daughter sleeps, we have some in house fun, Baby Girl?"

"To make up for the neglect?" Penelope asked him as he tugged her closer to his body using the elastic of the pyjama bottoms she was wearing.

He ran his hands over her curves and left them to sit on her ample bottom. He leaned in and shot her a seductive, longing look. "Give me a list of my convictions and I'll try and accept my punishment with dignity."

"Dignity won't be needed," Penelope mumbled back in low tone, her eyes twisted with tease. "Your first charge is definitely neglect – of me and of your daughter." She told him as she put her hand to his chest to make them keep their distance a little, "Secondly, there's the emotional trauma that I have had to put up without you being in our big ole bed. _Thirdly_, there are the physical effects of having to warm myself through the lonely, lonely nights. My left side doesn't take well to your absence any longer. Fourthly, there are the baby duties that I have had to slave my way through," She teased him with a warming smirk, "All on my own."

"Oh I have mounted a few charges there," Derek pointed out as he fluidly pulled her towards the couch. "Allow me to pay the fines and deliver my community service, Baby Girl."

"Penelope service," She corrected as she sat on the arm of the couch and allowed him to tower over her before pushing her so her back was flush with the leather of the seating cushions. She couldn't suppress the smile of lust as Derek began to douse her skin with kisses, running them up her neck before capturing her lips.

If this was going to become the status quo of welcome homes she wouldn't complain too much about him going away.

As he slipped his hand under her knickers he felt like he had struck gold. He was finally getting his wife right where he wanted her - under him - and he prayed there were going to be no distrac-

Then Sophia's awakening came in the noise of loud shrieking cries.

The moment now forgotten.

"I'll go," Derek offered and kissed Penelope one last time before beginning to stand. "I think you've done enough of the baby caring stuff to last a lifetime."

"I'm a mom; it _is_ a lifetime commitment, Handsome. You're a dad so don't be forgetting it either." Penelope replied as she grabbed her bottoms ready to pull back on so she could go finish the dinner off.

Before the idea of having intimate moments would make her want to throttle the culprit, but she knew this was the life she had wanted and undertaken and she couldn't complain.

She just knew that Derek would make it up to her every free, _silence_ second they had later.

She had no doubt about that.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Pulling the blanket over Sophia's tiny body, she rested her hand on her daughter's chest she felt her breathing away under it and she smiled dreamily. This was really her life.

It had been hours since Sophia had last disrupted any moment between Derek and Penelope and boy was Penelope paying now. Her dessert was the best part of the meal and she really could have gone for another round of that type of chocolate.

She had to appreciate how life didn't change once Sophia was born. If anything life became more exciting, became more cherished and she loved every day as much as the last.

"You're truly amazing you know that right?" Derek asked as he pushed his hand to run against her jaw, making her look at him.

Penelope's eyes flickered up to look at him. "What makes you say that?" She asked him with a whisper, "I'm just me."

"You don't see it," Derek pointed out, "I was watching you earlier with her and it's the same thing – you were born for this life, Pen and I'm so sorry that you missed out on it before." He watched Penelope push her head into his palm as she closed her eyes, "But I am so happy I'm still the man to give you everything."

"What happened before was an eye opener and look at us now. I don't think we would've loved one another quite as much as we do now without it. However much it hurt and however much doubt it put on our lives we made it out the other side stronger than ever." She then moved from his grasp and took him to the cot, "Look at our proof." She peered in at her at her sleeping baby. "She's the best thing anyone's ever given me," Penelope whispered emotionally and smiled blissfully. "She's the best creation ever."

Derek put his arms around her waist and watched their daughter sleeping soundly. He held Penelope close and kissed the nape of neck before pulling her away readying to head to bed. "They always say that the hand that rocks the cradle is the one who rules the world," Derek told Penelope as he slowly drew her from the room and to the bedroom. "You'll be the one that rules the universe because of her."

"Who says I didn't already?" Penelope asked with an almost seductive purr to her tone.

Stopping to pull her close to his body, Derek readied to kiss her as he replied, "Exactly."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

_Quote by William Ross Wallace._


	37. Surprise, Surprise

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Okay, so a bit of a shorter chapter than I'm used to delivering, but still... I'm satisfied. FYI, my muse is mean – bare that in mind =P _

_Thanks as always and I hope you enjoy!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You know you should be doing work," Derek spoke to Penelope teasingly as he watched her check the CCTV cameras of the downstairs crèche. "Not watching the onsite nursery via camera."

"They shouldn't have built such a thing in such a building when people such as myself work here," Penelope pointed out with a serious tone. She then lost all power and allowed her shoulders to slump, "Plus I miss my baby."

"Me too," Derek told her as he came closer, "It hurts every time there's a new case. It's still fresh and now having her just downstairs is making it really hard to just run down there and hold her."

"Fatherhood's turned you to mush, Hot Stuff," Penelope told him as she spun to face him, "Let's not let the bad guys hear about that though."

Chuckling he pulled her up to his chest and kissed her before looking over her shoulder at the screen, "How is our baby doing?"

Penelope looked back at the screen, "She's done her usual and slept. After crying for too long. I'm just making sure that they feed her when I told them too. The last thing we need is her breaking routine at three months."

"You're becoming one of those over protecting mothers," Derek pointed out, it was something she had promised she wouldn't be – she wouldn't be a hounding mothers. Especially to people who she had given her utmost faith in looking after her child.

"I changed my mind," Penelope told him with a smirk, "I don't want to be back at work just yet." She then admitted softly and looked at Derek almost sadly. "I don't think I'm mentally ready."

Derek smiled at Penelope's weakness before speaking, "You're a mother. I'm pretty sure JJ went through this when she had to come back and leave Henry at home, but now it's a way of life. This is a natural progression in life. It'll get easier."

"Doesn't feel like it," Penelope almost made that sound like the beginning of a sulk. "She cried so much when I left her earlier though, Handsome. I felt so mean," Penelope told him with a guilt ridden tone. "I'm the one to stop her crying, not make her cry."

"Oh Baby, it's just transitional. You can't always be the one that calms her and you've gotta issue tough love now or you never will." He saw her doubt him and he found it sweet and even more loveable. "You're an amazing mother, Pen, and this is just a part of life. Soon her routine will be to have us in the morning, part of the time during the day and then at night again."

"What about when we're both on a case? What about then?"

That was when Derek's face lit up, "This is where I spring a surprise on you." He watched Penelope almost squint her eyes in suspicion at him and he laughed in glee. "Let's just say Quantico's getting a new resident."

Penelope didn't want to smile too prematurely. Her first reaction was to guess that his mom was moving to Quantico, but then she guessed he wouldn't have been able to retain his excitement had that been the case.

"Who?" She asked him curiously and tilted her head at him. "I mean, how do I not know?"

"Because _Joel _told me not to tell you until truly necessary," He spoke and watched her face illuminate with a large smile. "If I didn't need to use it as weapon, I wasn't going to until he was moved here."

"That's mean," She scolded lightly. "I don't understand why though. I mean he has a life in California an-and I don't get it." She said as she couldn't make her brain function well enough to cooperate at that influx of information. "When is he getting here?"

"Ooh, let's see," Derek said as he animatedly looked up to the ceiling, "Tomorrow at the latest."

Penelope playfully hit him, "You two are so freaking mean for keeping this from me!"

Derek scrunched his face up in disagreement. "I wouldn't call it a bad thing. I mean, think how much easier life is going to be now. Which is what I was go to get at earlier when you were worrying about cases. When we are on a case, here or away, then Joel said he will look after Sophia for us. He hates being so far away from you, from us and so he decided to uproot his life and come here. Start anew and make something of his life."

"Oh," She said as she thought of having her brother around more permanently, "Life really is perfect."

"You would be correct with that," Derek said and tapped her nose before literally jumping back to life enthusiastically, "Right get some work done, Princess and then we'll go down and see her as a break," Derek vowed and looked at his watch.

"Batteries stopped working months ago, Handsome," Penelope pointed out as the realisation dawned on her and she looked to her computer for the time. "It's quarter past one."

Derek smiled appreciatively at Penelope's awareness of the simple things like a broken watch. "Say about three, we'll go down to crèche and see our baby. She would just be going down for a nap then so we can see her, get a dose of Sophia and come back to work before we go home later."

"Oh you make life sound so simple, Hot Stuff," She told him with a little grin.

"Well you see, that's because I have wife that's losing it," Derek told her and pulled her close for a kiss. "I gotta get back to work, Gorgeous, but I will meet you down there in less than two hours. Think you can cope?"

She smiled wistfully, "I think I can."

"I know you can," Derek placed his faith into Penelope and then went and got another kiss off of her before he left her to get back to work.

Sinking down into her seat, she looked at the pile of reports that had been building up in her absence and thought optimistically. Maybe this would pass the time for her. _Maybe_.

Grabbing the first one she opened it and realised that she really didn't miss the gore that was thrust into her job so reverently. What she did miss was the empowerment of having the ability to track down the bad guys and make the world just that bit safer.

Now her job seemed almost more worth it with her own daughter in the world.

However much she tried to work with that aspect in mind, she couldn't say she could stop herself from clock watching, but she was finding that she was loving motherhood more than she ever loved being a technical analyst and she thought that would never happen. After all she had loved her jobless regardless.

Now she realised she reflected upon her job differently and she guessed she always would. Having Sophia made her outlook of the world change entirely.

When three o'clock stuck she literally bounced up out of her seat and put her computers onto standby and rushed out of her office.

Walking down to the crèche only moments later, Penelope felt good – amazing even. Work was going well, her separation anxiety from her daughter was yet to kill her, but she knew after a healthy dose of cuddles and kisses she would sated enough to work out the remaining hours of the day.

She entered the room and was greeted warmly. She was told that Sophia was just put down, but that someone had come down to check on her briefly. Thinking it was one of the team, after all Emily and Reid weren't in the bullpen, she expected to see them checking on their God daughter.

She geared up with a larger smile than before, ready to catch them in the act she went into the room with the cribs.

Expect what Penelope saw in front of her stopped her heart and made her blood run icy cold.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	38. Well Thought Out Plans

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Sorry for the delay! I am mean, especially with the cliffhanger, BUT real life is a B-I-T-C-H at times! However! Enjoy and hopefully more soon!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Once her blood began to run freely in her veins and her feet began to move, Penelope realised that she was heated solely by rage, anger, fear. She was fuelled to go towards the man that had singlehandedly torn her word apart once before.

She knew she was not about to let him do it again.

Not in this life time, or the next. Or even the one after that.

He was _never_ getting the opportunity to take her life and destroy it.

"Put – her down," Penelope almost growled as she watched Kevin stand by one of the cribs holding onto Sophia. Her separation of the first two words of the sentence made him halt as he realised that she finally there right where he wanted her.

Except she was angrier than he had ever anticipated.

She didn't dare go closer for fear of putting her daughter in harm's way. She had seen one too many cases in her lifetime to warn her against becoming antagonising towards a potential threat. She knew he was holding part of what made her entire world in his arms and he had whole control over it.

"I said put her down, Kevin," Penelope ground out thickly. She was trying not to lose her rag completely, but the more that Kevin didn't respond the further she got to the end of her tether. "If you do not get your hands off of my daught-"

"You'll what, Penny?" Kevin asked as he turned to face her, interjecting her sentence and beginning of her wrath before it got any further. Looking, the devil himself might as well have turned around at that moment. "Kill me? Make sure no one can find my body? Wipe my existence from the world?" He asked her with a gloating tone. "Well, you can do that, but to do so you have to get this precious little girl back first," He teased her painfully as he ran a hand around Sophia's face. "And you wouldn't want her to get hurt now would you? Not the precious baby you finally got after losing the first one." He patronised her with her past. "Not being a good mother if you can't protect this one from bad things either now are we? I mean you allowed your first born to die because you became careless with your body and now this one you allow the big bad wolf to just come along and pick up."

Penelope's eyes watered as her past was dangled in front of her like a personal form of torture and now she had to look at a monster hold her daughter right in front of her eyes.

"How dare you," She started and she felt her voice quake with oncoming tears. "You have no right to be in this building, near me or my family. You best believe that I will make you pay and that is not an empty threat."

"Pay for what? I mean you allowed me back into your life and you left yourself well open to that night happening and well you see, everyone deserves a second chance." Kevin told her and bounced the child, "Don't they little girl?"

Penelope felt her body beginning to shake. Her anger and fear mingling together powerfully.

When Kevin saw Derek he knew his master plan was coming together perfectly.

"Put my daughter down now, Kevin or I will make you put her down," Penelope fought harder; she could feel the building presence behind her as a crowd gathered. She had known Derek had been there a while and that he had allowed her fight her own battle whilst he called for backup.

"I love how Mr. Morgan doesn't step in to save his own family," Kevin pointed out as he had dually noted Derek's silence. "Switch roles while I was locked up did we?"

"I think Penelope's plenty capable," Derek motioned and stepped in. "However I think it's time you put our daughter down and leave on your own freewill while you still can. You know full well I won't think twice about hurting you."

"Fine," Kevin seemingly gave up, "Take the stupid brat." He spoke up and willing gave the baby to Penelope –albeit aggressively, freeing himself completely and deliberately leaving himself open to anything and everything that could happen.

He knew it would and he hoped to be right.

The moment he knew Sophia was safe in Penelope's arms, Derek lunged. _He didn't think, he did_. He took Kevin down and unleashed all of the pent up anger he had felt at the torture that he had watched Penelope go through.

"You asshole!" Derek near enough screamed in a growl at Kevin. "You think you can swan back into this building, into our lives and do this. You think you can just walk back in and touch my daughter and I won't make you pay?" Derek asked Kevin heatedly as he unleashed hell upon Kevin. "You never, ever touch my daughter or my wife without feeling the wrath of me."

Kevin allowed Derek to do his work, but while he knew the agent was busy he managed to wrangle with one hand whilst giving the illusion he was fighting back somewhat with the other. He thrust his hand up and immediately he felt Derek's actions slow. Smirking, he did it again and again until he felt the warmth he had been promised whilst he had planned.

Pulling back, Derek got up and stumbled back allowing Kevin to stand up as well. He still had so much anger to unleash and although Kevin wasn't looking too good, Derek knew he had fallen right into Kevin's plan all along. He put his hand to his stomach as his mind registered exactly what had happened.

Derek then noticed the subtle glint of metal in Kevin's hand and saw the knife. He now knew that he had fallen prey and in turn his life was truly threatened. Even at that, Derek wanted to protect his wife and daughter and take them away from this predicament. He was, after all, the father, the loving husband, he wasn't supposed to allow this to happen to any degree.

"Gotcha," Kevin almost shouted animatedly and pleased at his dirty deed.

Penelope felt sick as she saw the blood staining Derek's shirt. She didn't want to put her daughter down, but she wanted to run to her husband and help him, save him, _anything_. It was as though her life seemed to go slow around her and then everything was happening too fast. It was as her mind told her to take her daughter to her husband and help – after all she was a woman, she should be an embellished pro at multitasking - that she lost control.

Kevin grabbed Penelope as she hugged Sophia close and protectively, she was making her steps to Derek when he reacted. He was rough and unforgiving with his yank and made her stumble with her movement. All the while she held it together enough to make sure her daughter remained as unscathed as possible, something that Kevin was not satisfied with.

"You leave them alone!" Derek managed to say with gritted teeth as he moved to stay standing. His body was already suffering the shock of the blood loss and his hasty movement to get up only seemed to make the bleeding worse and his unsteadiness uncontrollable.

Kevin watched in glee at the pain inflicted upon Derek and he saw the agents around him draw their guns. Something that made him chuckle manically as he held onto Penelope, making sure his vice like grip was causing her pain. He had had months in a jail cell and as an end result he was stronger, more built and influenced into believing that some sort of revenge was his to have.

It was as he watched everyone that he knew he needed to take this to the next level and quickly.

"She comes with me or I will shoot her," Kevin threatened as he brought a gun out from the back of his trousers and pushed it directly to Penelope's temple. "Both of them come with me."

"Put the gun down, Kevin," Hotch commanded Kevin sternly, but it didn't seem to have the slightest effect. "I said put the gun down and then let Penelope and the child go."

"Her or she dies," Kevin told them back simply and used Penelope and Sophia as a human shield.

Closing her eyes at the cold touch of the fun, Penelope took a moment to gather her thoughts. She knew this couldn't end well if she didn't comply. Kevin might think he had the upper hand, but he didn't know what she had leant in the near enough years since his first go at destruction.

Boy was he in for a surprise.

Opening her eyes, Penelope took a look at Derek as he tried to beg her not to go. He looked tortured at that moment as he now lay wounded, unable to help protect his family.

Penelope knew it was up to her now.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	39. A New Force

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_No long wait! Here's the follow on =) Thanks for the reviews, hope you enjoy!_

_(Sorry for obvious mistakes, no BETA and I'm wayyy overtired!)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope watched as Kevin cradled her daughter as he walked. Her mind was still reeling from watching Derek put his hands to his stomach as blood poured from the wounds Kevin had exacted without anyone noticing.

She then fell into reality quickly and sobered up as she realised she had allowed him to willingly have the upper hand and take her – leaving Derek to watch as he lay wounded. Here she was standing in the long corridor for the underground walkway to the garage acting as a willing counterpart to Kevin's potential kidnap.

Shaking her head, she quickly apprehended what she needed to and she was going to make sure that she didn't give him any opportunity to come back after this.

"What happened to you?" She asked with clenched teeth as Kevin placed a kiss on her daughter's head. "Don't you dare tell me it was me again. I did not turn you into this monster, Kevin."

"But you did," Kevin told her and bounced the little girl. "Now Morgan might have got you and I nearly got you back, but now I think it's time-"

"No," Penelope bit back sternly. She was taking control now she had the chance and stamina. "You do not get to take what isn't yours and that includes my daughter."

"You're right," He used a calm tone, like before, where he made her believe that he was really going for repentance, or the chance to walk away from this mistake. He was setting up a false pretence.

Kevin put the little girl down on the floor, not being careful to make sure she was intact or supported to remain that way. He didn't care at all, he wanted what should have been his – Penelope. The moment he saw her whole attention on Sophia, he charged at Penelope and pushed her against the wall. Completely unaware and unready her head connected with the wall and by the time she was ready to fight him back, she was pinned.

He remembered the words that he had been told whilst in jail. All of the men telling him what he had to do. What he _could_ do and he realised when he was free man he had free reign and when he tried to get his job back he found it an easy way to just skip from the director's office to the crèche. No one should've doubted him. He was a geek, he was a tech, of course he would have looked up what had become of Penelope and Derek and when he saw they had a child who had been checked in to the her first day of day care he had seen it as his perfect opportunity.

Now he felt crazed and powered by the truths of other men who had been there and had felt the success that had come from their actions, regardless of the consequence in the long term. He immobilised her when he made her aware of how ready he was to use the knife.

She felt the blade push against her skin, but she didn't care. She wanted freedom; she wanted her daughter and her husband back. Penelope knew she needed to endure this to make him believe that she was still weak and pathetic and easily manipulated. Little did he know the strength that she held when she needed it.

After years of listening she did as Derek had guided her and she brought her leg up, connecting her knee with Kevin's crotch and within seconds she had the desired effects. Eliminating Kevin's entire command over her body in an instant.

It was the moment that Kevin's back hit the cold, rock solid floor with a brute impact that Penelope fell down with him, trapping him under her body. She leaned in real close to his face, her heated breath hitting his cheek and she spoke with a low, poisonous tone, her hand going to his crotch to exact her words.

"You ever touch my daughter again and I will make sure they never, ever find your body," Penelope spat at Kevin venomously, "And if my husband dies then I will make sure that your death is a very public one."

"You'd go down," Kevin said as he felt Penelope's hand near enough hold a crushing grasp around his testicles – her hold not relenting.

"Provoked," Penelope told him back. "Think about it Kevin. You raped me once, look how that ended and now you stabbed Derek, _my husband_, and kidnapped me and my daughter. My husband's death could well be classed as a trigger for Post Traumatic Stress. How's that looking for you?"

"This isn't you," Kevin bit back as he watched how she exuded strength and power. She wasn't the docile, vulnerable woman that he had taken part in creating. "What happened to you?"

"You," she spat at him and then her mind reeled as blood from her head injury fell and hit her hands. At that she saw Derek, hurt, broken at not being the one to help his family. "You took some of the best things away from me and what I got back made me so much stronger than I ever thought possible."

Penelope, not letting go of Kevin's manhood, reached with a spare hand to grabbed the blooded knife as it sat closer than the gun – she was still impressed at how lifeless a man went when a woman held onto the one thing that made them a man. "Why did you do this?" Penelope asked Kevin, her tone now too calm, the knife sitting right by his jugular.

Looking down, he saw the glint of the knife and he gulped, he was too scared to move for fear of Penelope would do. He had never predicted her to be like this. To be this scary. "I would win," Kevin told him and as he spoke that first part he felt empowered at the control he had already thrust into the Morgan's _perfect _little life. "If he dies I will have won."

"Won what though? If he dies you've won nothing. I still have our daughter and that would keep Derek alive enough for me to carry on."

"We know that's not true, Penny," Kevin told her back and he shifted on the ground trying to loosen her grip. "You can barely survive without him."

"I am not that same woman that you came back to months and months ago, Kevin," Penelope told him, she didn't care if she looked or sounded barbaric at that moment in time. She was losing her mind and she had the culprit literally beneath her. "Once before I'd threaten, but the old Garcia was actually a kitten in comparison to this _Morgan_. You think you've won this, but Derek's going to make it out of this and so am I and we're never going to give you an opportunity to do this again – mark my words. We will make sure of it together."

"Ahh, but if he does die then you'll be left a single mother with a baby to bring up – _alone_. Still going to be able to keep the bad people like me away?" Kevin patronised her. He was almost getting use to the feel of Penelope's grip and the if he knew anything the old Penelope would still be lingering inside of this newer model willing her to not do anything stupid. "After all you're nothing more than a pawn in my life, Penny, I can do with you all I like. You're one that I have shaped and shifted so many times in this life. You've always been under my control, even without knowing it."

Penelope felt almost ready to kill as he said that to her. That was until one noise morphed her back from a monster to her natural self.

Sophia began to cry out.

Penelope felt her face soften at that cry. She dropped the knife, released Kevin and felt like herself again. Leaving Kevin to recover, she went and picked up her distraught daughter from the floor where she had been left by Kevin and walked away, alerting and allowing the guards to swoop in and take charge.

She was done.

Reality now settled in wholly with just the power of that one cry.

She could've hurt Kevin, she could've been that monster, but she would be the one that had to live with that. She didn't want to have that memory engrained into her for life. She wanted to know she had dealt with Kevin and allowed whatever future he had coming to happen.

Her husband and daughter were worth not having spilt blood on her hands.

"Daddy's going to be okay," Penelope vowed calmly as she tried to comfort Sophia. "Better than okay even." She continued as she tried to convince her mind off of the negative outcome.

Except Penelope couldn't stop allowing the crimson stain from marking her life – past, present and future. She had no idea if Derek was okay, if he was going to be okay and that outcome was solely out of her hands. She had no control of making sure that Sophia grew up with a father. As she walked back towards the crèche, her mind was over occupied and she could feel her chest becoming tighter and tighter as the truth sank in.

What if she was widower already and was waiting on the other foot to drop? What if he was holding on until they got him to the hospital? She didn't want to know the bad news. She wanted Derek to protect his daughter from all the boys, teach her to ride a bike, dote on her like he should always do. She didn't want to keep Derek alive in spirit, in memories. She just wanted him alive.

"Penelope," Rossi called out as he watched her come back into the building. He saw her look at him and he approached as he noticed how hard she was trying to keep control of her failing emotions. He watched as she looked at him and Hotch and he smiled sadly at her. "They just rushed him to the hospital moments ago."

"I need to get to him," She said immediately. "I need to get to my husband."

"Penelope, you need to be checked over, you're bleeding," Hotch pointed out the cut on her forehead and he took in even more of Penelope's dazed expression. "Let me take Sophia and we'll head off." He told her as he stepped in and took Sophia. He noticed the blood on the baby's clothes and then searched for the source before looking up at Penelope and noticed the wetter patch on her stomach. "You're hurt," Hotch's voice came out serious and angered, "He won't be getting out for a long time."

It was then, as she heard the fallout begin, Penelope lost all energy and faltered completely just about being caught in Rossi's arms.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	40. Having You Here

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So I'm doing quite good with updates, but seeing as Christmas is days away, chapters are going to thin out! However! No more cliffhangers in the foreseeable future if that makes it any better? Lol _

_Thanks as always for the reviews and I hope you enjoy this new chapter =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

It had been hours since she was allowed into the room and hours since she had sat down and began the new waiting game. Now, however, she couldn't stop pacing, not with her husband lying unconscious in the bed in front of her, recovering from the knife wounds and its subsequent surgery.

She had already lived the worst hours of her life as she had waited to hear that he pulled through the surgery and now she just needed him to wake up and tell her that he was going to be okay. She needed that for clarity and for her own peace of mind.

The sound of a groan made her halt and she wondered if she was hearing it at first – wishful thinking playing a massive part in a mirage.

"Baby Girl," She heard softly as Derek's eyes came to fall upon her and he smiled at her. She could tell the anaesthetic was still gripping him as he continued to look at her drowsily.

She was just happy that this wasn't an illusion.

Taking a step closer, and with watering eyes she immediately took his hand and sat down on the bed. She never thought she would ever have to be the doting wife that sat a bedside vigil for her husband. That wasn't supposed to be part of the marriage certificate. Not when you were married to Mr Action Man himself.

"Hey," He whispered to her as he noticed her unshed tears. "No tears."

"I'm fine," She deflected and smiled at him. "I'm so happy you woke up, Handsome."

Derek smiled at her groggily, "Couldn't leave my Baby Girls. You wouldn't cope without me."

"Too true," She said and noticed his eyes beginning to close, "You get some more rest. Me and Soph are going to be here."

"He didn't get her?" Derek asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

Penelope smiled as she was a hand over Derek's face, more for self comfort than anything, "He tried, but he took on the wrong mother." She watched him huff a laugh as he fell deeper into his sleep. "You sleep," She whispered and leant in and kissed his cheek gently, "Love you."

Now she stood and felt ready to get some rest herself. She was satisfied that this was just a minor blip in their life together. However, the moment she closed her eyes the nightmare began and she saw Derek hurt all over again.

Opening her eyes, she allowed her body to work past the exhaustion and she just remained watchful over Derek and Sophia for most of the night. When she allowed herself to sleep, it felt like too soon before she woken to Sophia's gentle cries.

She spoke softly, her gaze going to and from Derek as she tried to silence the baby back into an easy slumber.

Penelope realised that the baby wouldn't calm unless she kept Sophia in her arms and paced and she knew that if too much noise arose she would be asked to leave – with or without wanting too and she was not ready to leave this room.

Talking softly, she held the little girl to her chest and paced until she was calm again and snuggled tightly enough to sleep. She then went to the large hospital chair and gently fell into it, still keeping the baby close, and got comfortable.

"Is she okay?" Derek asked out in a groan. He had heard crying, followed by silence and then he had sensed Penelope being awake.

Penelope approached the bed and sat down again like earlier. "She's just a little fussy. It's been a long and tiresome day for her and now won't settle."

"She needs to be home," Derek told her, stating the obvious. "Like her mother does."

"I can't leave," Penelope began to tell Derek. "I don't want to leave."

Derek groaned at her for her stubbornness, "You need to be at home getting some rest, Baby Girl. This won't do any good."

"I can't be away from you, D. I don't want to be alone just yet," She hated herself for sounding so pathetic and took a deep calming breath, "Plus, I have a concussion and no way to get home and no one to stick around with me at home. So technically it's safer for me to be here."

"Fine," Derek whispered exasperated all of a sudden and shuffled over in the bed.

"Derek, what are you doing? You shouldn't be moving around," Penelope quickly put Sophia down to halt Derek's movements. "You need to rest."

"Get Sophia and come to bed," He commanded her, "You both won't sleep, and I want to feel you next to me, Baby. I had to watch him take you and I had no way to strike back. I thought I'd lost and I want to hold you for the night."

Sighing, Penelope knew Derek knew he had won.

She could never refuse such an offer and he had used it to her advantage. Grabbing their daughter, she gratefully laid with him on the bed and instantly fell into a perfectly secured slumber.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope lay Sophia down onto Derek's chest and allowed him to comfort her and have some time with her. She then pulled the seat close and sat watching as their daughter played her hands out onto his chest and flexed them as she settled into a soft slumber. That sight would always be one that would be one of Penelope's favourites for life.

"He hurt you," Derek pointed out as he ran a hand up and down Sophia's back. He looked up at her as she remained silent. "I can see the cut on your forehead. What else did the bastard do?"

Sitting back in her chair – knowing she couldn't keep this a secret regardless of Derek's health – she pulled her shirt up and revealed the small, but detrimental wound inflicted upon her stomach. It was stitched and sore and well on its way to healing.

"It's nothing," She stated and put her top back down, "I allowed him to do it so I could get him off of me."

Derek didn't take any comfort in that acknowledgement. "I let you down," Derek told her in a defeated tone. "I should've stopped him from even getting the opportunity."

"Sometimes even the hero needs a sidekick," Penelope told Derek gently and smiled. "He is the only bad guy I will ever take satisfaction in hurting."

Derek laughed, but grunted immediately after as a swirl of pain erupted across his stomach. "I would love to see that."

"Sorry, Shug, I refuse to do any rematches," She tried to distract himself from the pain. She hated to see him in this amount of pain and she leant in to take the baby from his chest, but he refused to let her be moved. She looked at Derek tire and she smiled, "You get some sleep now. I'll take her."

"No," Derek fought back, "Leave her just where she is." He looked up at her, "Please."

Penelope relented and stood, giving him a kiss she fell into her seat and watched as Derek succumbed to the lasting effects of anaesthetic as it swam through his body mixed with the pain medication and she just smiled sadly that this was how their happy life had ended up.

This was not her idea of hers and Derek's happily ever after.

Hours later however, Penelope sat staring aimlessly as she soothed her daughter, unaware that Derek had reawakened. She had taken her daughter when she had started to fuss and now her mind was anywhere but in reality and if anyone was to look in, she looked almost in a trance.

"Earth to Mrs Morgan," Derek called out huskily and he saw no reaction. "Baby Girl!" He called out and saw life re-enter her eyes, "Penelope." He called again and this time she looked at him and he offered her a smile. "Where did you go?" He asked as he shifted himself to get comfortable again.

"Nowhere," She lied with a sweet smile.

Derek's brow furrowed at that. "Talk to me," He pressured her lightly and he saw her break too easily for his liking. She usually put up some sort of defence, but at that moment she just caved and readied the words to spill her heart out to him.

"I just remember the doctor," Penelope shrugged sadly at him, "How he said that had it been just a little deeper, or a little more to the right then you would have bled out entirely and I was scared. I almost lost you and I don't want to be this close to feeling that ever again because it really sucks, Handsome. I don't ever want to rely on memories and photos so that Sophia can have a dad. I want her to just _have_ you."

"It was close, but it will never happen again," Derek told her calmly; he was a man of few words at that moment in time. His minimal energy levels doing nothing to help him form lengthily summations right at that moment in time.

"How can you say that?" Penelope doubted Derek from her perch in the hard chair. Her hand still soothingly rubbing Sophia's back.

"Because Lynch was the last bad guy I will allow myself to take down like that," Derek vowed at her and put his hand out to her, silently commanding her to come forward. The moment he had Penelope's hand in his, he smiled before continuing. "I promise you I will never willingly put myself out there to be hurt or worse. Never again, Baby Girl. You need to understand one thing though, Pen."

"What's that, Hot Stuff?" Penelope asked almost intrigued.

"Kevin," Derek paused as he tried to make sure Penelope was still watching him as vigilantly as before and when he was satisfied he continued, "Kevin had that coming. Ever since that voicemail, he had what happened to him yesterday coming and I am so glad that you were able to have the upper hand and prove to him how much stronger you are. How unlike the old Penelope you are in some stances. I just regret that you had to go through that, that Sophia was even touched by that bastard. I would kill him even breathing the same air as her. He deserves more than to be locked up in a jail cell."

"Does he?" Penelope asked in an almost whisper, "Does he deserve death? Because that to me is so much easier than having to live with what he's done. I had my say and now he's going to be put away for attempted murder and kidnap. He has to live with that and I can live with the peace that he will never, ever come near my family again."

"You're too nice for your own good sometimes, Gorgeous," Derek said as he relaxed knowing that Penelope was finally getting some clarity over what had happened. "Thank you for being here."

"Don't be stupid, Handsome. You're my husband; I have nowhere else I needed to be than here." Penelope released the yawn as it built strongly after that sentence. "Sorry," She said to him as she hid her yawn behind the back of her hand. She was beyond tired, but she wasn't sure she was ready to just leave.

"You need to go home though and get some decent sleep," Derek pointed out, his worry masking his face. That one emotion was so much more prominent than his pain.

"I'll go when I have a ride home," Penelope relented; she really was feeling the effects of sleeplessness. She had always thought it would have been down to Sophia, not her husband being wounded.

Moving her chair so she was sat face to face with Derek, she manoeuvred Sophia to her left arm calmly and supportively and then took Derek's hand in her other hand, running her finger tips over his arms.

Until she had a way home, she was going to sit here and lavish life with Derek a bit more.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	41. Defeated Strength

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Okay, so my muse is officially evil... let's say we have a new twist coming... I can't seen an end coming to this soon because it just keeps evolving so I think we have a new epic going on! _

_Thanks for the review and I hope you like what's in store for this story..._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope watched JJ drive off of the drive and with one last wave and a beep of the horn disappear down the road. Looking down at Sophia, Penelope realised she needed to have taken better care of her daughter in the events of Kevin's surprise reappearance. Now the guilt settled in as she realised that Sophia's normal routine had been broken and she had almost been neglected as a result.

Now she knew she had to run a bath for Sophia, feed her, comfort her until she was tiring and then get her to sleep in her proper bed and not in her pram or any other temporary cot.

Sighing heavily, Penelope went into the house, kicking the front door shut, talking to her daughter all the way. Putting her daughter in her cot for a moment, she ignored her fussing as she went into the bathroom and grabbed the small baby bath to fill up ready for Sophia's wash.

Hearing Sophia's cry penetrated Penelope's trance as she hadn't realised that she had fallen into yet another one. Realising that not only had the bath overflowed, but it was much too hot to put a baby in she poured the water out and then rushed to Sophia.

Trying her hardest to balance the child and fix the bath, Penelope succeeded in making a perfect bath and calmed her daughter down again before her last nerve snapped. Dressing her daughter not long after, Penelope couldn't find the energy to speak at her and enjoy this moment like always. She just did everything robotically.

When Sophia refused to settle though, Penelope found herself pacing the house, almost gearing up to claw the walls with insanity. She wanted to crawl into her bed and sleep, but she couldn't sleep if Sophia didn't.

It was as simple as it used to be back when it was just her she had to worry about. Even when it was her and Derek – he could occupy himself while she could up with the Z's, but now she came last of the priority list and although she never begrudged anyone or anything, not even her life, that, she did this one time want to sleep this day away and forget for a bit what had happened.

She almost thanked the lord above when Sophia calmed and slumped against Penelope as she fell asleep.

Walking back to the nursery, she was so thankful that the idea of rest was almost imminent.

However, that didn't seem to be the case.

The moment she looked down at her daughter sleeping she felt herself slip.

Penelope had been home over four hours and Sophia was finally sound asleep, blissfully unaware of the chaos that her mother's mind was now seemingly falling into.

Backing away, Penelope felt all of her control crash together and completely shatter around her. She didn't know if it was because she now had the clarity of the day, if she had just allowed everything to build up to monumental moment or even if this was what sleep deprivation did to addle with someone's mind, but it was happening now.

Slipping down the doorframe Penelope finally broke freely. So much so she just sobbed harshly into her knees and prayed that the image of Derek hurt would just leave her wounded soul.

Was she really the stronger person if she reacted like this? If in the silence of her home she broke down so much so that she lost all sense of what was around her?

How was this living proof she was a true survivor?

She sank deeper into her feelings until she felt almost numb. She wanted her husband to come and tell her how everything was going to be okay, but he barely had strength to cuddle his daughter and hold a lengthy conversation let alone hold her together after Kevin's surprise turn up.

She never even heard the door open, the call of her name, or the door subsequently shutting.

Joel liked being in Quantico, but not when he had to receive a phone call from his sister's friends saying that Kevin had come back and that Derek was now laid up in hospital. He had dropped his work load, grabbed the first flight he could and gotten to the Virginia state as quick as humanly possible.

Now he was ready for whatever awaited him.

He walked the house and found no sign of movement and so headed upstairs. "Penny," Joel said as he came up the landing after hearing quickly cries coming up stairs. The moment he could see he spotted Penelope as she sat sobbing and he rushed to her side. "C'mon Kiddo, what's up? Derek's alive."

Penelope looked up at her brother, she had no idea he was coming back, but she had never been more grateful to see him than she was now. "He almost di-died though," She managed and looked completely helpless and lost. "I almost lost him, J, and there was nothing I could have done differently, except if I had never gone with Kevin all those years ago."

The silence beckoned around them.

Now was not the time for words and Joel knew that.

"Why is my past still trying to ruin my future?" She asked her brother and fell in dead silence.

"That is not true," Joel comforted her. "Sometime's our past has to face our future to realise that what happened, happened and life evolved. You showed him what you had become and from what I heard you scared the living daylights out of him."

Penelope looked at her brother before looking away ashamed. Not taking in a word he had just said to her. "I looked at Sophia and realised I have been a terrible mother," Penelope told him with a dead set gaze. Her mind had trapped her and she wasn't snapping out of it for the moment. "I let him touch her and kiss her and then I kept her in her pram in a hospital room without proper feeds or a proper wash because I was scared to leave. She suffered because of what I wanted. It isn't about me anymore, that isn't how my life should be. Me and Derek should be home taking care of our daughter. He shouldn't be in a hospital bed! Kevin shouldn't be allowed to breathe! He shouldn't have been able to get away so lightly for what he did to me!"

The anger that exuded Penelope at that moment was scary even for Joel's liking, but he remained holding her in his vice like hug and refused to let her go. He had seen Penelope hit her worse moments when they were children, but back then he had the ability to metaphorically wrap her up in cotton wool and fight her demons for her. Now, however, twenty odd years on, he didn't have that power or choice. He had to sit back and be the support beam she needed and be the aid she needed when she seemed to be lacking the strength to keep herself adrift in the chaos.

For now, he called the shots, he was here for a while and he would remain here for as long as Derek and Penelope needed him and even then, he wouldn't leave until he was satisfied.

The silence became a cultured permanent around them as time passed minute by minute.

Penelope remained unmoved and cuddled into her brother's side, thankful for having him there, and she just allowed herself to fall asleep. She felt him hold her closer as he sat there in the doorway with her and she allowed herself to sleep now she felt wholly protected.

Looking up the ceiling, Joel sent a prayer than bypassed the brick and mortar and searched the heavens above.

He couldn't lie that he was worried about his sister's state of mind, but he had to believe that this was just the depletion of her strength and courage for one night.

Carefully, he picked her up and carried her to the master bedroom and settled her down onto the soft mattress, covering her with the bedding. He didn't leave her to check on Sophia until he was satisfied she was sleeping somewhat peacefully.

Tomorrow was a new day – or so his silent mantra told him.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	42. Watching It Change

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So it's been a while since the last update, but life at this time of yell isn't very virtual! Lol So I hope you enjoy..._

_I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas =) _

(BEWARE – Not properly read through – it's late and I need to get to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow!)

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope just sat staring at the threading in the blanket that lay over Derek. Her mind wasn't even on anything in particular. If she were to be asked what was on her mind she would have to lie or admit and say she had absolutely nothing on her mind. She just stared blankly, chewing her bottom lip, barely blinking.

Sophia cried out to her right, but the sound wasn't penetrating as a warning or a reason to jump up and assist to the problem at hand. The noise seemed to enter her hearing and bounce around her head numbly. Penelope left it to go unattended as she didn't see a reason to stop it.

Derek woke with a start and realised that Sophia was near enough screaming out distraughtly. He moaned as he tried to help his mind clear itself instantly to aid his daughter and find out what was wrong with his wife for her not to take notice of the distress that their daughter was shrieking out.

He looked over and saw Penelope just sitting aimlessly unaware.

"Pen?" Derek called out and Penelope's trance like expression didn't change at all. "Penelope!" He near enough yelled and he watched her snap her head round to face him. "Sophia," He pointed out and manoeuvred himself to get up. "She's been crying for a while, it woke me up."

"Oh," Penelope said as jumped up and rushed over to the buggy.

"How come you didn't go to her?" Derek asked as he watched her fiddle with the blanket, but never once did she talk to the baby or dote like before. He frowned, "And why was she facing the wall?"

Penelope looked up at him fear struck. "I was trying something," Penelope quickly lied. "I read that it's supposed to calm a baby when they're crying."

"It's working," Derek spoke sarcastically. He had seen Penelope's mood morph over the last couple of days and now it was bizarrely off point for his liking. His agitation towards being shut up in a hospital longer than he expected did not help the matters at all. Now everything he was feeling was colliding and he was becoming snappy and uneasy to cooperate.

"First time for everything," Penelope said with a blasé tone and shrugged.

That was it for Derek's temper.

"She was crying for God sakes, Pen," Derek pointed out. "She still is and all you did was cover her up a little more and rock the pram. Our daughter is crying and her mother won't even pick her up or talk to her and you leave her facing a wall."

Penelope just watched Derek, alarm bells ringing in her head. She had no response. Her mind however was screaming multiple responses at her for her to use, but she could feel her flight or fight response kicking in and it was alarming how easy she was finding it to bolt. Scarily, it was from her own husband.

Settling back against the pillow, he watched Penelope with growing concern. She wasn't like herself at all and it didn't matter how much she smiled or tried she still wasn't each the norm.

"I'll take her home," Penelope said and rushed to Sophia's side. She bundled her bag onto her shoulder quickly and left the hospital room before Derek could prevent or speak up to stop her.

She didn't even bother to give him a goodbye kiss or any form of farewell. She just left.

Derek was left to wonder what the hell had happened

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Stirring the tea, Joel didn't look up; he used the moment to gather courage. "Pen," He said and finally stopped stirring and turned to face his sister, "I think you need to go and talk to someone about what happened."

"I don't want to see someone," Penelope disregarded her brother's attempt immediately. "I'm fine."

"You're not," He argued back, "If you were okay you wouldn't leave you daughter who you_ love_ to get so upset. You would be driven right now to keeping her happy and plying too much attention to her. Hell, you'd even take her to see Derek more, but you don't seem to want to do anything."

"_I – am – not – going – to see – someone."_ Penelope told him, not even taking a visible hit from his words. However much it hit her internally, she was not going to allow her expression to show how right he was. She was adamant to an extent that she would be fine, and she would stick by that. She wasn't going to get weak. "End of story."

"Why won't you go? Why won't you go just to prove me wrong?" He asked her and he watched her look away from him shyly, "Well Penelope? Why?"

She remained silent.

"If you don't tell me I will drag you there myself," Joel told her with a thick, serious tone. "Then you won't have the choi-"

"Don't do that!" She shouted at him immediately, her eyes pleading with him. "Don't take me to talk to someone, J, please._ Please_."

"Why not?" Joel pushed, he had seen that within a few minutes he had just managed to break her down. He knew he just had to push her a bit more to get the desired answers.

"Be-Becau-" She paused hesitantly, her breathing becoming heavy – almost borderline hyperventilating , "Because they might take Sophia away from me." She ended up mumbling.

"What?" Joel said as he stepped closer, "Why would they do that?"

"Because I'm an unfit mother," She said as the tears began to fall from her eyes in strong torrential flows. "I can't lose her, Joel. Derek is relying on me to keep this family together and if he knows how I've been I'll have disappointed him and-" She broke off, covering her mouth to hide the sob, "And I'll have let him down."

"Pen, you can't think that," Joel comforted her. He had wanted answers, but this declaration showed him a clear insight into Penelope's frame of mind at the moment.

"He'll think I'm weak. I know he already thinks that. I mean look what I did after what Kevin did all that time ago. I know he remembers I took the easy route with trying to kill myself and I'm not stronger than that and he tries to believe I am, but if he hears about any of this then he won't want me either."

"You're being irrational," Joel told her seriously, he was beginning to feel angered that Penelope had slipped into this frame of mind so quickly. He had seen her spiral, but he had thought that his presence would help lessen the severity, but it was clear it wasn't like that at all. "What you went through with Kevin days ago is not cause for you to lose your child. At the most, they'll want you to see a counsellor to help you cope with the turn of events. Especially with seeing your husband stabbed by a man that had once before caused so much destruction in your life. They'll see how much you love that little girl, Pen. It's hard not to see that and they'll take into account everything that has happened. Derek will not see you as weak. He admires your strength. Heck, even I do! It's hard not to, Penelope. I wouldn't lie to satisfy you and I don't see a need to when all a long you fought back and came through for _your_ family. If you speak to someone, you might find you'll stop thinking like this."

"I'm going to bed," Penelope declared the end of their chat.

He watched Penelope go into hers and Derek's bedroom – leaving Sophia to cry.

He knew deep down she still had that unbreakable love for Sophia and he knew that if there was no change he was going to do some research of his own and get this solved.

Joel Garcia was not allowing this to get worse that it already was and if that meant Derek knew, then Derek would know.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	43. Knowing To Help

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_So another lengthy gap I know! However, Christmas holidays are manic right? So here's to another chapter and I hope you like!_

_I've given up promising HEA's because my muse is just evil and won't allow them to come along easily! lol_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Joel flicked down yet another web page as he rocked Sophia into another failing gentle sleep. He had tried to get Penelope to get up, but two days on from their explosive talk and she was still yet to get out of bed. Now with Derek getting a last run of tests and arranging his discharge without his wife around, Joel had been the sole post for the family.

Getting lost in the world of internet, he sat searching Penelope's symptoms along with his basic inkling of what was wrong with his sister. Speculation led him in the right way as he focused on what he was reading about. Bit by bit he was firmly convinced he knew what was wrong with Penelope. So much so, he had gotten up briefly to ask a nurse for the number of the psychiatric clinic in the hospital just so he could get a professional consult on the matter.

He barely took notice of Derek coming back into the room to then leave to go into the bathroom to get change and get ready to head home finally. He was still looking up the best way to deal with this and how fast Penelope's recovery could be.

If there was anything Joel wanted at that moment apart from a mere miracle it was to just have his sister back wholly.

"So she still not turned up?" Derek asked as he walked out of the bathroom, pulling his shirt down.

Joel shook his head, "No, and this little girl is really wanting some proper mommy love right about now." He said as he looked in at the unhappy baby girl as she lay in the pram.

"For now she's just going to have to put up with daddy love." Gingerly, Derek picked up his daughter with a slight grunt of pain. He didn't care what pain he had to endure, his family always came first.

"Derek," Joel said as he sat up, breaking the father-daughter moment before him. He put the laptop down on the chair next to him, closing it in preparation to set off home. Standing he grew serious, "I think she's got postnatal depression." He watched Derek's face drop as he lost his attention on Sophia for a moment and just looked at him, stone faced. "Okay, she's started to do the mother job and not neglect Sophia like she had, but she keeps feeling like she isn't doing it right or she's forgotten to do something. She's a crying mess; she's continually guilty that she's letting Soph down – letting _you_ down. She's barely eating, she goes to bed but doesn't sleep and so she's just exhausted. She is way too far off right for this to just go unnoticed now."

"Well I'm coming home today," Derek tried to optimise. Hopeful that his presence back in the house would help Penelope come to her senses and snap out of this at long last.

Joel gave a tight smile, not feeling quite so optimistic. "I just hope you're the one that can finally comfort her because none of us have been able to. She doesn't even talk to us much, and when she does it's in angry outbursts. I don't want her to feel like this when this isn't her."

"I might not know a lot of things, but I know my wife and I know she won't be like this forever," Derek vowed seriously. "She will be bouncing back sooner than we expect and she'll be back with vengeance."

"Let's hope so. For now, I think we need to get you both home now," Joel said as he looked down the hall to see Hotch and Rossi walking towards the room.

Derek agreed and looked at Sophia, and holding her in the air in front of him. "I don't think mommy's doing an inadequate job of looking after you, Princess," Derek spoke to his daughter. "She's doing a brilliant job." He kissed her then and held her back up, even against his aggravated body.

"Ready?" Rossi asked as he stepped into the room.

"Nearly," Joel told them, "Just gotta pack up Lil' Miss there, my stuff and a few more bits of Derek's."

"Anything we can take down?" Hotch asked assessing the load.

"There's some stuff," Derek pointed out at the bag by the door. "Then we've just got the stuff on the table to pack and I'm set. We should be okay to carry in one go I reckon." He said as he bundled the stuff into a bag with one hand, holding his daughter still. Derek just wanted the taste of freedom and the feel of his wife.

Zipping up the last bag, Joel was grateful that Hotch had understood the text and had taken charge by taking Sophia's pram and readying to leave. He knew already how the _Boss Man_ handled things and he was getting on pushing Penelope to see a counsellor, but now however it would mean that he would support what was to come. Holding back, Joel went to Derek and meant business. He had a game plan, and it was the only reason why Hotch and Rossi were here.

"Aaron's coming to take you home," Joel told Derek as he picked up all of the stuff that was left to be tidied up. He watched Derek look at him confused, "I'm going to speak to someone in the psychiatric unit upstairs."

Derek didn't utter a word. He was hoping his silence was enough of a prompt to continue on with an explanation.

"If she won't go to the help, then I'm taking the help to her," Joel said in a matter of fact tone. "I tried and failed and now after reading all the symptoms online I'm quite convinced more than ever that she needs a little help."

"You know I'll do whatever is necessary to help my wife, J, but I draw the line at forcing her. It doesn't do her any good. If anything, she'll just dig her heels in deeper." Derek fretted as he allowed Joel to take Sophia off to put her back into the pram. "We tried to force her last time and we saw what happened."

"This isn't like last time. Last time she didn't see you wind up in a hospital bed and she didn't have to watch him cuddle your daughter as though she was his. He had a different power back then, but this time he threatened too much."

"Then we do what you said. We take the help to her," Derek finalised solemnly and headed out to kiss his daughter goodbye and then follow Joel upstairs to the clinic.

Making it up there, he realised just how prepared Joel was for this. Even more so when the doctor came out and said he had been expecting him and quickly ushered them both into his office and asked for what the consult was about.

It didn't take the pair long to divulge the reason for them being there in his office. Between them they managed to talk about what Kevin had done starting from the relationship he had had with Penelope to begin with to him date-raping her, to attacking Derek and attempting kidnap.

"There is a very strong chance that the trauma she was subjected to, both in watching you get hurt and the man behind it taking her and your child, triggered post traumatic stress that then went on to prompt postpartum depression."

"Is that even possible?" Derek asked dubiously. "It just seems so elaborate."

"You say that your daughter is coming up and three and half months right?" The doctor asked and watched Derek nod, "Then you're wife is still pretty prone to any bouts of postnatal depression in various form. Except the stress and trauma that happened last week pushed her mind overboard and has resulted in this."

"Okay so saying this is the two mingled together," Joel started, "What do we do about it?"

"Any doctor can prescribe her antidepressants as the easiest solution, but I don't believe that these cases necessarily need this. She appears to have a very tough support system and I have a feeling that having her husband home – _alive and well _will be enough of a wakeup call than ever. I'm not saying it'll be an instant reaction nor will be overnight, but I'm saying that it is possible that as you recover, she will." The doctor told them honestly and positively. "And if this isn't the case, I am more than willing to take her on as a patient to help her understand and make sense of everything in order for her to get better."

"That was all we needed to hear," Joel said brightly, holding a new air about him. "How long do you think we should give it before seeking professional help?"

"Until you think it's been too long." He told them and watched the pair exchange looked quickly. "You will know when, believe me."

"I think that's all we needed to hear then," Joel said with a thick agreement from Derek. "Thank you, Doctor."

"Yes, thank you," Derek said as he stood up and shook the older man's hand. "We'll make sure we keep your number in case we need it."

"If it comes to it, you are more than welcome to call the office and ask to talk to me," He told them as he walked with them out of the room and towards the nurse's office. Handing over a card with the details he smiled at them politely, "Just don't push her." He told them both and watched them thank him and leave.

Walking out, Derek pumped his chest and almost took on a new persona and readied to getting home and attacking this head on.

"This won't be lasting long," Derek ground out in a fighting tone. "She won't be left to suffer longer than she has already."

"I guess we better be getting home then."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

_Bit of a life story here__ – my mum was involved in a car crash when my brother was four months old (he was in the car as well), the stress of that triggered post traumatic stress disorder which also sparked postnatal depression... she wasn't given antidepressants, but slowly pulled out of this... that is where some of the ideas of this came from._


	44. Doses of Truths

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Right so I was gonna update last night, but the site went down! BUT enjoy and I hope to have more up soon =) Thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favourites..._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Please stop crying," Penelope pleaded with her daughter. "Please. Please. _Please_." She begged in a whisper. "Please."

"Everything okay in here?" Derek asked as he came up to his wife and child. He had been sleeping off more pills when the constant crying broke the sound barrier on his sleep. He had tried to turn over and ignore it, too comfortable for once to move, but when the crying didn't subside he knew he had to help out.

"She won't settle," Penelope told him as she rocked the baby. "I don't know what to do."

"C'mere," He said as he put his arms out, "She's probably just a bit colicky, P, that's all," Derek said as he took the baby off of Penelope and helped out. He soothed the baby, rocked her, spoke quietly to her and soon she calmed.

Penelope watched the baby become relaxed and the crying soon ceased and she stood and felt like a waste of space in her own home. How could she not do that? How could she not soothe her own daughter?

Looking up as he noticed movement, Derek watched Penelope back away, her face looking ready to break into a sob. "Pen?" He questioned her as he watched her get nearer to bolting out of the door.

"I- I- I can't do this," She told him ashamed. "I'm not cut out to be a mom. _Her mom_. She deserves someone so much better than me."

"Penelope!" Derek called out and rushed after her. "Pen! Stop!"

"What's happened?" Joel asked coming up the corridor just as Derek ran down the steps with Sophia still in his arms. He had heard Penelope's sobs and then heard the door slam into the wall behind it before watching her disappear down the drive.

Derek shook his head, terrified that this was it. "Take Sophia, I'll be right back," He told his brother-in-law hurriedly and the moment he was sure his daughter was safely in her uncle's arms he bolted from the house, not worrying about the pulling on his still tender stomach.

He saw immediately saw her up the road a little, and he picked up his pace and the moment he could, he grabbed her left hand and spun her around, he wasn't letting her get any further.

"He told me I was a bad mother," Penelope said the moment she was facing Derek. She had the biggest tear tracks running down her face. "He rubbed that in my face and ever since then I feel like the biggest failure to walk this earth. I couldn't calm her down when she needed me most. I'm a failure."

"You're not a failure," Derek told her as he reached up to wipe the tears away the best he could. "Nowhere near a failure."

"You almost died right in front of me, Derek, an-and," Penelope looked up at Derek fearfully, "It would have been my fault."

"That's not true," Derek spoke up.

"I failed at keeping you and our daughter safe at one of the most secured places possible. If I'm not failure then what am I?"

Derek was lost for words as he tried to calculate how best to tackle this. He wanted Penelope to know that he held no blame over her head, but he knew that one simple wording gone wrong and she would believe that she was the biggest bad guy to roam the streets.

"You said once that I brought him into our lives, I allowed him back in after the first time and look where it's got us, Derek," Penelope said as she flourished her arms out. "I tried to kill myself because of him and still he hangs around and haunts us. He is never going to disappear."

Derek's mind reacted to that. "You cannot keep thinking back to what happened then," Derek told Penelope truthfully. "Everything happens for a reason. I remember someone who told me that I didn't get that saying. Well standing here with you with my life how it is I now fully believe it. Want to know why?"

"Why?" Penelope asked him, her tone dripped with tears as they readied to break their boundaries.

"Because I wouldn't have known what the woman I loved meant to me without it. I wouldn't have understood just how far in my veins she is and I would have underestimated how much she loves me. I would have continued to believe I loved her wholeheartedly when I never really was. I just thought I was. There's a big difference."

"I really hurt you," Penelope admitted in a choked sobbed.

Derek watched her as she slowly broke before his eyes, "He hurt me. _Twice_."

"No," Penelope denied that statement.

"Pen," Derek said and put his hands to the sides of her face, "He hurt you more." He told her sternly and assertively. "He took far more from you than he ever took from me. He made you lose the man you loved, the home you'd built and loved; a chance at having a family. He took your hope and your happiness from you and he took everything you believed in and shook it so hard you doubted how it should fit back together."

Penelope closed her eyes as the harsh truth was delivered to her.

"He destroyed your life before you got any form of it back and even now he can't stop destroying what is yours and what will always be yours, Baby Girl. I plan to go nowhere and Sophia is definitely not going anywhere. We love you and need you and want to spend every day of the rest of our lives with you."

"But the rest of your lives might not be the rest of mine," She admitted soullessly. "He almost killed you."

"Almost," Derek stated clearly and boldly to her. "He almost killed me and that is the different between hurting me and killing me. I'm here to spend the next fifty years watching you get old with me and I will make sure that each and every day I bless God for allowing me to see beauty blossom. Kevin missed out on that, he won't get the chance to get that sight and he will never get to feel what it is like to have a woman love you so much that she can't bear to have a day without him."

Derek wiped her tears away and smiled warmly at her, "I know what that feels like. Every day I look at my beautiful wife and I know I am beyond loved every time I get to hold my daughter. I just wish you could see that, Pen."

"I really want to," Penelope told him in a low truthful whisper. "So bad."

Putting his hand for her to take, he smiled, "Then let's go home."

The biggest leap of faith was when Penelope took his hand and allowed him to take her home.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I remember the first night we brought her home," Derek started to tell Penelope as she held her daughter again. This time it was more attentive, more motherly. "You used to just watch her sleep and when I tried to get you to sleep yourself your reply to that was that you could get your fifty winks whenever, but watching your baby girl sleep in the moonlight was one of the most breath taking moments in your life."

Penelope smiled a little as she remembered those days. Watching Sophia sleep was one of her favourite pastimes and lately she had missed it. Looking down at her daughter she realised that there was no haunting feeling sitting within her, she was here with her husband and daughter just like she should be.

"You held her once too," Derek began again and watched Penelope's gaze look up at him, "And said one of the things that stuck in my mind."

"What's that?" She asked him quizzically, not able to point out one thing.

"That no man would ever cause her any harm – ever." He told her truthfully, "And if they ever did then that was that for them." Derek watched her eye him as she waited to see where this was going to go. "I heard you pretty much took Kevin down and held a knife to his throat."

"I can be pretty bad-ass when I wanna be," She told him in a low voice, trying to keep it quiet in the room for Sophia.

"You really can be," Derek told her with a smirk. "I'm proud of you for not doing what was easy and killing him there and then."

"He has to live knowing that I am no longer the Penelope he dated. I'm not her anymore."

Derek stepped closer, putting his hand to her face, "You're pretty much superwoman now."

Shaking her head in amused disbelief she took in his exhausted, pained features. "Go back to bed you," Penelope said as she rocked Sophia into a calming slumber, "I've got this all covered in." She looked up as he hesitated to leave, "Go, you need your rest, Hot Stuff."

Derek managed to get his first kiss in too long and left the room, heading straight for the master bedroom.

Derek sat on the bed, everything he needed to tend to his dressings and couldn't help but smile to himself. He wanted a breakthrough, even just a crack to appear, but he was so much happier with a complete turnaround.

"Let me do that," Penelope said as she stepped in from the doorway. She had been watching Derek as he pulled his t-shirt off his body and slowly pulled the gauze away from his skin.

Derek watched his wife as she attentively cleaned and dressed his stab wounds. This was the amount of gentle affection she had willingly shown him in what seemed an eternity.

"You pulled the stitches a little, Handsome" She mentioned as she noticed the redness of the stitches.

"It's fine," He feigned. "What about yours?" Derek asked as he tugged on her top. He remembered full well she had a slash across her stomach and gash to her forehead. "Want me to sort that?"

"Did it this morning," Penelope told him quickly. "Let me do these and then we should really sleep."

"Joel?" He questioned and winced as he felt her clean the final wound. He had briefly spoken to his brother when he had gotten in, but that was to tell him that everything was going to get better and to take Sophia back so he could take her to his wife.

Penelope smirked; Derek was never a man to flinch easily, "He's gone to bed. I told him to go." She looked at him as she grabbed the gauzes ready to cover up his wounds. "These then we're done."

"Thank you for coming back to me," Derek said as he watched her finish up quickly and efficiently, he could see her little smile and that was enough response for him.

He wasn't sure she had snapped out of what she was feeling, but this was better than it had been. He watched her take all the rubbish to put in the bin and then she came back with a new top to put on. Gratefully, he took that and then her hand as she went to walk away and pulled her down to the bed ready to welcome sleep.

Neither seemed to care that they weren't ready for bed. They just needed the closeness of each other.

Penelope put her hand to Derek's chest so he wouldn't feel her tears as she cried long into the night.

She needed this one last little break to heal her.

Then as day broke and no more tears left her eyes, she finally saw this as a bright new day where some things were going to change.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	45. My Creation

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Sorry for the delay! AGAIN! Just a little bridging chapter... Hope you enjoy!_

_Right I don't usually like using lyrics quite as much as I have here, but literally these are lyric perfect to fit this story... Explains a little more at the end about it... =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

_The most amazing feeling I feel,_

_Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real_

_Baby, I paint the sky blue,_

_My greatest creation was you_

_You, you, glory_

It might not have been a perfect path, but Derek couldn't fault that he would do anything to have this life all over again. He might have had to have faced demons and crossed paths with old enemies and watched as bit by bit his life crumbled down around him from time to time, but right here, right now, he knew that it was all worth it.

The day his daughter was born showed him proof that in the middle of any nightmare; creation formed the unlikely ally and helped take away the sting of the past. He had thought he was over what Kevin had done the first time, but it wasn't until he held his daughter that first time that he realised the pain of losing their first child was so painstakingly real. Yet one moment with Sophia and he realised that they weren't destined for bad luck and hurt forever. They got a second chance and it was even better than he had ever anticipated it be.

Even now, as he held her, she healed the invisible wounds Kevin had left in his wake.

He had never expected her to be able to make him love Penelope more than he already did. It was never an expectation he held when it came to meeting his little girl.

He had so many expectations for Sophia, so many hopes and dreams for her in this world. He could just imagine what she was going to grow up like and he sorely hoped what he imagined would really happen. He wanted to see her grow up and look more and more unmistakably like her mother that he would have to start doing a double take just to realise that it was his daughter and not his wife.

For now, he just had to wait for that day.

With Sophia staring up at him with her bright hazel eyes he knew he could wait.

_False alarms and false starts  
>All made better by the sound of your heart<br>All the pain of the last time  
>I prayed so hard it was the last time<br>Your mama said you danced for her  
>Did you wiggle your hands for her?<br>Glory, Glory, Glory_

Derek watched as she giggled at him as he played around with her in his arms and he remembered when, what felt like another life ago, Sophia would dance away in her mother's stomach completely unaware of the people on the outside more than a little eager to meet her. He remembered countless nights that he and Penelope had lain awake during the night just watching the hype of activity in Penelope's stomach as it continued unrelenting way into the morning light.

It was like watching his own little miracle before he could see her. Now she was his to watch all day if he so chose to.

Derek had found faith the day he let Penelope in and as a result his faith in God transpired and came back to him. He prayed when Penelope was shot, prayed when she had slept with Kevin and he had prayed all the time he had sat in the waiting room the day she had lost the first baby. He had then prayed every waking moment asking God to allow him to have Penelope back.

His prayers were answered when life was hit back onto its track after the attempted suicide. It wasn't the way he had wanted it, but then again God worked in mysterious ways.

Remembering when Penelope had first suspected he was pregnant, he had sent silent prayer after silent prayer to God hoping in vain that this was their chance and the moment he heard her heartbeat for the first time he knew this was his little survivor, this was going to be the one thing that wasn't going to leave his or Penelope's life.

Now here she was – his own daughter.

His pride, his joy, his ultimate creation.

_Sorry, Everything that I prayed for_

_God's gift I wish I woulda prayed more_

_God makes no mistakes, I made a few_

_Rough sled in here and there but I made it through_

_I wreak havoc on the world_

_Get ready for part two_

_A younger, smarter, faster me_

He still couldn't believe that he had been graced with a wife like Penelope and daughter like Sophia. After so much heartbreak he still couldn't quite take in the reality of this life and he hoped it was like this for the rest of his days. He appreciated what he had because he knew it could be gone tomorrow and he never wanted to have to deal with that.

He wanted this for life.

He knew that once he was healed physically, and Penelope was back to her old self their life would resume its perfected course and soon he would wait for the day that Penelope would tell him that she was expecting again and they could expand the Morgan-Garcia double act.

It wasn't a case of maybe; it was a more a case of it will. It was the one thing that kept him going after Kevin's reign on their lives.

Even after the initial trials and tribulations he still had the woman of his dreams and the life that he had always thought wasn't for him.

Derek had what Kevin would never have and he would stick by that.

He didn't need power or material worth or millions of dollars sitting in a bank account.

What he had in life was what he needed and nothing could change that.

_Last time the miscarriage was so tragic,_

_We was afraid you disappeared but nah baby, you magic_

_So there you have it, shit happens_

_Everybody goes through stuff_

_Life is a gift, love_

_Open it up_

_You're a child of destiny_

_You're the child of my destiny_

If there was one bit of philosophy that Derek held true to his heart it was Penelope's old age saying of _'everything happens for a reason'_. At first, when she was shot, he hadn't believed in it so fervently like she had, but now, after how their life had turned out, he couldn't help but be one of its firmest believers.

With his thoughts consumed, Derek thought to his wife. How much she had been given and had taken from her life and how now she seemed to slowly be getting the energy and power to smile again. He knew it wouldn't be instant, but seeing her smile was enough for him at that moment. It told him she was finding herself again after recent events.

He had already seen it happen, but he vowed to see Penelope be Penelope again. Not just for him, but for Sophia as well. She had the best mother possible and because of a ghost of their past she was missing out on it.

For that he would fight every day to bring back the happiness that Penelope was so full of before Kevin's reappearance.

Derek Morgan knew full well his most prized and powerful weapon was his little girl and he would use her to the extreme.

As Derek looked to his daughter one last time, he couldn't help but allow the final ounce of contentment filter his system. With the sweet sleepy smile Sophia gave him, he put her down into the crib and then he turned and headed to find his wife only after he was sure his daughter's little eyes were finally closed.

After everything they really were winners.

Exactly how he'd continue to keep it.

_The most amazing feeling I feel,_

_Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real_

_Baby, I paint the sky blue,_

_My greatest creation was you_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

**SONG: **_**Jay Z – Glory**_

_**So okay, this has LITERALLY just come out, but the lyrics were actually perfect for this story. Beyonce had a miscarriage (did you know that?) and now she has a little girl... So yoink! If you haven't heard it, I really recommend you go find it – actually amazingly written and straight from the heart in true Jay Z form! **_


	46. Don't Want To Miss A Thing

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_HOLY MOLEY! It's been a week! My bad!__However, I have plotted this out a bit more, so fingers crossed the muse plays nice and lets me write! Hope you like =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I can't believe how she literally just snapped out of it," Joel commented as he watched Penelope sitting with Sophia lay asleep on her chest. He had watched her over the last week as she slowly got back to being herself and he couldn't believe just how miraculous it really was.

Derek came to the side to look at what he was staring at and smiled, "She just needed the truth delivered to her."

"She just needed to realise that her family were coming back to her," Joel said slapping his hand on Derek's shoulder

"And they always will," Derek said as he turned his back to the kitchen

"We so need to do some food shopping," Joel commented as he opened the cupboards. "Between you coming home and dealing with Pen and everything we've neglected the cupboards."

Derek chuckled as he spoke, "I need some fresh air so I don't mind going."

"I'll drive," Joel told him and looked at Derek seriously. "I let you drive before you're okayed to and I think Pen would kill me. So I'll drive and we'll come back and cook." He looked in at the couch and pointed, "They're not waking up anytime soon and if they do they'll know we've gone for food. Pen was the one going on about the empty fridge only this morning."

Derek looked into the living room and just watched the stillness and calm. "I think that'd be a good surprise."

"We should arrange a party soon," Joel commented, "Might be nice for Pen to have everyone around together."

"And you want to get near Emily," Derek pointed out with a smirk and laughed as he watched Joel's expression as he tried to hide the truth. "I'm a profiler, Man. I know what I see when I see it."

"From what I heard that wasn't the case with seeing Pen love you for years," Joel fought back with a sanctimonious smirk on his face.

"Touche," Derek muttered disapproving that he got caught out. "I thought we had shopping."

"Let's go, profiler," Joel said immediately, eager to move this conversation onwards and headed for the door picking up the car keys as he went.

Before leaving Derek made sure he kissed his wife and daughter.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

Having woken up, Penelope had noticed how quiet the house was and realised quickly that Derek and her brother were not in the house. She then remembered that they needed to do a food run for the week especially for things for Sophia.

"Shh," Penelope said as she felt Sophia break into a cry. "Shh, Baby, mommy's right here." Penelope watched her daughter wake up distressed and slowly eased herself off of the couch, supporting her Sophia's tiny frame in her arms as she went with it. She bounced the little girl as she tried to ease her daughter, but soon realised she needed changing. "Let's get you a clean diaper, Sugar."

Deliberately checking the drive before going fully upstairs, Penelope noted that the family SUV was gone and then headed up to the nursery to change Sophia before trying to decide what to do to keep her daughter occupied. Going back down the stairs she sang at her daughter and as she heard her daughter giggle a little she realised that it had been a while since she had just enjoyed time with her daughter without second guessing herself.

"Right, Little Miss, we need to pass the time until Daddy and Uncle J come home," She said and then decided to pull out the play mat to lay her daughter upon it.

Slipping down onto the floor, Penelope watched contently as her daughter played away and then watched her roll onto her stomach and then haphazardly crawl her way around to face her mom. Penelope watched Sophia as she crawled towards her and a shot of pride travelled through her body.

Something in her changed then. She didn't feel like she had an immense pressure weighing on her.

Penelope felt a pang of panic flood her entire being. What if, life before, something set her back? She had been on a high and Kevin's presence touching her daughter, hurting her husband made her hit rock bottom. What if this was now a continual vicious cycle? What if she was just working up for a bigger fall each time? What if it got worse? What if -

Then as if with knowing, Sophia slapped her two little chubby hands down onto Penelope's lap making her snap out of her reverie and crash back to earth. She looked down and saw her daughter staring up at her. Her bright brown eyes - that whipped together the colour of Derek's and the colour of her eyes perfectly - looking up at her. Her rosy lips mouthing the beginning of her babble as she tried her hardest to get a hold of Penelope's attention.

Then Sophia put her hands up in the air and grabbed at nothing, gesturing for a hug. Then it hit Penelope heavily, it didn't matter what happened between now and the end of time her daughter would always need and want her.

Penelope felt a shock wave run through her body and it scared her that one day she might have lost too much track of her life and as a result missed out on all these precious mini moments that her daughter did during her exploration of life.

She never wanted to look back and regret ever missing a thing. She didn't just mean that with Sophia, but with Derek too. She didn't want a day to pass where she had to memorise Derek's kisses because her moods made him stop. She didn't want to have mentally hear him say he loved her, or call her his baby girl.

She didn't want to miss a thing full stop.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

Having watched her for long enough, Derek decided that it was time to intervene and find out what had his wife so pensive and subdued as she sat outside on the decking to their back yard. He made them

"Hey J," Derek said as he left the kitchen and headed to living room. Finding Joel playing with his daughter contently he knew it was all covered. "You okay with her for a bit while I pop out the back?"

"Sure, everything okay?" Joel replied as he tried to work out what was going on. He knew it was about his sister, but he couldn't quite put his finger on whether it would be good or bad news.

"Yeah, I just wanna go have some time with Pen for a moment," Derek told his brother-in-law honestly. "She's been outside a while, I just wanna make sure everything's okay."

"Sure, go for it. I've got it covered in here with Tinkerbell," Joel said as he put his niece up above him and wiggled her a little making her scream out in a giggle.

Derek smiled as he watched his daughter, "Thanks, Man. There's a drink out here for you and I've just put a bottle on for Little Miss so she'll probably sleep not long after."

"No problem," Joel said with a smile, "I'll go out in a moment and get her bottle. I know the routine."

Derek gave a grateful smile and then left to grab his and Penelope's drinks and went for the back door, not withholding Clooney from running out with him. Stepping out into the cool evening air, he approached her. "You okay, Baby Girl?" He asked her as he passed her over a cup of hot chocolate.

Penelope nodded as she looked up at him, "Definitely." She smiled as he took a seat on the sun lounger opposite her.

"Gonna share with me?" Derek asked as he got comfortable with his healing stomach.

Penelope wrapped her hands around her mug of cocoa even more and smiled at Derek, "I just realised a few things and it put perspective on life." She looked up to her husband. "I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel like I've been letting life pass by not really caring and I don't want to do that. It feels dangerous and idiotic and I don't want to do it anymore."

"What brought this on?" Derek asked her with a smile as he read her body language. His inner profiler was taking over and was analysing her and he could, for this one time, Penelope was grateful.

"Spending the day with my daughter I guess," Penelope said with a slight shrug. "Watching her giggle and crawl to me and be the little girl I always dreamt of. I just realised that I could miss out on so much and that scared me so much more than the idea of Kevin coming back into my life."

Derek's smile broke all reserves then.

"The idea of missing out on her first steps, or first words terrifies me and after taking that nap earlier I just woke up feeling like I wasn't suffocating under what's happened. I'm ready to embrace this life and watch our daughter grow up. I don't want to put my life on hold anymore."

Penelope knew if there was one thing she was ready for right now it was the normal life.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__


	47. Welcome To The Good Life

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_New update guys! Hope you enjoy, thanks as always =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope stood in the doorway and watched her family all together. She stood watching on as her husband fired up the barbeque with Joel. She watched as her mother-in-law and sister-in-laws played around with her daughter with the help of Emily and JJ. She looked as the men of her team stood around with the three remaining male Garcias' and she had never been more than impressed with the family she had acuminated over the years.

It had been a couple of weeks since Kevin's return and now she felt more like herself than ever and she had to thank her brother and husband for being the rocks she needed when she felt she couldn't support herself. Now, however, she had pushed them aside and watched with her own stride and faced each new day with excitement and not dread.

Looking around she saw Reid's expression as his eyes followed Emily as she went over to Joel. She smiled, she liked the idea of her brother getting a woman to love him and Emily was certainly that. She just needed them to tell her to her face what was happening instead of hiding it from them.

It was then she decided to out them – or well at least to herself.

"_So_," Penelope said as she stepped in to stand practically in the middle of her brother and Emily, "When were you going to tell me that there was romance blossoming?"

"We –uh – are- we," Emily stuttered and looked at Joel helplessly, "We, erm, we don't know what you're on about."

Penelope giggled, "Oh you know better than to lie to me, Sweetie. I'm the oracle after all and even I can't ignore the shopping trips, the babysitting, the closeness. I'm in love too remember?"

"Are you okay with it?" Emily asked warily and immediately. Fear began rising like bile in her throat that Penelope wouldn't approve.

Joel didn't like that comment, "She doesn't have to be okay with it. I love you, Emily and that's all that's needed."

"She's your sister though, and one of my best friends. It's just considerate," Emily snapped back considerately.

"Whoa, before the lovers tiff escalates let me just say that I don't care who you date, but it's just about time you opened up and did the PDA thing and take the dates outside of this house," Penelope told them teasingly. She laughed as they looked at her bemused and she giggled, "Seriously, it's good to finally see you both giving love a go." She watched them both relax, "Now I'm going to go and check on some certain other people, my hubby included."

"Pen?" Emily asked as Penelope went to leave. As she turned back she gave a hard smile, trying to hide that she might have an idea what was wrong with Reid but asked anyway, "Know what's up with Spence?" Emily pointed out as she tried to make sense of Reid's mood.

Shaking her head, Penelope looked over at him. "I'm going to check," Penelope said with a smile.

Leaving the pair, Penelope went to Reid; she was worried about how withdrawn he was today. How unlike himself he was acting. "Can I borrow you a minute, Kiddo?" Penelope asked as she came to stand by Reid's side. She watched him look up at her and she motioned her head to the house. "I want a word."

"Oh?" He asked her back, "What's this about?"

Penelope just gave him a look and a small smile, "Let's discuss this inside, shall we?" She asked and he relented and stood up, leaving his perch he followed her in. He was actually grateful that he didn't have to watch Emily and Joel any longer.

Getting inside, Penelope pushed the door too and then took a seat at the table in the kitchen. She looked at her little genius and tried to work out what was playing on his mind. In the last few weeks she had missed his presence around and now she realised she needed to step in as a friend and make up for almost going AWOL on them all.

"So," She started calmly, "Gonna tell me why you look ready to kill my brother every time he's in the same room as you?" She asked and watched Reid look up about to argue that point. "I know that look you get, Spence, and I can empathise with it, but it's no fun to keep it so it manifests."

"Am I that readable?" He murmured weakly as he looked down at his hands ashamed.

Penelope put her hand onto his, "To someone that's been where you are. Plus my husband's a profile too, I picked up a thing or two." She confided in him and shook his hands to get his attention. "I know you've like Emily and ever since she came back to us after Doyle, I've seen how your relationship got stronger, but you need to understand that as much as it hurts for a relationship to ever work you need both parties feeling it."

"I'm going to be forever single," Reid doubted miserably.

"No you're not, Sweetie." Penelope told him confidently, "Look at me and Derek. We thought the same and now we have each other and a gorgeous little girl."

"Yes, that might be true, but you two had each other all along. I'm still waiting on any other woman apart from you, JJ, Emily or Strauss to walk into my life." Reid hated that in his head he sounded like he was whining to Penelope about this, but admittedly he did feel better than he had in a long time now he had had the chance to get this weight off of his shoulders.

"She'll come along when you least expect it, Kiddo," Penelope told him warmly, pretty convinced of it. "Trust me on this okay?"

"I suppose," Reid said as Penelope stood and he wanted to wallow a little.

"You're one might just be under your nose," Penelope told him knowingly and put her hand out. "Let's go back out to the party."

Reid couldn't argue, he couldn't hide away all day.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You know how you're feeling like your hearts got someone's grip on it?" Derek said as he sat down beside Reid, a beer in his hands another in his other that he spaced to the young genius. He looked up and Reid nodded as he took a gulp, "I know someone else who's like that."

"You were," Reid cut in, assuming that he was getting a lost love story from Derek like Penelope had given him.

Derek chuckled, "I was yeah, but I'm not talking about me." He admitted and Reid looked at Derek puzzled and tried to make some idea of who Derek was talking about. "My baby sister has been in love with the same dude since the day she met him, but the goof went after another girl and she went back to Chicago. Every time she came here she tried to get him to notice her, but whenever this other girl was around she was ignored."

"Why didn't she tell him?" Reid asked as he watched Desiree as her and Penelope played with Sophia. "I mean you're sister is beautiful, any guy would be lucky to have her."

"She knew he wasn't interested so she never bothered. She's still cut up over him and I know as much as she tells me she's moved on I know she hasn't even gotten close. I know that look, I lived it for years."

"I think she should just tell him. Her self esteem will sky rocket and she'll find that she'll be drawn to other men if it doesn't turn out right," Reid began to ramble on.

"Why don't you go and break the ice and ask her on a date," Derek broke the news to his friend.

"Me?" Reid squeaked, his eyes bulged in shock as he looked at Derek.

Derek bumped his shoulder to get him to move, "You're a good guy, Spencer, but sometimes you don't realise a good thing when it's standing right in front of me."

Reid didn't move, he was frozen with shock. A woman like Desiree Morgan had loved him for years and he hadn't even given her a chance. "I'm sorry, Morgan." He apologised feebly as he took note of all the times that Desiree had started conversation, but the moment that Emily was in the room he backed off. He looked over at Desiree and caught her looking at him, quickly she looked away and at her niece and he realised just how attracted he was. He had been running after the wrong girl all along.

"Just go over there, ask to talk and just talk. I can tell you're into her, Reid. You wouldn't look at her if you weren't. Just try and start again," Derek said honestly and supportively, "Plus Emily is way too feisty to be in a relationship with anyone other than Joel. They click and me and Pen think you and Des are more than a little suited." Derek watched Reid look at him a little nervous, "Just go and talk to her. She doesn't bite, honestly. She out grew that when she was three." He joked and again the same nervous look greeted him. "Just go and talk. I know you're capable of that, Reid. Go charm her, be honest and go with it."

"Is it really that simple as that?" Reid asked in absolute disbelief.

"It's as simple as that," Derek countered and then pushed Reid so he had to stand. "She's right there, go talk to her. You two have a lot in common." Derek was satisfied when Reid didn't turn to babble at him, but allowed his feet to move him onwards.

"Desiree?" Reid cut into the fun the girls were having. When she looked up, he smiled and he coughed to clear his throat, "Can we talk?"

"C'mon Princess," Penelope said as she stood up and took her daughter in her arms. "Uncle Spencer and Auntie Desi need some alone time by the looks of things." She gave both Desiree and Reid a confident smile, "Say bye, Baby." She made her daughter wave and then took off towards where her husband watched on contently.

As she got closer, she could tell Derek was deep in thought and so she put her killer smile back on, spoke to her daughter until she reached him. "We should start a dating company if our results are this successful," Penelope commented as she sat next to her husband, her daughter on her lap. "Good going, Mr Morgan," She praised him with a grin and kissed him.

"All in a day's work, Mrs Morgan," He commented back and put his arm around her and pulled her body close to his. "Everyone needs this life."

"This life?" Penelope asked him a little baffled. There was a hell of a lot of stuff she was pleased with, but she would never wish anyone the bad stuff that came with her happy life.

"The good life," Derek finalised and gave her a wink before reaching for his daughter.

Looking out at her family as they all sat around enjoying the day, she couldn't deny that this really was the good life now.

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	48. Seeing It All

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N: **_Another update done, another update posted! Thanks for reading, guys. I really hope you continue to enjoy reading this!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Morgan!" Rossi said as he ran into his office, "I'm not a child expert, but I think Sophia's trying to say something."

Derek shot up then in shock, "You're joking right?"

Rossi shook his head, "I was just sitting there with her on my desk whilst JJ went to the loo and she started to babble and then looked at me and looked ready to speak."

"Did she say anything?"

"No," Rossi told him immediately, "I picked her up and hurried to get here just in case." Rossi continued and watched the young agent. It might have been years since he had gotten to know Derek, but right now, with this moment about to happen, he had never seen him more grown up. "You better get her down to her mamma."

"Thanks, Dave," Derek said as he took his daughter off of the aging agent and quickly left the office to take the short distance to his wife's office. Reaching it, he didn't knock, he barged in. "Baby Girl!" Derek said bursting into Penelope's office.

"Jeez, Morgs, give your wife a heart attack why don't ya!" Penelope said as she span around on her computer chair, her hand on her heart. She melted though the moment she saw her daughter in her husband's arms. "Now what do I owe the honour of my two favourite people in the world exactly?"

"She's apparently speaking," Derek said and failed at keeping his excitement down. "Or well was going to, but Rossi ran to my office and she stopped, but she might finally start, P!"

Penelope felt herself gush at seeing her husband so excited over their daughter's milestone and she felt a wave of appreciation that he was stuck on desk duty just long enough to witness this one of her many first's.

She stood and went over and immediately her daughter responded. Putting her hands out, Penelope reacted and took her daughter, "What are you trying to say, Princess? Is it Mama, or dada?" She asked Sophia who now appeared to be oblivious. "Gonna speak for mommy?"

When no response came, Derek chuckled, "Stubborn just like her mom."

"Hey!" Penelope chided sweetly at him, "Grab the play mat, we might as well take a break."

"Take a break so near home time?" Derek quipped as he obeyed.

Derek grabbed the play mat they kept in the corner of Penelope's office and he laid it out. As he went for the small box of toys he watched Penelope sit their daughter down on it before slipping onto floor by the small couch they kept. Setting the toys down, Derek joined her, trying to get his daughter to engage in some of the toys before settling comfortably by his wife's side.

"So what?" Penelope asked as she looked at her husband, "Are we going to just sit here until she says a thing?"

Derek looked at his wife, "If we have to. There's no chance I'm missing it now."

Relaxing down, Penelope knew work was slow for the pair of them and she wasn't in a rush, "I'm good at waiting." She said as she rested her head down onto Derek's shoulder.

"How you doing, Baby Girl?" Derek asked Penelope moments later as the easy silence settled in between them. They had been back just over a week at work and Penelope hadn't made an issue of it, but he hadn't exactly asked how she was coping with being back since the Kevin fiasco.

"I made it past a day at work before I got signed off again," Penelope quipped with a small smile and looked up at him. She shrugged, "I'm doing just dandy, Hot Stuff. I missed it, but I'm not exactly excited for you to go back on cases again." She then looked back at Sophia as she continued to play away. "I just worry you'll miss out on moments like this."

"Well you know us," Derek began, "We improvise as and when and at this point in life we're going to have to do just that to make sure neither of us miss a moment." Derek told her confidently. He knew that with his and Penelope's career they ran the risk of missing milestone moments, but he knew that they could make it work. They always did and he knew this wouldn't be any different from that.

"I was thinking we could webcam it just in case. I mean," She paused and shrugged, "If you are away. I just really don't want you to miss a thing with her."

Derek pulled her close and kissed her temple, "See, this is why you're the best wife ever. Not many wives would cooperate like you do. I mean look at Hotch..."

Penelope smiled sadly at that memory, "I've lived, ate and slept this job for seven years, Sugar Shack, I think I can understand more than any other woman you could have married." Penelope countered with assurance as she thought over the matter. She knew what she was marrying into and she knew she couldn't be a hypocrite and get angry about it seeing as it was practically her lifestyle too. Even if she wasn't always out on the field there were many a night's when she had to stick around in her office and even more lonelier days where she had to sit in her office and work the day away.

Now, however, they had Sophia that made making the world safer just that bit more understandable.

"Maybe it was gas," Derek commented moments later as Sophia looked up at them, her big bright eyes watching them happily. She hadn't said a word apart from her usual baby babble. "Hey, Baby, did Uncle Dave get us excited for nothing?" He said as she giggled and grabbed her toy.

Dropping it she looked at them, flapping her arms around she bounced a little, making her parents believe she was just being energetic.

Then it happened.

"_Maaama_! Ma! Ma! Mama!" Sophia said as she grabbed a block. She missed the moment of shock that her parents were filled with as they listened to her speak out.

"I do believe that you are cooking dinner for an entire fortnight," Penelope said as she reminded him of the bet they had made. They had said that whoever Sophia said first would be off cooking duty and seeing as Sophia had chosen her mom, Penelope was off cooking for two blissful weeks.

"I can't believe I lost the bet!" Derek whined as he listened to Sophia carry on. It was as though now she had said it, she couldn't stop herself. He then made the executive decision that they were going to head home now they had wasted near enough an hour. "Let's get home, Mama."

"Sounds like a good plan," Penelope told him grateful for his decision as she yawned and the tiredness she had been ignoring all day hit her hard. She took Derek's hand as he put it out for help and looked down at Sophia.

"Mama!" Sophia babbled happily as she looked up at her parents and clapped her hands in childlike ease. "Mama! Mama!"

"She's doing that on purpose now," Derek said as he picked her up and carried his daughter on his hip out of the office and walked down to his office to grab his things.

"She's six months old, Handsome, she doesn't do things on purpose," Penelope teased him back, still feeling overwhelmed that her daughter's first word had been mama.

Derek chuckled, "Well she's her mother's daughter so anything's possible."

"I think you better get used to this then," Penelope teased him as they headed home.

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	49. Fairytale Be Mine

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:** _Okay, so that was longer than I expected between updates! My muse died =/ However, here's an update now!_

_This wasn't the plan, but this chapter is basically the _last _chapter before the epilogue... It wasn't going to be, but it just felt right and I am in no frame of mind to push my muse! LOL _

_So enjoy..._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Aww," JJ whispered in adoration, "That is so sweet!" She said as they stood in the doorway watching Penelope sleep away with Sophia sound asleep on her chest. "I remember naps like those," She gushed as she thought back to when Henry was seven months old.

"JJ, you might want to leave before you wake her up," Reid said immediately after her show of affection to the sight before them made Penelope shift and bring a hand to her face.

"Erm, right," JJ replied confused and exchanged looks with Derek. "Tell her we need a play day."

"I will do," Derek replied with smile, "Now get home and spend a couple of days with your son and Will." He gave her a comforting smile and watched her turn her back to them. "Why did you do that? She did nothing wrong." Derek asked Reid as he watched JJ leave and walk past the window in a huff.

"It's been found in multiple studies that evolution means that women are more prone to waking to higher pitched tones so that they can wake up to a baby crying," Reid replied innocently. "See how Penelope hasn't even moved since we've been in here, but did when JJ was here."

"Well we have nothing to worry about since JJ left after you shoved her out, Genius," Derek whispered at Reid as he went over to his desk. "Right I'm gonna get this file done and head home. I think you need to head home and get ready for Desi getting here tonight. Now that we're home you can get her instead of Pen doing it."

He watched the youngster's face light up and then shook his head as he disappeared. Derek couldn't help but smile as he recognised the leap in Reid's steps as one that he had had when he and Penelope had started their love story.

Derek sat down and put the lamp on before pulling his chair out and sat down. He was going to get this report done before he even attempted to wake the pair in front of him up. He wanted to know when he left work for the next four days; he left work behind with no lingering paperwork waiting for him Monday morning.

When Penelope opened her eyes and looked to her left and smiled as she watched Derek walk away silently with only the desk lamp to shroud him in artificial light. "Now that is the best sight I could have had right about now," Penelope mused, her tone still sleepy yet alert enough to be playful.

"Ah now you wake up," Derek replied and shot her a smirk full of tease. "I thought this picture looked a little wrong. You sleep while I did all the work."

"Coulda woken me up, Hot Stuff," Penelope replied to him sweetly. "You know I have never, ever complained about being woken up to absolutely Godness, but believe me, Mamma's fingers needed some _light_ exercise after all that typing the last couple of days."

"I think I can find some time to massage them back to maximum strength," He replied as he signed off the report and stood up prepared to get his wife and daughter home. "How are my two favourite girls?" Derek asked as he helped collect their things together.

Penelope yawned as Sophia remained snuggled into her chest. She looked down, not moving in fear of waking the sleeping child and Penelope sighed in relief. "We're better now."

"Why?" Derek asked as he stopped what he was doing, "What's happened?"

"Teething," Was all Penelope commented and she knew she didn't need to have to tell him anymore. "You'd think she'd outgrow this," Penelope said as she supported her daughter's weight and sat up. She couldn't believe that her daughter was seven months and still loved the same cuddles that had been her comfort since birth. Penelope knew they wouldn't last much longer, but for now she lavished the small naps like this.

"I don't think she'll ever grow out of your cuddles, P." Derek commented with a smirk, "Want to get off home? We'll put Soph to bed and then catch a movie and get some food in."

"Now that sounds like the most blissful thing my ears have been graced with seeing as all I've had is a baby crying and killer talk," Penelope replied with a smirk.

Derek stood up and turned his desk light off, "I say we get home as soon as then."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

Penelope knew it was just too good to be true as she lay with Derek on the couch with a movie on. It hadn't even reached midpoint and Sophia was back awake and crying out at the top of her lungs.

"I'll get her," Derek told Penelope, dropping a kiss to her temple before rushing up to comfort Sophia.

As she watched him go, Penelope got up and grabbed an ice lolly from the freezer. She knew full well her daughter would soothe at the icy feel and taste of the ice pole. She went and sat back down and waited for her husband and daughter to come down. For now she sat and listened to the cries and tried to reframe from rushing in and taking over completely. That was the one thing she hated about Derek's job. She became much too independent without him there twenty four seven.

However she knew she had to realise that he was home and wasn't going anywhere for a couple of d days at least. If the crying didn't relent soon she would go and find them and offer her assistance.

Derek was going to try and rock Sophia back to sleep, but when she continued to cry out in distress and her face reddened her knew this approach wasn't going to work too well. He tried cradling her differently and it seemed to work for a moment or two, but when no sleep prevailed, he grabbed her blanket and her teddy giraffe before carrying her down to her mom.

"Someone wants her mommy," Derek said as he entered the room.

Penelope unwrapped the thawing out ice lolly and held it out to him, "Give her this and she'll settle."

Derek looked at Penelope and listened. He took the ice pole and manoeuvred Sophia in his arms and began to tempt her with it. When she didn't take it, he looked at Penelope for help and she just held her arms out and he wordlessly handed his daughter over before falling down to his wife and watched his daughter settle completely in her mother's embrace.

"Mother's touch works wonders," Penelope teased as her daughter quietened and soothed in her arms.

"We all need a mamma's touch," Derek retorted at her with a slick sexual tone.

Penelope pushed him away as she giggled, "Put Snow White on, Hubster, that always calms her enough to sleep when we have sleepless nights without papa Morgan around."

"I need to get in on these little secrets you two are making," Derek said as he obliged and slowly got up t

"Lesson one, always have a Snow White DVD handy," She joked and smiled cheekily at him as he looked at her. "I'll make sure you're up today soon, Stud Muffin of mine." She winked at him and then tended to Sophia as Derek finished putting the DVD on.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

Halfway through the movie when all was calm, Derek yawned and zoned out from the film for a moment. He thought to his domesticated bliss he had and how it might have hit a rough patch, but this was how he wanted his life. He wanted to be the family man who looked forward to going home and he wanted to live forever knowing that he had a woman that would give her all for him. When he snapped back her watched the movie for a moment before giving up.

"Do you still feel you like you're in your own fairytale, Baby Girl?" Derek asked as he looked away from the film to his wife as she lay with their daughter asleep in her arms.

Penelope smiled brightly as she looked down at her sleeping daughter and moved one of the light curls to the side of her head, "Every single day." She then glanced at Derek and felt her smile sweeten as she looked at him more. "I've got my knight in shining armour, my own castle, my perfect little princess and we've even killed a dragon or two." She looked down to her daughter, "I'd say we're perfectly set for the happily ever after."

"I think we were set for that a lifetime ago," Derek told her simply and leaned in towards her. "What do you say we get sleeping beauty to bed and go there ourselves?"

"I think that would be the perfect ending right now, Handsome."

Derek stood up and reached down to take his daughter from Penelope's arms, "Let's go to bed then, Mrs Morgan."

Penelope didn't even bother to argue with her husband as she wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and dream about her own fairytale all over again.

This time she'd even welcome the bad just because she knew how the story ended.

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	50. To Love and Lose

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

**A/N:**_Chapter fifty and the last chapter of this guys! It's been an amazing journey and it's kind of sad to see it end, but all good things have to come an end right? Thank you for all of the reviews, favourites, alerts and support on this... Now enjoy the last chapter..._

Loosely inspired on Eminem's When I'm Gone song...

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope felt her heart clench fiercely as she watched her daughter. She wanted to go and stop her, calm her, console her, but she knew that her daughter needed this release because preventing it and bottling it up weren't going to solve matters.

She watched as Sophia grabbed anything and everything and piled it in front of the door and she had to look through to the playroom to see if her other three children were okay with their father's departure. She saw the twins, Olivia and Jayden, holding on tight as they hugged their dad goodbye and then watched as he released them and went to their five year old son, Jonathan. She smiled as she realised they were handling this better than their eldest sibling.

Coming back, Derek looked to the door and felt confused, "She's still doing it?"

"Just because you left her to it doesn't mean she hit burnout just yet," Penelope told him back honestly.

Feeling lost, Derek looked to his wife for help, "What do I do? I can't not go, Hotch is relying on me."

"I don't know, Derek. I wish I did, I just don't," Penelope told him, knowing this was her husband's battle to fight. It wasn't hers, or theirs together, it was solely her husband's. Seeing he was still stuck and feeling helpless for upsetting his baby girl, she offered him guidance. "Just do what you normally do," Penelope guided him with a reassuring expression. She needed him to know that she was here to support him, but his daughter upset with him, not her.

He had tried and failed once and hoped that he would be able to fix this little bump in his relationship with his daughter before he left for the case. However, now he wanted to leave the house with a hug and fight the bad and get home as soon as.

"Baby, stop that," Derek said as he went to grab his daughter, but she spun around and looked at him.

Her features were ignited with such anger that he could swear that Penelope was looking at him. That look was all too reminiscent of her mothers and for that he knew to fear the wrath of his daughter.

"You don't love us anymore!" Sophia screamed and then barged passed her father and ran upstairs crying harshly as she went.

Going to rush after, Penelope stopped Derek, "Let her cool down. Go, I will sort this, Handsome. She's just not dealing with you always away and I can understand that, but if you run after her right now, you'll only make this worse for her."

"I hate any of my girls crying," Derek said as he eyed the stairs, "I'm letting her down."

"No," Penelope stopped him. "You've never let us down, ever." Penelope told him sternly and honestly, "But she's seven, D. Seven years old and misses her dad when he's in and out of the house on case after case. Christ, I still miss you, would do anything to keep you around, but that's your job and I know that, but Soph's only seven, she doesn't understand the big bad world. She will come around and by the time you call tonight she will be after a goodnight story."

"I can't be doing this anymore, Pen," Derek confessed and looked to his wife with the saddest eyes ever. "I need to quit before I lose it all."

Penelope felt her heart race; she didn't want to get excited that Derek would be a stay at home dad and she didn't want him to give up his dream job. "Don't just quit," She began to tell him, "Cut down your hours. We'll cope, but don't give it up what you love."

"I don't want to lose this life though, P. I'm scared that one day I'll come home and you'll be gone," Derek fretted, his tone showing his fear.

"You won't be losing us," Penelope fought back, "I can tell you that now. I will be here forever, Derek. I love you too much to leave you behind."

"Is that what Haley told Hotch?" Derek asked Penelope, his tone completely defeat and scared.

"Oh, Derek," Penelope managed as her eyes welled up, "I promise you now, me and the kids will be here every time you come home. We have been for seven years and will be for the next, I don't know, _seventy_ years. That's a promise," Penelope told him with a smile. "I understand your job like Haley never could. I've lived it, and I know that whatever happens, you are always here for your family."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Derek asked as he linked his arms around her waist and pulled her tight to his body.

"Counted your lucky stars, that's what," Penelope quipped back lovingly. "Now go or you'll be late and Hotch will get annoyed."

"You are amazing, Mrs. Morgan," Derek praised Penelope as he finally felt rested a little more. He was full of minor doubts and major decisions at that moment, but he knew that with his wife by his side he was going to do just fine.

"I know," Penelope told him with a self assured smile. "I love you, Derek. Catch the baddie and I'll make sure your side of the bed's warm kept warm for you."

"Leave a light on?" Derek told her hopeful as he moved the objects from the door way.

Penelope's face illuminated with a smirk, it had been years, nearly a decade even, since she had heard that. "As always, Hot Stuff," She vowed and put her head to the side, "I'll be around to give you phone whenever the team have something good for me to work with."

"I look forward to it," Derek said as he approached her again. "I'll speak to you when we land, Baby. I love you so much, Baby Girl."

"I know," She smirked as he kissed her goodbye. "Stay safe, my love," Penelope gave him a final farewell as he finally left the house.

Watching the door close, Penelope worried about her husband's frame of mind as he left the state. She also worried about her children and how they were going to deal with their father being away again. She knew he wanted to down size his hours much like JJ and Emily had done years ago, but it was getting around to it that was the issue. Now, standing, staring at the closed front door, she knew that her husband was going to be home a lot more after this case.

With that thought in place, she turned and headed upstairs and went straight for Sophia's bedroom. "Baby," Penelope soothed as she approached her daughter as she lay face down on the bed. "Daddy will be back before you know it."

"Daddy doesn't love us anymore," Sophia cried harder into her pillow. "If he did he wouldn't go away all the time."

"Sophia look at me," Penelope said sternly. She needed to calm her daughter, but the soft approach wasn't working and so she had to be a little more abrupt. "I said look at me, Sophia." Watching her daughter finally roll over, she smiled, "I need you to know that your dad loves you beyond any case that pulls him away, Sweetheart. But you need to understand that your daddy is a superhero and needs to go here, there and everywhere, but every step of the way it is you and you brothers and sister that are on his mind. He fights to make this world safer for you four because he loves you so much."

"I wish he was home though, Mommy," Sophia sniffed as her bottom lip began to wobble with new tears.

Penelope smiled sympathetically, "I know, Sweetie, and he wishes he was here because he hates it when you cry."

Penelope could empathise thoroughly with her daughter. The sense of neglect had been one she had had to deal with in the beginning of their relationships, but once she had opened up to Derek he had tried harder, had been home more and now with found children he had had a shock that would make him rethink changing his work schedule all together.

"He'll come through for us, Baby," Penelope soothed Sophia, "I know he will," She promised, "You just need a little more faith okay?" She asked and Sophia nodded her acceptance. Penelope put her arms out and took her daughter in a fierce embracing hug, kissing the top of her head to calm her entirely.

Relying on faith, Penelope just prayed that wasn't going to turn into an empty promise.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope couldn't deny the unmistakeable scent of her husband as he fell down onto the bed. It had been a smell that lingered on the pillow cases, on the oversized shirts of his she wore to bed. It lingered in the house, on the curtains, on the rugs, in the carpets – everywhere.

However, nothing beat the moment he came home after a case and the full throttle scent of him took over her senses and threw her into ecstasy. It was that, without words needed, that told her that her husband was finally home.

Seven years down the line and this was still the best welcome home she could get.

After hearing his final decision was made, Penelope had waited on her husband coming home so they could tell their children that their father was going to be working hours much like their mother. Sure he would do a normal nine to five job a few days a week, but he wouldn't be gone every week on a new case. For that, Penelope was excited to see her family become closer.

Now he was home they could exact that plan.

"Baby," He whispered to her gently. He didn't want to be too loud after seeing his four year old daughter curled into Penelope's side, but he wanted his wife to know she was home.

"Hey," Penelope mumbled sleepily as she opened her eyes enough to work out Derek.

"I see you replaced me," Derek pointed out jokingly. "Get that lonely?"

"Had to get someone to fill the bed. Livi was scared, but all four of them just about make up for daddy's absence."

"Is that so?" Derek quipped with a smirk and watched his wife nod slowly whilst offering him a sleepy smile. "Right, Baby, I'm going to take Liv back to her own bed and then I'll be back for you, Sweetness," Derek told Penelope and then walked to the other side to pick his daughter up. "C'mon, Princess," He spoke softly, "It's time for bed." He continued as he scooped her up, making sure she was safely placed in his arms, her head against this chest as she slept away through it all.

"Handsome," Penelope stopped him and pushed herself up to look at him as he went for the door to check on the kids and put Olivia back in her own bed. "What would you say to numbering up the kids to five?" She said as she put her hand up showing her spread fingers for emphasis.

"You're kidding me right?" Derek asked in the dim light of the room as he watched his wife. He never let go of Olivia as she slept against his hold, but Derek's body was becoming a buzz of energy at that news.

"Nope, got it confirmed this morning," Penelope told him truthfully. "We need to practise less, Hot Stuff."

Snorting Derek looked her, "As if," He told her. "We promised each other a big family and damnit, Baby Girl, we're getting there."

Feeling Olivia move in his arms he looked down as she looked up, "Daddy?" She murmured sleepily. "You're home?"

"Hey, Baby Doll," He said and dropped a kiss to her forehead. "Course I'm home, just like I promised." He told her and gave Penelope a wink, "Mamma, we aren't finished."

"Didn't think so," Penelope said and fell back down onto the bed and pulled the quilt up and over her. She listened as Derek spoke to their daughter all the way to her bedroom and she smiled at just how natural being a father really came to him.

It didn't take long for Derek to come back to her, losing his clothes and then quickly pushing her down on the mattress and crawling on top her, kissing her seductively.

"Derek," Penelope murmured between kisses, wanting him to stop for a moment. When she was looking up at him she felt a knot in her stomach grow. "You're okay with this?" Penelope asked him, "I mean with having another baby."

Derek laughed, "I'd have billion babies with you, Mamma and I'd still be as happy as I was the day Sophia was born."

"Oh," Penelope started as her hand came up to cover the side of his face as the knot disappeared, "You were an extremely happy man that day."

"And everyday just makes me happier," Derek told her and paused, "Apart from when I make my babies sad."

"Our baby's going to be okay," Penelope mumbled quietly in reference to Sophia's outburst five days earlier. "She'll forgive you" She asked as she opened her eyes to look up at him. "She just misses you. She's the most resilient of them all."

"I hate her being so sad. She's usually the happiest one and she hardly wanted to know me the last week," Derek told her sorrowfully, "I wanted to get home to make her happy again."

"She is happy and she'll show you that tomorrow when she realises you're home," Penelope told him with such certainty. "Because husband of mine, you are home at long last and with a new game plan. Which means all is right in the Morgan household."

Smiling at that truth, he spoke softly to her, "So a new baby to make the Morgan household fuller?" He asked her as he dropped her another kiss. "When did you even think about taking a test?" He asked and failed at stifling a yawn.

"What about sleeping first? We can talk all day tomorrow," Penelope asked as she lay under Derek, being smothered in his kisses. "You're exhausted, Hot Stuff and I'm going to be just as pregnant in the morning."

"You'll be a day further into it," Derek told her with a smirk. "Plus I'll sleep when I'm dead, and I'm pretty sure you'll being doing the same," Derek told her as he came to look down at her. "For now, if you won't talk to me, then we might as well have us a celebration."

Looking at the glint in his eyes, Penelope knew she was goner – just like always when her husband was involved. When his eyes looked like they did right now, she knew she could fight back all she wanted to, but at the end of the day, her husband knew how to weaken her.

"How we doing this then, Mr Morgan?" She relented and asked him.

Watching his face light up, his lips twisted into a grin, she knew she was going to find out imminently.

"Exactly like this," He started and then dropped lower, starting delicate before starting to completely ravish his wife exactly how his dreams had only let him in the last couple of days.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

As Derek lay awake that night with Penelope's head on his chest, he couldn't help but feel completely flooded with happiness. He was one of the luckiest men alive and he would do anything in his power to keep it that way. He had four adorable children, a doting, gorgeous wife that he loved more than the daylight itself and he now had a fifth child on the way. He had always dreamt of a big happy family, but he had always thought he was living someone else's dream.

Now he was revelling in it.

Penelope felt Derek run his hand over her bare back and she snuggled in more sleepily. Her thoughts darkened for a moment with memories of their past, how they were evilly ripped apart and then before the evil took over, her four children's faces flashed into her mind, along with her husband's and in flooded the light. Penelope had all the good in life that there were no times for rainy days, for long arguments, for anything negative.

This was the perfect life, the one that her dreams had conjured up and Derek had made real. Her life was a life made for God's and delivered to the richest of people, but Penelope realised that at the end of it all, she was married to a God and she had the best riches in life.

She had the house, the white picket fence, the dog, the loving husband and the five children that had finalised a happily ever after - Just as her dreams had always made her believe.

Giving into the happy sigh in her, she kissed Derek's chest and closed her eyes.

If there was one mantra to hold in life it was that sometimes you had to lose a lot to gain a lot more.

That was the story of hers and Derek's life – _To love and lose_ – _and then love again_.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__

_**The End!**_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**__


End file.
